27 December 2006
17 December 2006
A Disgusting Display
Occasionally, news from the NBA makes it into network news broadcasts. It used to be that the story was about the celebration of an NBA season finally ending (some people say it is because of the championship, but I know it is a celebration of not having to watch any more basketball games for a few months). In recent years the biggest stories from the NBA have been about the off-court antics of the league's biggest stars. It is disheartening to know that young men who have such promise are willing to risk everything on stupid mistakes.
Besides all of the off-court crap, in the past few years NBA stars have started bringing their reckless behavior onto the court and into the crowds with fist fights.
The most recent episode was last week during the New York Knicks versus Denver Nuggets game. The details of the fight aren't really important; it is sufficient to know that a hard foul at the end of the game turned into a bench-clearing brawl between the two teams. Here is a video of it:
The NBA currently has a reputation problem and when players fight it only exacerbates that problem. This morning, David Stern, the NBA's commissioner, announced fines and suspensions for players that were involved in the latest fight. In a press release Mr. Stern said, "The NBA and its players represent a game of extraordinary skill, athleticism and grace, and, for good or bad, set an example for the entire basketball world, on and off the court, [when our player are seen fighting like girls, it reflects poorly not only on the NBA but on all basketball players and fan throughout the world. Until these guys can learn to fight like men, we will continue to fine and suspend players. I have seen better fights between pre-school girls. I don't really want to get into the complete lack of technique exhibited by our players, but I think Carmelo had his thumb tucked into his fist when he threw that punch. Then, he turns and runs like a baby. Unbelievable.]"
The NBA tries really hard to appeal to inner-city youth. There really isn't much natural appeal for kids who lead fairly rough lives to be interested in a game played by privileged, millionaire whiners. To relate to the kids, the NBA encourages its athletes to lead a "thug life." So the players go to strip clubs, release crappy rap albums, and star in movies. Then a few players lose it on the court, get in a fight, punch like girls, run away from each other, and set the League's "street cred" back a few years (not to mention a few million dollars in merchandise).
During their suspensions, players are sent to fight training schools to practice throwing punches and learn that even if you are going to lose a fight, it is better to stand there and get your butt kicked than it is to run away. Unfortunately, it isn't working. This latest fight taught us that the players have not learned the lessons they were supposed to learn after the Pisons versus Pacers fight two years ago.
Some argue that the disgusting display isn't that the players can't fight, but that they lose control to the point that they resort to fighting. That is a misguided assumption. There is plenty of fighting in other professional sports and it is totally acceptable. So the problem can't be that the fights are happening in the NBA, but that when the fights do happen, the players embarrass themselves with their limp-wristed fighting style.
In real sports, the players know how to fight and fighting is just part of the game. Sure there are suspensions, fines, and penalties, but those are only enforced to appease casual viewers who don't know how integral fighting is to those sports. In fact, in baseball, players who are suspended for charging the mound or beaning batters serve their "suspension" in the Bahamas.
Basketball sucks for a lot of reasons. In fact, there are too many reasons to list in this blog. Although parts of it will always suck (the length of the season, boring games, chest-bumping), the NBA could do themselves a huge favor by teaching the players how to fight like grown men. That's all.
Here are some videos of real athletes in real fights.
Oh, and here is a VMI cheerleader teaching a Citadel cadet a lesson.
Besides all of the off-court crap, in the past few years NBA stars have started bringing their reckless behavior onto the court and into the crowds with fist fights.
The most recent episode was last week during the New York Knicks versus Denver Nuggets game. The details of the fight aren't really important; it is sufficient to know that a hard foul at the end of the game turned into a bench-clearing brawl between the two teams. Here is a video of it:
The NBA currently has a reputation problem and when players fight it only exacerbates that problem. This morning, David Stern, the NBA's commissioner, announced fines and suspensions for players that were involved in the latest fight. In a press release Mr. Stern said, "The NBA and its players represent a game of extraordinary skill, athleticism and grace, and, for good or bad, set an example for the entire basketball world, on and off the court, [when our player are seen fighting like girls, it reflects poorly not only on the NBA but on all basketball players and fan throughout the world. Until these guys can learn to fight like men, we will continue to fine and suspend players. I have seen better fights between pre-school girls. I don't really want to get into the complete lack of technique exhibited by our players, but I think Carmelo had his thumb tucked into his fist when he threw that punch. Then, he turns and runs like a baby. Unbelievable.]"
The NBA tries really hard to appeal to inner-city youth. There really isn't much natural appeal for kids who lead fairly rough lives to be interested in a game played by privileged, millionaire whiners. To relate to the kids, the NBA encourages its athletes to lead a "thug life." So the players go to strip clubs, release crappy rap albums, and star in movies. Then a few players lose it on the court, get in a fight, punch like girls, run away from each other, and set the League's "street cred" back a few years (not to mention a few million dollars in merchandise).
During their suspensions, players are sent to fight training schools to practice throwing punches and learn that even if you are going to lose a fight, it is better to stand there and get your butt kicked than it is to run away. Unfortunately, it isn't working. This latest fight taught us that the players have not learned the lessons they were supposed to learn after the Pisons versus Pacers fight two years ago.
Some argue that the disgusting display isn't that the players can't fight, but that they lose control to the point that they resort to fighting. That is a misguided assumption. There is plenty of fighting in other professional sports and it is totally acceptable. So the problem can't be that the fights are happening in the NBA, but that when the fights do happen, the players embarrass themselves with their limp-wristed fighting style.
In real sports, the players know how to fight and fighting is just part of the game. Sure there are suspensions, fines, and penalties, but those are only enforced to appease casual viewers who don't know how integral fighting is to those sports. In fact, in baseball, players who are suspended for charging the mound or beaning batters serve their "suspension" in the Bahamas.
Basketball sucks for a lot of reasons. In fact, there are too many reasons to list in this blog. Although parts of it will always suck (the length of the season, boring games, chest-bumping), the NBA could do themselves a huge favor by teaching the players how to fight like grown men. That's all.
Here are some videos of real athletes in real fights.
Oh, and here is a VMI cheerleader teaching a Citadel cadet a lesson.
10 November 2006
Baby Basics - Debra Style
Occasionally the thought crosses my mind that I could live in Eugene after school is over. I mean, the summers are pretty nice (if you have A/C), and the winters aren't all that bad. Sure, it rains a lot, but it isn't like I'm going to go outside and exercise or anything. I might walk to the car, but that's about it. And I say "might" because as soon as I can afford a Rascal, I won't be walking anywhere. That translates to even less time spent out in the elements.
Lizzy isn't too keen on the idea of sticking around here a day longer than we have to. And to be honest, even though I sometimes think Eugene doesn't suck that bad, as soon as I catch a whiff of nature's smelling salts, I quickly snap out of my delusions.
If all goes to plan, Nathan Jr. will be here in six weeks or so. In an effort to not cause any unnecessary damage to him, we thought it would be a good idea to take some classes about childbirth and baby care. We started on Monday and it was great. Our teacher, Heidi, did a great job and we're looking forward to going back to more classes taught by her. Last night we went to a class taught by Debra. Debra has bought into the whole "nature's way is better" and all that bull sh*t. Needless to say, Debra was the smelling salts I needed to awake from the fog of thinking Eugene isn't that bad.
Here is a taste of Baby Basics - Debra Style:
1. Circumcision is only for Jews.
You may not know this, but circumcision is for people who live in deserts and don't shower very often. In fact, very few cultures circumcise their male babies. Debra tried hard to conceal her contempt for those who choose to circumcise, but it was pretty clear that she is not a fan. Apparently, the trend nowadays is to not circumcise babies, especially in the Pacific Northwest.
Despite her best efforts, Deb didn't convince me to allow Nathan Jr. to be a Snuffleupagus or an anteater, choose your euphemism. Circumcision is a cosmetic procedure, but it is not an elective cosmetic procedure; it is pretty much necessary. Also, Mormons love to compare themselves to Jews (Sidenote: if you think I should be saying Jewish people, I disagree. Please see BA's insightful comments on Jews/Jewish People). If Orrin Hatch can hang a Mezzuzah on his door post, I can have my kid circumcised.
2. Olive oil cures everything.
What's that? You think Johnson and Johnson is trying to control the universe one baby bath at a time? You're right! All you need is a little olive oil. It is probably pretty hard to hold a soapy baby, but I bet a greased up baby is a lot harder to hold. I think the idea was just dump some olive oil on the baby and let the flies clean it. Look, it doesn't make sense to me either, but that is the best I can come up with.
3. When possible, take your shirt off to hold the baby.
Apparently you can only bond with a baby if it can see your nipples. This is true for both mom and dad. Babies need to feel loved and nothing says love like a pasty, white, bare chest. Also, if possible, grow some more chest hair. Maybe I will be a bad parent, but I don't think Nathan Jr. will ever see me with my shirt off. Not only is it gross, but it is also confusing for babies. Some nipples produce milk, some don't; and as far as a baby can tell, they probably look very similar. Sometimes I can barely tell the difference.
Deb did a great job pushing her agenda. I'm sure families following her suggestions will do just fine. Maybe she is right. Maybe babies will only bond with you if they can eat whatever is caught in your chest hair. Maybe olive oil really does replace every man-made product (although olive oil isn't entirely completely natural, I mean, someone had to press the olives, right?). Maybe Nathan Jr. will be the only kid who is circumcised because "the trend is towards not circumcising." If that turns out to be the case, I'm OK with it. He'll appreciate being the only kid whose parents loved him enough that they decided that he could learn enough about smegma from Wikipedia.
Oh, and we're not staying in Eugene a day longer than we have to.
Lizzy isn't too keen on the idea of sticking around here a day longer than we have to. And to be honest, even though I sometimes think Eugene doesn't suck that bad, as soon as I catch a whiff of nature's smelling salts, I quickly snap out of my delusions.
If all goes to plan, Nathan Jr. will be here in six weeks or so. In an effort to not cause any unnecessary damage to him, we thought it would be a good idea to take some classes about childbirth and baby care. We started on Monday and it was great. Our teacher, Heidi, did a great job and we're looking forward to going back to more classes taught by her. Last night we went to a class taught by Debra. Debra has bought into the whole "nature's way is better" and all that bull sh*t. Needless to say, Debra was the smelling salts I needed to awake from the fog of thinking Eugene isn't that bad.
Here is a taste of Baby Basics - Debra Style:
1. Circumcision is only for Jews.
You may not know this, but circumcision is for people who live in deserts and don't shower very often. In fact, very few cultures circumcise their male babies. Debra tried hard to conceal her contempt for those who choose to circumcise, but it was pretty clear that she is not a fan. Apparently, the trend nowadays is to not circumcise babies, especially in the Pacific Northwest.
Despite her best efforts, Deb didn't convince me to allow Nathan Jr. to be a Snuffleupagus or an anteater, choose your euphemism. Circumcision is a cosmetic procedure, but it is not an elective cosmetic procedure; it is pretty much necessary. Also, Mormons love to compare themselves to Jews (Sidenote: if you think I should be saying Jewish people, I disagree. Please see BA's insightful comments on Jews/Jewish People). If Orrin Hatch can hang a Mezzuzah on his door post, I can have my kid circumcised.
2. Olive oil cures everything.
What's that? You think Johnson and Johnson is trying to control the universe one baby bath at a time? You're right! All you need is a little olive oil. It is probably pretty hard to hold a soapy baby, but I bet a greased up baby is a lot harder to hold. I think the idea was just dump some olive oil on the baby and let the flies clean it. Look, it doesn't make sense to me either, but that is the best I can come up with.
3. When possible, take your shirt off to hold the baby.
Apparently you can only bond with a baby if it can see your nipples. This is true for both mom and dad. Babies need to feel loved and nothing says love like a pasty, white, bare chest. Also, if possible, grow some more chest hair. Maybe I will be a bad parent, but I don't think Nathan Jr. will ever see me with my shirt off. Not only is it gross, but it is also confusing for babies. Some nipples produce milk, some don't; and as far as a baby can tell, they probably look very similar. Sometimes I can barely tell the difference.
Deb did a great job pushing her agenda. I'm sure families following her suggestions will do just fine. Maybe she is right. Maybe babies will only bond with you if they can eat whatever is caught in your chest hair. Maybe olive oil really does replace every man-made product (although olive oil isn't entirely completely natural, I mean, someone had to press the olives, right?). Maybe Nathan Jr. will be the only kid who is circumcised because "the trend is towards not circumcising." If that turns out to be the case, I'm OK with it. He'll appreciate being the only kid whose parents loved him enough that they decided that he could learn enough about smegma from Wikipedia.
Oh, and we're not staying in Eugene a day longer than we have to.
31 October 2006
NPR Asks for Your Donations
NPR is currently doing its annual (or is it monthly?) donation drive.
This is the worst time to listen to NPR for several reasons. First, all the regularly-scheduled programs are interrupted by NPR lackies to ask for money. Second, suggested contributions are always compared to the current price of a latte. Third, the DJs (or whatever they are called) use guilt totally ineffectively.
I have never contributed to NPR and I probably never will. If NPR weren't on the radio, I could find something else to listen to. And another thing, what is so bad about having NPR run commercials? I mean the donation drive takes up as much time as commercials do anyway.
When you get right down to it, NPR won't get any money from me because the stories they run aren't that great and I can get the news from a million other sources. If NPR starts running some good stories, I'll start donating.
Here's an example:
This is the worst time to listen to NPR for several reasons. First, all the regularly-scheduled programs are interrupted by NPR lackies to ask for money. Second, suggested contributions are always compared to the current price of a latte. Third, the DJs (or whatever they are called) use guilt totally ineffectively.
I have never contributed to NPR and I probably never will. If NPR weren't on the radio, I could find something else to listen to. And another thing, what is so bad about having NPR run commercials? I mean the donation drive takes up as much time as commercials do anyway.
When you get right down to it, NPR won't get any money from me because the stories they run aren't that great and I can get the news from a million other sources. If NPR starts running some good stories, I'll start donating.
Here's an example:
10 October 2006
Time with the Missus
Lizzy loves the Gilmore Girls. I hate it. Because she is always watching the show, I decided that to save our marriage I need to do something drastic. Here is the solution:
09 October 2006
Das Gemüse. The Vegetables. Das Gemüse.
If you're going to run against the Cannon machine in the third congressional district in Utah, you'd better be pretty creative. Or rich. Or insanely conservative. Or all of the above. Christian Burridge is this year's Democratic challenger to Chris Cannon and, although he seems like a really, really nice guy, Mr. Burridge doesn't seem to have any of the attributes mentioned above.
What Burridge does have is a camcorder, some sweet Michael McClean music, and the love and adoration of his family and close friends. Burridge ripped off Called To Serve and made an awesome video highlighting some of the qualities that prove he can do well in Congress.
Here it is:
Burridge for Congress
I was hoping for a scene or two with Mr. Burridge riding his bike in a suit or perhaps ogling the one hot sister missionary in the MTC (I guess that is a complaint with Mr. Burridge's version and the original Church-produced version of Called to Serve as well).
I did like that his former missionary companion implies that he "came out" to Mr. Burridge on the mission. Also of note is Mrs. Burridge's intimation that her husband has to dumb things down for her to understand what he is talking about.
I wish this guy all the success in the world. Chris Cannon sucks. Vote Burridge!
What Burridge does have is a camcorder, some sweet Michael McClean music, and the love and adoration of his family and close friends. Burridge ripped off Called To Serve and made an awesome video highlighting some of the qualities that prove he can do well in Congress.
Here it is:
Burridge for Congress
I was hoping for a scene or two with Mr. Burridge riding his bike in a suit or perhaps ogling the one hot sister missionary in the MTC (I guess that is a complaint with Mr. Burridge's version and the original Church-produced version of Called to Serve as well).
I did like that his former missionary companion implies that he "came out" to Mr. Burridge on the mission. Also of note is Mrs. Burridge's intimation that her husband has to dumb things down for her to understand what he is talking about.
I wish this guy all the success in the world. Chris Cannon sucks. Vote Burridge!
21 September 2006
Worst Day Ever
I missed My Name is Earl and The Office, but I made it home to watch Grey's Anatomy. Once during baseball practice I took a one-hopper in the goods that hit hard enough to crack my cup. That hurt, but the dull, throbbing, lingering pain I'm feeling in my gut right now is much worse than the pain of that day.
A regular episode of Grey's Anatomy is bad, but an episode of Grey's Anatomy that rips off Lost is much, much worse.
So Grey's Anatomy sucks. Why can't Ronald Miller just be Ronald Miller? Why can't Robin just be Robin? Why can't the black guy from the The Practice just be the black guy from The Practice? Why can't Rocky Dennis just be Rocky Dennis? Why is there only one asian doctor and no asian patients in a Seattle hospital? Maybe I shouldn't ponder the imponderable?
Anyway, since I'm just re-hashing old garbage (like the producers of Grey's Anatomy) here are some pics I have previously posted of Rosie.
A regular episode of Grey's Anatomy is bad, but an episode of Grey's Anatomy that rips off Lost is much, much worse.
So Grey's Anatomy sucks. Why can't Ronald Miller just be Ronald Miller? Why can't Robin just be Robin? Why can't the black guy from the The Practice just be the black guy from The Practice? Why can't Rocky Dennis just be Rocky Dennis? Why is there only one asian doctor and no asian patients in a Seattle hospital? Maybe I shouldn't ponder the imponderable?
Anyway, since I'm just re-hashing old garbage (like the producers of Grey's Anatomy) here are some pics I have previously posted of Rosie.
01 September 2006
Ladies, Can We Be Honest?
For most law students, the fall of their second year is the first time they learn first-hand just how awful interviewing can be. Right now, the second years are doing mock interviews with lawyers from Eugene to perfect their interviewing skills before they have real interviews. I guess it is a good idea, but I'm a little troubled by the lack of feedback the participants receive. Usually, you interview with the person and then they take a few minutes to say things like, "Don't say 'um' so much." or, "Consider washing off a little of the patchouli before you do a real interview." (Maybe that is just at the U of O?)
Now, I know I am not the font of all successful interviewing knowledge, but I do have a tip - STOP! Hammer Time! - for my female counterparts as they start the stressful process of finding a summer job: Please, do not wear a pant suit.
I'm all for women having careers and blah, blah, blah. But a pant suit is sending the wrong message. Somewhere, sometime, some career services advisor told you that a pant suit would convey to a potential employer that you are assertive, strong-willed, and professional. That career services advisor was wrong. A pant suit conveys one message: You're dating Rosie.
But more than that, there are some real problems with pant suits. First, well, first is the whole lesbian thing. Second, no one looks good in a pant suit. Here are some professional models wearing pant suits. Trust me; this is as good as pant suits can possibly look. Here is a gal sitting in a pant suit. This one is giving a "thumbs up." Thumbs ups are for suckers. Peek-a-boo! OK, maybe she doesn't have a pant suit on, but I couldn't pass up that one. This one is trying to sleep her way up to the top. See, they just don't look right. Finally, why are you wearing pants if you don't have to? I don't know any guy who wouldn't prefer to wear a skirt if he could. I mean the ventilation alone is worth it. And poor ventilation can lead to very, very bad things.
So, do yourselves a favor. Wear a skirt whenever you can. Employers will appreciate it. You'll feel better. Trust me, I'm a dude, I know these things.
Now, I know I am not the font of all successful interviewing knowledge, but I do have a tip - STOP! Hammer Time! - for my female counterparts as they start the stressful process of finding a summer job: Please, do not wear a pant suit.
I'm all for women having careers and blah, blah, blah. But a pant suit is sending the wrong message. Somewhere, sometime, some career services advisor told you that a pant suit would convey to a potential employer that you are assertive, strong-willed, and professional. That career services advisor was wrong. A pant suit conveys one message: You're dating Rosie.
But more than that, there are some real problems with pant suits. First, well, first is the whole lesbian thing. Second, no one looks good in a pant suit. Here are some professional models wearing pant suits. Trust me; this is as good as pant suits can possibly look. Here is a gal sitting in a pant suit. This one is giving a "thumbs up." Thumbs ups are for suckers. Peek-a-boo! OK, maybe she doesn't have a pant suit on, but I couldn't pass up that one. This one is trying to sleep her way up to the top. See, they just don't look right. Finally, why are you wearing pants if you don't have to? I don't know any guy who wouldn't prefer to wear a skirt if he could. I mean the ventilation alone is worth it. And poor ventilation can lead to very, very bad things.
So, do yourselves a favor. Wear a skirt whenever you can. Employers will appreciate it. You'll feel better. Trust me, I'm a dude, I know these things.
10 August 2006
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Learning a foreign language is very valuable. I was lucky enough to learn German as a missionary in Austria. When I returned I majored in German at the University of Utah (otherwise known as the Harvard of the west). Unfortunately, since I have been out of the German program at the U., there really hasn't been a lot of opportunities to speak the language and without practice, things go downhill very quickly.
Every once in a while I will hear a German interview on TV. It is usually on the History Channel and more often than not it an old German guy talking about how Hitler duped his countrymen into pursing the Final Solution. Even though most of what is said is just regurgitated excuses, it is nice to hear German and pretend, even for just a minute, that I am a better translator than the one the History Channel hired.
One thing that has become a huge pet peeve of mine is the current use of "uber" in English. If you read cool magazines like Rolling Stone and GQ or if you watch MTV at all, you have come across this word. Typically, an English-speaker uses the word as a superlative to replace "super." Those people are idiots.
In German "ueber" (I don't know how to use umlauts on blogger) means many different things. Most German words are just combinations of other words. For example, "backen" mean "to bake", "Stein" mean "rock", so "Backstein" means "brick." See, you just build words out of other words. "Ueber" is a preposition when used alone (it can mean about, above, across, at, beyond, by, etc.), it can also be an adverb (again, tons of different meanings depending on context), and it can be a prefix to a noun.
I think the prefix to a noun part is where cool guys distort the meaning of the word. The concept of an "Uebermensch" comes from Friedrich Nietzsche. You can read about it all on Wikipedia if you want, but for the purposes of this blog it is sufficient to say that "Uebermensch" translates to "super-human" or, as it is commonly mistranslated, "super-man."
I think the current misuse of the word started with Dana Carvey in Wayne's World when he referred to Claudia Schiffer as an "uber-babe." It appears that the same guy that helped popularize the "not joke" is responsible for the "uber" phenomenon as well. The difference is that "not jokes" are comedy gold, but "uber" is retarded. Not even Carvey, who hasn't made a dime since Wayne's World 2, is cautious about using words from that era.
Now other tools (here , and here) are using the word and convincing impressionable youths that using the word to mean "super" is perfectly acceptable and even sometimes the coolest superlative ever conceived. By the by, at BYU a tool is called a silky boner. I understand these guys don't know any better, but I really wish that we could stop this madness.
If you routinely use the word "uber," you need to stop immediately. I promise that you will feel better about yourself. You didn't believe me when I told you to take off the stupid pucca shell necklace, but now that you are employable, you know that I was right. If you know someone who has used the word, tell them that there is hope for them too. With all of the madness in the world, we need to find some common ground to build upon. I suggest that the common ground we can all agree on is that "uber" should not be used to mean "super."
Thanks for your time. NOT!
Every once in a while I will hear a German interview on TV. It is usually on the History Channel and more often than not it an old German guy talking about how Hitler duped his countrymen into pursing the Final Solution. Even though most of what is said is just regurgitated excuses, it is nice to hear German and pretend, even for just a minute, that I am a better translator than the one the History Channel hired.
One thing that has become a huge pet peeve of mine is the current use of "uber" in English. If you read cool magazines like Rolling Stone and GQ or if you watch MTV at all, you have come across this word. Typically, an English-speaker uses the word as a superlative to replace "super." Those people are idiots.
In German "ueber" (I don't know how to use umlauts on blogger) means many different things. Most German words are just combinations of other words. For example, "backen" mean "to bake", "Stein" mean "rock", so "Backstein" means "brick." See, you just build words out of other words. "Ueber" is a preposition when used alone (it can mean about, above, across, at, beyond, by, etc.), it can also be an adverb (again, tons of different meanings depending on context), and it can be a prefix to a noun.
I think the prefix to a noun part is where cool guys distort the meaning of the word. The concept of an "Uebermensch" comes from Friedrich Nietzsche. You can read about it all on Wikipedia if you want, but for the purposes of this blog it is sufficient to say that "Uebermensch" translates to "super-human" or, as it is commonly mistranslated, "super-man."
I think the current misuse of the word started with Dana Carvey in Wayne's World when he referred to Claudia Schiffer as an "uber-babe." It appears that the same guy that helped popularize the "not joke" is responsible for the "uber" phenomenon as well. The difference is that "not jokes" are comedy gold, but "uber" is retarded. Not even Carvey, who hasn't made a dime since Wayne's World 2, is cautious about using words from that era.
Now other tools (here , and here) are using the word and convincing impressionable youths that using the word to mean "super" is perfectly acceptable and even sometimes the coolest superlative ever conceived. By the by, at BYU a tool is called a silky boner. I understand these guys don't know any better, but I really wish that we could stop this madness.
If you routinely use the word "uber," you need to stop immediately. I promise that you will feel better about yourself. You didn't believe me when I told you to take off the stupid pucca shell necklace, but now that you are employable, you know that I was right. If you know someone who has used the word, tell them that there is hope for them too. With all of the madness in the world, we need to find some common ground to build upon. I suggest that the common ground we can all agree on is that "uber" should not be used to mean "super."
Thanks for your time. NOT!
07 August 2006
Morgan Spurlock Sucks
I love documentaries. When I was in 7th grade Ken Burns' Civil War was on PBS and I loved every second it. The same goes for Burns' Baseball series. During my glorious seven month stay in the Austria Vienna Mission Home I watch Trail of Hope: The Story of the Mormon Trail at least once per week. A few months ago Netflix mistakenly sent us a documentary (I don't remember the name) in the sleeve of another movie. The documentary was about a kiddie fiddler (is that Dave Coulier?), a subject I generally try to avoid, but the story was still interesting.
My brother just finished making a documentary about Helper, Utah. That doesn't have much to do with what I want to talk about, but I figured this is the most advertising he is going to get, so I might as well throw it out there. Look for it on KUED sometime soon!
Back to the business at hand.
Documentaries have become mainstream in the last few years. I guess we can thank Michael Moore for most of the current buzz about documentaries. Michael Moore isn't a typical documentarian because he usually tries to make himself central to whatever story he is trying to tell. It worked for him for a long time. Roger & Me is a great film and Bowling for Columbine was pretty good too. I admit I haven't seen Fahrenheit 9/11 mostly because I think Moore went too far with it (not the story, because I haven't seen it, but the promotion). In fact, I don't know that anyone remembers much about that movie except that Michael Moore hates President Bush. You don't really need to make a documentary about that.
I think Moore has lost some relevence and will continue to do so as long as he makes his films about how liberal his views are and how messed up the current administration is. The only thing that is saving Moore from being the joke of the documentary world is Morgan Spurlock.
Spurlock is an idiot.
Supersize Me was a load of crap. Spurlock didn't really tell a story, he came up with a conclusion and then create an "experiment" to guarantee a result. If there is one thing I know, it is how to order at McDonald's. Spurlock went over the top with his menu choices to guarantee that he would get fat. No one ever orders an apple pie AND a sundae. Come on, Morgan. Because he went so over the top he really hurt his credibility. And it was probably unnecessarily over the top because he likely would have had similar results (although perhaps not as extreme) if he had just ordered like a regular person. I'm a fat man and the Number 2 supersized was all it took for me to get that way. Morgan also had other "side effects" from eating exclusively at McDonald's. He was lethargic, battled headaches and depression, and had a hard time "performing" for his girlfriend. Maybe "hard" is the wrong word? Morgan, who likely has not completed a lot of courses in scientific research, made a fundamental mistake with his conclusions in Supersize Me. He contributed most of the adverse health effects to McDonald's less-than-healthy food when I would argue, in my scientific opinion, that 75-80% of Morgan's problems stem from being a pussy, not from eating fatty foods.
Now Spurlock has a show on F/X called 30 Days. The idea is that someone lives a life other than the one they are used to. Morgan decided to live the life of a person on minimum wage. Then he went on Oprah to talk about it. During Morgan's 30 days as a minimum wage earner he got sick and had to go to a hospital. Since people who make minimum wage don't have insurance, he decided to not have insurance. Morgan makes some conclusions about why minimum wage laws are so bad, but I'm not exactly sure what he is arguing. On Oprah he said Americans need to write their representatives in Congress to ask them to address the issue. It isn't clear if he is talking about minimum wage laws, universal healthcare, poor people in general, or something else. I don't think he really thought that far ahead, and he probably doesn't care. I guess the conclusion is that capitalism sucks.
The worst part about Spurlock is that some people who might agree with some of his arguments (if they can figure out exactly what he is arguing) are turned off by him because he goes to extremes. But, then again, I guess a documentary that concludes with a rational discussion of pros and cons of fundamental social change is sort of boring.
The reason for this blog is to warn my loyal reader to watch out for Morgan Spurlock because he sucks.
Here is a list of documentaries you should check out if you want to be as smart as I am:
The Merchants of Cool (you can find it on Frontline's website on pbs.org along with a lot of other interesting stories)
Spellbound
Roger & Me
Murderball
Anything by Ken Burns
New York Doll
Murder on a Sunday Morning
Any I'm missing?
My brother just finished making a documentary about Helper, Utah. That doesn't have much to do with what I want to talk about, but I figured this is the most advertising he is going to get, so I might as well throw it out there. Look for it on KUED sometime soon!
Back to the business at hand.
Documentaries have become mainstream in the last few years. I guess we can thank Michael Moore for most of the current buzz about documentaries. Michael Moore isn't a typical documentarian because he usually tries to make himself central to whatever story he is trying to tell. It worked for him for a long time. Roger & Me is a great film and Bowling for Columbine was pretty good too. I admit I haven't seen Fahrenheit 9/11 mostly because I think Moore went too far with it (not the story, because I haven't seen it, but the promotion). In fact, I don't know that anyone remembers much about that movie except that Michael Moore hates President Bush. You don't really need to make a documentary about that.
I think Moore has lost some relevence and will continue to do so as long as he makes his films about how liberal his views are and how messed up the current administration is. The only thing that is saving Moore from being the joke of the documentary world is Morgan Spurlock.
Spurlock is an idiot.
Supersize Me was a load of crap. Spurlock didn't really tell a story, he came up with a conclusion and then create an "experiment" to guarantee a result. If there is one thing I know, it is how to order at McDonald's. Spurlock went over the top with his menu choices to guarantee that he would get fat. No one ever orders an apple pie AND a sundae. Come on, Morgan. Because he went so over the top he really hurt his credibility. And it was probably unnecessarily over the top because he likely would have had similar results (although perhaps not as extreme) if he had just ordered like a regular person. I'm a fat man and the Number 2 supersized was all it took for me to get that way. Morgan also had other "side effects" from eating exclusively at McDonald's. He was lethargic, battled headaches and depression, and had a hard time "performing" for his girlfriend. Maybe "hard" is the wrong word? Morgan, who likely has not completed a lot of courses in scientific research, made a fundamental mistake with his conclusions in Supersize Me. He contributed most of the adverse health effects to McDonald's less-than-healthy food when I would argue, in my scientific opinion, that 75-80% of Morgan's problems stem from being a pussy, not from eating fatty foods.
Now Spurlock has a show on F/X called 30 Days. The idea is that someone lives a life other than the one they are used to. Morgan decided to live the life of a person on minimum wage. Then he went on Oprah to talk about it. During Morgan's 30 days as a minimum wage earner he got sick and had to go to a hospital. Since people who make minimum wage don't have insurance, he decided to not have insurance. Morgan makes some conclusions about why minimum wage laws are so bad, but I'm not exactly sure what he is arguing. On Oprah he said Americans need to write their representatives in Congress to ask them to address the issue. It isn't clear if he is talking about minimum wage laws, universal healthcare, poor people in general, or something else. I don't think he really thought that far ahead, and he probably doesn't care. I guess the conclusion is that capitalism sucks.
The worst part about Spurlock is that some people who might agree with some of his arguments (if they can figure out exactly what he is arguing) are turned off by him because he goes to extremes. But, then again, I guess a documentary that concludes with a rational discussion of pros and cons of fundamental social change is sort of boring.
The reason for this blog is to warn my loyal reader to watch out for Morgan Spurlock because he sucks.
Here is a list of documentaries you should check out if you want to be as smart as I am:
The Merchants of Cool (you can find it on Frontline's website on pbs.org along with a lot of other interesting stories)
Spellbound
Roger & Me
Murderball
Anything by Ken Burns
New York Doll
Murder on a Sunday Morning
Any I'm missing?
16 June 2006
NPR. National Public Radio.
Hello, loyal reader!
I'm working in Salem, Oregon this summer for the Oregon Supreme Court. I write memos about interesting things like rape, sodomy, and murder. So far it has been a great experience. It is 65.6 miles from HQ to the court. I have a carpool buddy who has made the hour-and-change drive fairly enjoyable. We have been listening to a lot of NPR on our trips. I'd like to tell you about some of the thoughts I've had while listening to NPR this past week. Why? Because it will be awesome. Fine, agree to disagree.
On All Things Considered, listeners can submit sound recordings that they make of "cool," "interesting" (their words, not mine) or "retarded" (my word, not theirs) things. On Wednesday's show, listener Glenn Weyant from Tucson submitted a sound recording that he thought would add to the current immigration debate. Glenn took a contact microphone and a cello bow down to the border (the US-Mexico border, not Taco Bell) to "play" the fence separating the US and Mexico. Mr. Weyant wants to get a bunch of Americans and a bunch of Mexicans to meet on either side of the fence on a certain day (surprisingly, he hasn't really planned this out completely) and use the fence as a musical instrument. I don't know what his plan is after that. Probably just smoke a joint. I don't know Glenn very well but I am sure that almost all of his ideas start and end with smoking a joint. Here is the sound clip. You should probably download it because you'll want to put this on the ipod. I promise that the 196 seconds you spend listening to Glenn's art will be the best 196 seconds of your life. Oh yeah, Glenn says he is a professional sound sculptor. I think that is what David St. Hubbins meant when he said if he couldn't be a rock star he would be a full-time dreamer.
Glenn's is only one in a series of SoundClips from NPR. Check out all the great things people waste their time recording. You can hear what a log trimming machine sounds like or what a crane moving from one end of a warehouse to other end sounds like.
I get on NPR kicks every once in a while. Usually I'll listen fairly regularly for three months or so and then not listen for a while. NPR loves to have stories about two things: (1) current political/social issues and (2) stories about Elliott Smith. I guess Elliott's music is pretty good. Plus, he did kill himself, (although I think there is some debate about whether he stabbed himself in the heart or if he had "help" from his girlfriend), and he had one song on the Good Will Hunting soundtrack, but does there really need to be a story about him every three weeks? Why not just one story about someone else? How about Falco? FACT: Falco's music changed the world. FACT: He was featured on at least one movie soundtrack. FACT: He is dead. FACT: He is the greatest recording artist of all time. I rest my case.
I think I'm going to submit a sound clip. But what? Any ideas? Maybe the sound of the effect GOB's chicken dance has on immigration? Here is a good one too.
I'm working in Salem, Oregon this summer for the Oregon Supreme Court. I write memos about interesting things like rape, sodomy, and murder. So far it has been a great experience. It is 65.6 miles from HQ to the court. I have a carpool buddy who has made the hour-and-change drive fairly enjoyable. We have been listening to a lot of NPR on our trips. I'd like to tell you about some of the thoughts I've had while listening to NPR this past week. Why? Because it will be awesome. Fine, agree to disagree.
On All Things Considered, listeners can submit sound recordings that they make of "cool," "interesting" (their words, not mine) or "retarded" (my word, not theirs) things. On Wednesday's show, listener Glenn Weyant from Tucson submitted a sound recording that he thought would add to the current immigration debate. Glenn took a contact microphone and a cello bow down to the border (the US-Mexico border, not Taco Bell) to "play" the fence separating the US and Mexico. Mr. Weyant wants to get a bunch of Americans and a bunch of Mexicans to meet on either side of the fence on a certain day (surprisingly, he hasn't really planned this out completely) and use the fence as a musical instrument. I don't know what his plan is after that. Probably just smoke a joint. I don't know Glenn very well but I am sure that almost all of his ideas start and end with smoking a joint. Here is the sound clip. You should probably download it because you'll want to put this on the ipod. I promise that the 196 seconds you spend listening to Glenn's art will be the best 196 seconds of your life. Oh yeah, Glenn says he is a professional sound sculptor. I think that is what David St. Hubbins meant when he said if he couldn't be a rock star he would be a full-time dreamer.
Glenn's is only one in a series of SoundClips from NPR. Check out all the great things people waste their time recording. You can hear what a log trimming machine sounds like or what a crane moving from one end of a warehouse to other end sounds like.
I get on NPR kicks every once in a while. Usually I'll listen fairly regularly for three months or so and then not listen for a while. NPR loves to have stories about two things: (1) current political/social issues and (2) stories about Elliott Smith. I guess Elliott's music is pretty good. Plus, he did kill himself, (although I think there is some debate about whether he stabbed himself in the heart or if he had "help" from his girlfriend), and he had one song on the Good Will Hunting soundtrack, but does there really need to be a story about him every three weeks? Why not just one story about someone else? How about Falco? FACT: Falco's music changed the world. FACT: He was featured on at least one movie soundtrack. FACT: He is dead. FACT: He is the greatest recording artist of all time. I rest my case.
I think I'm going to submit a sound clip. But what? Any ideas? Maybe the sound of the effect GOB's chicken dance has on immigration? Here is a good one too.
15 May 2006
Here Comes the Hotstepper
The missus and I had the pleasure of chaperoning a stake dance on Saturday. I don't feel like I'm a lot older than these kids, but I guess I am. I don't remember ever having stake dances at all. We had stomps, but I think that is just a Utah thing. It should be a worldwide thing because stomps are awesome and stake dances suck.
Anyway, in order for kids to get into the dance, they had to wear church clothes (dress shirts and ties for the boys, skirts and blouses for the girls). They also had to present a "dance card" at the door, sort of like an admission ticket from the bishop. Because prom was going on for most of the high schools in our area, most of the kids there were between 14 and 16. Lizzy and I were stationed at a door in the gym to keep the kids from sneaking out and destroying the church. It was a pretty slow night. We only had one incident and I was able to defuse the situation pretty quickly thanks to my new taser.
Being at the dance gave me some time to reflect on my high school days. The ten year reunion is coming up in a few months and I'm getting pretty jazzed about it. I was in Germany for the five year, so that makes the ten year even more important. It sort of sucks that I haven't received any phone calls or emails from organizers, but I'm pretty sure they are just having a hard time finding me and not avoiding me on purpose. But that is for a later blog.
Some of my readers know that I am a professionally trained dancer. I have been schooled in both tap and ballet and have learned hip hop, break dancing, and jazz on my own. I'm an excellent dancer (like Raymond Babbitt is an excellent driver).
Even though I am an excellent dancer, I have never been a fan of dances. I never learned the Electric Slide (nice pantsuit), which is a huge bummer. I' not sure how everyone learned that dance. I always figured it was taught during gym or something and I was absent that day. Maybe people spend time working on it at home? I guess that happens, but that sure is gay. The best part about the Electric Slide is that no one is really interested in doing it. People are involved, but they aren't happy. There are no smiles, no spontaneous high fives, nothing. It is just a bunch of otherwise self-conscious people hoping that the next hop-quarter-turn-clap-combo doesn't put them in the front row where everyone can see them.
I went to Youth Conference once and I almost stopped going to church. I don't know what it had to do with learning about church, but we had to learn a country dance. Everyone was given a partner, mine was a softball player. Not this kind of softball player, but this kind of softball player. It left a bad taste in my mouth. I still have nightmares about it.
I was surprised that not that much has changed at dances in the last ten years. The same songs are popular. The kids went nuts for "I'm Just a Girl" from No Doubt; "Cotton-Eyed Joe " from Rednex; and the ubiquitous "Electric Slide" from Grandmaster Slice. Besides an unexplainable, newfound love for A Simple Plan, all of the hits were at least ten or twelve years old.
Another constant is that swing dancing sucks. I'll never understand what motivates people to learn how to swing dance. And once they learn it, where do they get the balls big enough to think they are awesome?
Finally, Kokomo is still an awful song and the Beach Boys still suck. I know Stamos was in the video and all, but that still doesn't save the song or the band.
That's about all I have to say about it. The kids had a fun time, I got to use the taser, no one got knocked up, and everyone was home by 11:30. It was a successful evening.
Anyway, in order for kids to get into the dance, they had to wear church clothes (dress shirts and ties for the boys, skirts and blouses for the girls). They also had to present a "dance card" at the door, sort of like an admission ticket from the bishop. Because prom was going on for most of the high schools in our area, most of the kids there were between 14 and 16. Lizzy and I were stationed at a door in the gym to keep the kids from sneaking out and destroying the church. It was a pretty slow night. We only had one incident and I was able to defuse the situation pretty quickly thanks to my new taser.
Being at the dance gave me some time to reflect on my high school days. The ten year reunion is coming up in a few months and I'm getting pretty jazzed about it. I was in Germany for the five year, so that makes the ten year even more important. It sort of sucks that I haven't received any phone calls or emails from organizers, but I'm pretty sure they are just having a hard time finding me and not avoiding me on purpose. But that is for a later blog.
Some of my readers know that I am a professionally trained dancer. I have been schooled in both tap and ballet and have learned hip hop, break dancing, and jazz on my own. I'm an excellent dancer (like Raymond Babbitt is an excellent driver).
Even though I am an excellent dancer, I have never been a fan of dances. I never learned the Electric Slide (nice pantsuit), which is a huge bummer. I' not sure how everyone learned that dance. I always figured it was taught during gym or something and I was absent that day. Maybe people spend time working on it at home? I guess that happens, but that sure is gay. The best part about the Electric Slide is that no one is really interested in doing it. People are involved, but they aren't happy. There are no smiles, no spontaneous high fives, nothing. It is just a bunch of otherwise self-conscious people hoping that the next hop-quarter-turn-clap-combo doesn't put them in the front row where everyone can see them.
I went to Youth Conference once and I almost stopped going to church. I don't know what it had to do with learning about church, but we had to learn a country dance. Everyone was given a partner, mine was a softball player. Not this kind of softball player, but this kind of softball player. It left a bad taste in my mouth. I still have nightmares about it.
I was surprised that not that much has changed at dances in the last ten years. The same songs are popular. The kids went nuts for "I'm Just a Girl" from No Doubt; "Cotton-Eyed Joe " from Rednex; and the ubiquitous "Electric Slide" from Grandmaster Slice. Besides an unexplainable, newfound love for A Simple Plan, all of the hits were at least ten or twelve years old.
Another constant is that swing dancing sucks. I'll never understand what motivates people to learn how to swing dance. And once they learn it, where do they get the balls big enough to think they are awesome?
Finally, Kokomo is still an awful song and the Beach Boys still suck. I know Stamos was in the video and all, but that still doesn't save the song or the band.
That's about all I have to say about it. The kids had a fun time, I got to use the taser, no one got knocked up, and everyone was home by 11:30. It was a successful evening.
09 May 2006
video.google.com
I don't know what motivates people to record themselves being stupid, but I'm glad they do it. One of the best things I have found in the last little while is Google Video. You can find pretty much anything that you can imagine. I especially like awesome guitar solos. As a crappy guitarist myself, I know garbage when I see it. Really, anything music related is golden. Here are some of my favorites this week:
Metallica One Intro Solo
Arjun and Panu. "Arjun, how can we score some hot 8th grade chicks?" "I don't know, Panu. But lip syncing a Weezer song is probably a good place to start."
Kids & Nirvana. The only way this makes sense is if it is a commercial for an orthodontist trying to appeal to Generation X girls who got pregnant in high school and now have kids who need braces. At least that is the only thing I can think of.
Guerrilla Radio. I don't think this performance was at an LDS Institute dance, but I've been wrong before.
Gray's Freestyle Rap. And you thought myspace was only dangerous because of child predators.
Vindicated. Is that a girl or the singer from The Killers?
Vindicated , Part II. Dashboard Confessional provides an endless source of crappy videos. This kid has it all. Wind blowing through his hair. Bad choreography. Stupid symbolism. He has a bright future in the music business. I bet he doesn't have any brothers. And if he does have brothers, I hope they beat the living hell out of him. That is the only way to learn.
Huey Lewis & The News. This is probably the greatest video ever. The bandmembers have obviously studied Robert Palmer videos. The lead singer has some of the best moves I have ever seen and he might be Dell Schanze. Look out, he might pull a gun on you!
Enjoy!
Metallica One Intro Solo
Arjun and Panu. "Arjun, how can we score some hot 8th grade chicks?" "I don't know, Panu. But lip syncing a Weezer song is probably a good place to start."
Kids & Nirvana. The only way this makes sense is if it is a commercial for an orthodontist trying to appeal to Generation X girls who got pregnant in high school and now have kids who need braces. At least that is the only thing I can think of.
Guerrilla Radio. I don't think this performance was at an LDS Institute dance, but I've been wrong before.
Gray's Freestyle Rap. And you thought myspace was only dangerous because of child predators.
Vindicated. Is that a girl or the singer from The Killers?
Vindicated , Part II. Dashboard Confessional provides an endless source of crappy videos. This kid has it all. Wind blowing through his hair. Bad choreography. Stupid symbolism. He has a bright future in the music business. I bet he doesn't have any brothers. And if he does have brothers, I hope they beat the living hell out of him. That is the only way to learn.
Huey Lewis & The News. This is probably the greatest video ever. The bandmembers have obviously studied Robert Palmer videos. The lead singer has some of the best moves I have ever seen and he might be Dell Schanze. Look out, he might pull a gun on you!
Enjoy!
29 March 2006
I'm Putting On A Clinic
Up until thirty seconds ago, I was trying to convincingly express my interest in working for the railroad. I'm sure it is a great job, but I'm not doing a very good job of lying about being excited about the railroad. Besides an excuse to wear overalls on a regular basis, I just don't see the appeal. So, it is time to re-focus my creative energy on something else. It is time for Panhandling 101 (or 1010 for you U of U students).
I have spent a lot of time watching hobos. I have seen some of the best in the world work. A panhandler who knows what he is doing is a beautiful thing. Those dudes can start with nothing at 8:00 am and be totally drunk by 9:15 am. Now, I fully understand that panhandlers aren't much for "book learnin'", so I have developed a simple five step program that is easy for the most ignorant hobo to learn and guaranteed to produce results. It is all about PALMS.
1. Position
No one likes tall people. If your tall, you know what I'm talking about. Sure, people are nice to your face, but you really don't have any friends. All those shorter people are thinking of ways to take out your knees when you aren't looking. The lesson for you hobos: get as close to the ground as you can. If you're going to stand, slouch. If you are truly committed to a life of begging, sit down. If you want to be world class, sit down, stare at the ground about 18 inches in front of you, and put your hand directly on the ground. The greatest hobo I ever had the privilege to watch was Klaus in Klagenfurt, Austria. This guy would sit down, put his hand on the ground (no matter how cold it was), and stare at the ground. He made tons of money. He earned enough to buy booze for him and six buddies in a little more than an hour. He was a maestro.
2. Attitude
Humility goes a long way. Too many of you make the mistake of trying to justify your life choices. In most cases, people are hobos because they are either crazy or lazy. Since crazy people eventually end up with some sort of government help, most of the you are just plan lazy. Aggressiveness won't get you very far. You need to act like you really need help. Think about how much you want that meth/booze/crack. It will make you sad. Use that as the motivation. Some of you mistakenly think creating a sense of urgency in your clients is a good plan. It is not. Remember, you are going for pity. Look sullen. Say thank you.
3. Location, location, location
I see this in Eugene all the time. People set up on busy street corners and end up standing there all day. You really need to get to the foot traffic. You see, when people are in cars, they are protected by their windows. Sure, they can look out, but there is enough buffer to ignore you. Now remember, you are supposed to be standing/sitting and pouring out humility. It is just too hard to get people in cars to notice. Instead, find a place with lots of pedestrians. Sidewalk corners might work. You need to make sure you aren't holding up traffic too much. Try bus stations, libraries, open spaces by office buildings, and tourist attractions.
4. Method
Remember the story of the tortoise and the hare? Of course you don't. You can't read. The moral of the story is that slow and steady wins the race. It is true for almost anything. Find your spot and sit there. You will make more by being noticeable but not obnoxious than you will running around and pestering people. You may say this is counterintuitive. I will remind you that you are a hobo and your intuition so far has been wrong. Trust me.
5. Signs
You probably shouldn't use signs. They actually detract from the message. If you follow the other steps, you are saying more than any sign will say. Everyone knows you are there to feed your addiction. You are not interested in getting to your kids. You don't need gas money (unless you're a huffer). You're not looking for work. Remember, you will be most effective by sitting and putting your hand on the ground. Having said that, if you really want a sign, keep it simple. It should be small and to the point. Try something like, "Need help." That way you're not lying to clients. Clients may ask what you need help with. DO NOT make eye contact. Just say, "Thank you."
So there you have it. Let me know how it goes.
I have spent a lot of time watching hobos. I have seen some of the best in the world work. A panhandler who knows what he is doing is a beautiful thing. Those dudes can start with nothing at 8:00 am and be totally drunk by 9:15 am. Now, I fully understand that panhandlers aren't much for "book learnin'", so I have developed a simple five step program that is easy for the most ignorant hobo to learn and guaranteed to produce results. It is all about PALMS.
1. Position
No one likes tall people. If your tall, you know what I'm talking about. Sure, people are nice to your face, but you really don't have any friends. All those shorter people are thinking of ways to take out your knees when you aren't looking. The lesson for you hobos: get as close to the ground as you can. If you're going to stand, slouch. If you are truly committed to a life of begging, sit down. If you want to be world class, sit down, stare at the ground about 18 inches in front of you, and put your hand directly on the ground. The greatest hobo I ever had the privilege to watch was Klaus in Klagenfurt, Austria. This guy would sit down, put his hand on the ground (no matter how cold it was), and stare at the ground. He made tons of money. He earned enough to buy booze for him and six buddies in a little more than an hour. He was a maestro.
2. Attitude
Humility goes a long way. Too many of you make the mistake of trying to justify your life choices. In most cases, people are hobos because they are either crazy or lazy. Since crazy people eventually end up with some sort of government help, most of the you are just plan lazy. Aggressiveness won't get you very far. You need to act like you really need help. Think about how much you want that meth/booze/crack. It will make you sad. Use that as the motivation. Some of you mistakenly think creating a sense of urgency in your clients is a good plan. It is not. Remember, you are going for pity. Look sullen. Say thank you.
3. Location, location, location
I see this in Eugene all the time. People set up on busy street corners and end up standing there all day. You really need to get to the foot traffic. You see, when people are in cars, they are protected by their windows. Sure, they can look out, but there is enough buffer to ignore you. Now remember, you are supposed to be standing/sitting and pouring out humility. It is just too hard to get people in cars to notice. Instead, find a place with lots of pedestrians. Sidewalk corners might work. You need to make sure you aren't holding up traffic too much. Try bus stations, libraries, open spaces by office buildings, and tourist attractions.
4. Method
Remember the story of the tortoise and the hare? Of course you don't. You can't read. The moral of the story is that slow and steady wins the race. It is true for almost anything. Find your spot and sit there. You will make more by being noticeable but not obnoxious than you will running around and pestering people. You may say this is counterintuitive. I will remind you that you are a hobo and your intuition so far has been wrong. Trust me.
5. Signs
You probably shouldn't use signs. They actually detract from the message. If you follow the other steps, you are saying more than any sign will say. Everyone knows you are there to feed your addiction. You are not interested in getting to your kids. You don't need gas money (unless you're a huffer). You're not looking for work. Remember, you will be most effective by sitting and putting your hand on the ground. Having said that, if you really want a sign, keep it simple. It should be small and to the point. Try something like, "Need help." That way you're not lying to clients. Clients may ask what you need help with. DO NOT make eye contact. Just say, "Thank you."
So there you have it. Let me know how it goes.
28 March 2006
Golfing
I went golfing yesterday and today. I don't get a chance to go all that often, but I really enjoy it when I go. Before yesterday, the last time I went golfing was in September. Six months off isn't doing any favors for my game, but I think my biggest problem is that I have no idea what I'm doing. At all.
My mom's coworker tried to teach me how to golf when I was about 12. We went to Four Lakes in Taylorsville and, as I remember it, I was pretty good. The rentals were sweet. I was hooked and finally convinced my mom to get a starter set of clubs. I have gotten progressively worse since that first purchase.
I have disfigured at least two dozen people with my slice. Some of the scars will heal, the mental ones probably won't. No one is safe being anywhere near me. I have ricocheted balls off of trees, practice mats at the driving range, feet, the shaft of the club, poles, old ladies, boy scouts, and daytime hookers. And that isn't an exhaustive list.
Even though I suck and probably won't ever get any better, I keep going. Part of the fun is occassionally hitting a good shot and thinking, just for a second, that I might not be the worst golfer ever. After I hit a good shot, I try to remember exactly what I did so I can do it again on the next shot. I just end up causing more problems than anything. Maybe I need to change my grip? My stance? My swing? My tempo? My club?
Maybe I need to change my attitude? A little less of this and little more of this. The older I get, the more I realize that Rodney Dangerfield and Journey can solve just about any problem. If more people would just take time out of their day to listen to "Anyway You Want It" and really listen to it, the world would be a better place. I'm sure my handicap would go down. It is probably easier said than done, but I'm going to give it a shot. If it doesn't work, I might have to break the swearing streak. It is getting old anyway.
So, if I go golfing with any of my faithful reader(s), please remind me of who I am and what I'm about. I am a Journey fan and I'm all about rockin' out.
My mom's coworker tried to teach me how to golf when I was about 12. We went to Four Lakes in Taylorsville and, as I remember it, I was pretty good. The rentals were sweet. I was hooked and finally convinced my mom to get a starter set of clubs. I have gotten progressively worse since that first purchase.
I have disfigured at least two dozen people with my slice. Some of the scars will heal, the mental ones probably won't. No one is safe being anywhere near me. I have ricocheted balls off of trees, practice mats at the driving range, feet, the shaft of the club, poles, old ladies, boy scouts, and daytime hookers. And that isn't an exhaustive list.
Even though I suck and probably won't ever get any better, I keep going. Part of the fun is occassionally hitting a good shot and thinking, just for a second, that I might not be the worst golfer ever. After I hit a good shot, I try to remember exactly what I did so I can do it again on the next shot. I just end up causing more problems than anything. Maybe I need to change my grip? My stance? My swing? My tempo? My club?
Maybe I need to change my attitude? A little less of this and little more of this. The older I get, the more I realize that Rodney Dangerfield and Journey can solve just about any problem. If more people would just take time out of their day to listen to "Anyway You Want It" and really listen to it, the world would be a better place. I'm sure my handicap would go down. It is probably easier said than done, but I'm going to give it a shot. If it doesn't work, I might have to break the swearing streak. It is getting old anyway.
So, if I go golfing with any of my faithful reader(s), please remind me of who I am and what I'm about. I am a Journey fan and I'm all about rockin' out.
28 February 2006
Blog Tag
Welcome to Blog Tag (previously known as Meme Tag. I changed the name because I thought the previous name sucked and I was right). If you get tagged (see bottom) you have to fill this out and post it on your blog. Game on!
Four Jobs I've Had in My Life:
Plumber's Apprentice (I also made a mean back of mexi-fries at Taco Bell while cleaning out a floor drain)
Airplane Fueler
Member of touring dance troupe. We toured the world and elsewhere.
Lacrosse Ref
Four Movies I Could Watch Over and Over, and Have:
Where the Red Fern Grows
Raising Arizona
This is Spinal Tap
The Wedding Planner
Four Places I've Lived:
Salt Lake City (Zion)
Provo (Hell)
Vienna, Austria
North Eugene Trailer Park
Four TV Shows I Love to Watch:
Dr. 90210
My Name is Earl
Scrubs
Dirty Jobs
Four Websites I Visit Daily (and more than once daily):
lizonya.blogspot.com
CNN
The Superficial
Kraft Foods
Four Favorite Foods:
Bean Burritos
Tater Tots
Weight Loss Shakes
More Tater Tots
Four Places I Would Like to Visit:
Snowville
Washington D.C.
Cheese Factory
Chocolate Factory
Four places I'd rather be:
At home
In the library
Knott's Berry Farm
Skippers
Four Albums I can't live without:
Psychotic Supper - Tesla
Barry Manilow box set
Cats soundtrack
Anything from Jack Johnson
Four People I am Tagging with this Meme:
I'm issuing a challenge for everyone reading this post to copy and paste what you see here and post it in your blog, editing answers and remarks to fit your own personality and tastes. I urge you, blog readers, to do so now.
Four Jobs I've Had in My Life:
Plumber's Apprentice (I also made a mean back of mexi-fries at Taco Bell while cleaning out a floor drain)
Airplane Fueler
Member of touring dance troupe. We toured the world and elsewhere.
Lacrosse Ref
Four Movies I Could Watch Over and Over, and Have:
Where the Red Fern Grows
Raising Arizona
This is Spinal Tap
The Wedding Planner
Four Places I've Lived:
Salt Lake City (Zion)
Provo (Hell)
Vienna, Austria
North Eugene Trailer Park
Four TV Shows I Love to Watch:
Dr. 90210
My Name is Earl
Scrubs
Dirty Jobs
Four Websites I Visit Daily (and more than once daily):
lizonya.blogspot.com
CNN
The Superficial
Kraft Foods
Four Favorite Foods:
Bean Burritos
Tater Tots
Weight Loss Shakes
More Tater Tots
Four Places I Would Like to Visit:
Snowville
Washington D.C.
Cheese Factory
Chocolate Factory
Four places I'd rather be:
At home
In the library
Knott's Berry Farm
Skippers
Four Albums I can't live without:
Psychotic Supper - Tesla
Barry Manilow box set
Cats soundtrack
Anything from Jack Johnson
Four People I am Tagging with this Meme:
I'm issuing a challenge for everyone reading this post to copy and paste what you see here and post it in your blog, editing answers and remarks to fit your own personality and tastes. I urge you, blog readers, to do so now.
24 February 2006
Maybe it is Time to Reconsider Grey's Anatomy
Everyone seems to love Grey's Anatomy. I guess as far as TV shows go, it isn't that bad, but it isn't great either. While the show does beat almost anything on the WB or UPN with the obvious exception of Beauty and the Geek, the show's writer have alienated their target audience of people who regularly watch Can't Buy Me Love. The easy solution is to hire me to right the wrong and restore balance to the universe. Here are some examples:
The most obvious mistake the writer's have made is trying to convince the world that Ronald Miller somehow gave up lawn mowing, went to medical school, DIDN'T have a long-term, committed relationship with Cindi Mancini, and changed his name to Derek Shepherd. Obviously the writers would prefer that a generation of American's forget that Can't Buy Me Love changed the way nerdy guys were treated in high school. Ronald had a slow, one-man clap turn into a school-wide standing ovation. Come on, writers, why would he give that up for a medical career in Seattle? He wouldn't.
Another mistake is casting Ellen Pompeo as Dr. Grey. Not that she is a bad actress or anything, she just can't speak. Ellen has a problem with her S's. Not quite as bad as Drew Berrymore ("And that's what I call kicking your atheths" - from Charlie's Angels), but still a little annoying. I guess the solution to this problem is more shower scenes and less talking. Funny how that is always the answer. Oh, and her name shouldn't be Meredith. That name sucks.
Finally, this past week's episode was especially disturbing. First of all, when Dr. Yang and Dr. Burke were "dancing" why weren't they doing Ronald's African Anteater Ritual dance? Come on, everyone knows that even if Ronald did change his name and so on, he still would be teaching the dance to people. Remember, Ronald has been the subject of the spontaneous one-man-to-whole-school standing ovation. You don't forget something like that.
If that were the only issue in last week's episode, I would let it slide. Unfortunately, there was one more glaring mistake. Apparently the writers are already running out of ideas because this past week all they did was bring Rocky Dennis back from dead and try to fix his face. Besides, isn't there already a cast member who really has cranial dysplasia? That isn't nice, writers.
The writers need to do a better job of remembering that the people who star on the show are real people. They were nerds in high school. They know awesome dances. They have debilitating illnesses.
The most obvious mistake the writer's have made is trying to convince the world that Ronald Miller somehow gave up lawn mowing, went to medical school, DIDN'T have a long-term, committed relationship with Cindi Mancini, and changed his name to Derek Shepherd. Obviously the writers would prefer that a generation of American's forget that Can't Buy Me Love changed the way nerdy guys were treated in high school. Ronald had a slow, one-man clap turn into a school-wide standing ovation. Come on, writers, why would he give that up for a medical career in Seattle? He wouldn't.
Another mistake is casting Ellen Pompeo as Dr. Grey. Not that she is a bad actress or anything, she just can't speak. Ellen has a problem with her S's. Not quite as bad as Drew Berrymore ("And that's what I call kicking your atheths" - from Charlie's Angels), but still a little annoying. I guess the solution to this problem is more shower scenes and less talking. Funny how that is always the answer. Oh, and her name shouldn't be Meredith. That name sucks.
Finally, this past week's episode was especially disturbing. First of all, when Dr. Yang and Dr. Burke were "dancing" why weren't they doing Ronald's African Anteater Ritual dance? Come on, everyone knows that even if Ronald did change his name and so on, he still would be teaching the dance to people. Remember, Ronald has been the subject of the spontaneous one-man-to-whole-school standing ovation. You don't forget something like that.
If that were the only issue in last week's episode, I would let it slide. Unfortunately, there was one more glaring mistake. Apparently the writers are already running out of ideas because this past week all they did was bring Rocky Dennis back from dead and try to fix his face. Besides, isn't there already a cast member who really has cranial dysplasia? That isn't nice, writers.
The writers need to do a better job of remembering that the people who star on the show are real people. They were nerds in high school. They know awesome dances. They have debilitating illnesses.
10 February 2006
Broken Arm Birthday
First things first. Happy Birthday, Liz! Today the missus is 20-something (I'm not sure if it's cool to say how old she is). I got her some pretty awesome things for her birthday: A couple of CDs I stole from my "friends" who use itunes on the school's wireless network; some skittles; a three-pack of auto detailing towels; some replacement shoulder pads for her favorite blouse; a 15-pound bag of taters; and a fly rod.
Those are some pretty sweet gifts, but I'm afraid even those gifts pale in comparison to the gift she received on Wednesday from the Sacred Heart Medical Center Urgent Care in beautiful downtown Eugene, Oregon. Earlier in the week Lizzy slipped on the kitchen floor and broke her arm. I didn't think there was any way a healthy, young gal like her could break a bone from a little fall, so we waited a day and some change before we went to the doctor. She was able to move her arm and there wasn't much swelling or anything, so I figured it wasn't a big deal. As most of my readers know, I am CPR certified which means I can accurately diagnose and treat almost any ailment. In fact, since I accurately diagnosed Jon Matthews with a concussion in fourth grade, I've had a pretty good track record with these things. My streak ended with this one. So again, sorry honey.
Here are some highlights from our visit to Urgent Care:
Happy Birthday, sweetie!
Those are some pretty sweet gifts, but I'm afraid even those gifts pale in comparison to the gift she received on Wednesday from the Sacred Heart Medical Center Urgent Care in beautiful downtown Eugene, Oregon. Earlier in the week Lizzy slipped on the kitchen floor and broke her arm. I didn't think there was any way a healthy, young gal like her could break a bone from a little fall, so we waited a day and some change before we went to the doctor. She was able to move her arm and there wasn't much swelling or anything, so I figured it wasn't a big deal. As most of my readers know, I am CPR certified which means I can accurately diagnose and treat almost any ailment. In fact, since I accurately diagnosed Jon Matthews with a concussion in fourth grade, I've had a pretty good track record with these things. My streak ended with this one. So again, sorry honey.
Here are some highlights from our visit to Urgent Care:
- When we first arrived we were greeted with the pungent aroma of filthy hippie and aimless drifter. It is a distinct scent, but one every Eugene resident is familiar with.
- I have met some sassy office ladies in my day, but none like the admitting gal at Urgent Care. This gal was a walking anachronism. She had a very modern wireless headset but offset the new technology with her Aqua Net-rich feathered hairdo. At one point I had to give her my social security number. When I walked up to her I felt her look into my soul. I didn't have to say a word because she already knew. I just said it out loud anyway just to keep from freaking out. I can't get those piercing eyes out of my head. I wonder what else she stole from my soul?
- This is Lizzy's doctor
- When Lizzy first told the doctor what happened, he looked at me like I had beaten her. After I told him to mind his own business or he would "fall on the kitchen floor" too, he was a lot nicer.
- After x-rays the doctor explained that Lizzy has a "kinda broken arm." This is apparently a very technical medical term and we weren't given any further explanation. Lots of ins and outs and what-have-yous.
- Two nurses, Betsy and Ruth, helped put a cast on Lizzy. It took them a few tries to figure out how to do it. Once they had it figured it out, they moved quickly. They also gave us an extra ace bandage. I think that was because of my charming wit and striking features.
- When we got back to the car Lizzy was literally beaming with excitement. Her entire life she has wanted a broken arm. Now she has one. That lasted about four hours. The cast is heavy and itchy. She is pretty miserable. Talk about going from one extreme to the other. At least now she has some narcotics.
Happy Birthday, sweetie!
27 January 2006
Missed Opportunities
When I was three years-old my grandma asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I told her I wanted to be a black baseball player. If the opportunity presented itself, I think I would still like to pursue that career option, but I think the window might have closed on that dream.
When I was in high school I was pretty sure that I wanted to be a pilot. One problem, I'm blind. Not legally blind, but trust me, you wouldn't want me flying anything.
I think being a lawyer will be fun, so I'm happy with where I ended up. But sometimes I wonder if I have missed a better opportunity. What if kicking dogs and evicting old ladies isn't what I was born to do? I mean, I feel like it is, but second guessing is second nature for me. What if I made a mistake?
I think I would be a pretty awesome battle rapper. First, I look pretty tough in a hooded sweatshirt and I like new tennis shoes (I call shoes walkawear). I'm not a very good dancer, despite having some formal dance training, but I am pretty good at bobbing up and down to music. Sometimes I can shimmy too. I think that is all I would need to be a battle rapper. The only thing I might need is a rhyming dictionary, but I can handle that. Maybe I shouldn't close the door on this one. Maybe I should just watch 8 Mile less and do some more homework?
The other thing I think I would be good at is hosting QVC or HSN (the jokers on Shop NBC aren't even worth the time it would take to send a resume). The missus and I got cable a few months a
go and since then I have been hooked on QVC. I watch it a lot and the more I watch the more I think I would be a pretty good host. I have studied the other hosts, I even have some favorites (click on Bob Bowerbox, he's my favorite), and I think I could do a good job. For example, this is how I would sell sheets: "Folks, when you buy sheets from QVC you're buying luxury. Treat yourself to oppulence. Look, we live in a world where certainty is hard to find. There are world conflicts, there is hunger, there is poverty, the world can be very ugly. It is time to treat yourself to certainty. Treat yourself to beauty. Treat yourself to these 1200 thread count sheets. I have had these sheets on my bed for three years and I can tell you, I have certainly noticed a difference. I sleep better, I feel refreshed in the morning, and my wife has conceived eight times. You're not buying sheets, you're buying a lifestyle. Make the call now. For the first time we have these sheets offered with the Equalpay option. For $129.99 plus shipping you are investing in happiness, satisfaction, luxury, and maybe, just maybe doing your part to make this world a better place."
See. I would be pretty good. You should see me sell pots and pans.
I'm sure I'll never do anything about either one of these dreams. But it is good to know that if my passion for the law ends up biting me in the behind, I have other dreams to pursue.
When I was in high school I was pretty sure that I wanted to be a pilot. One problem, I'm blind. Not legally blind, but trust me, you wouldn't want me flying anything.
I think being a lawyer will be fun, so I'm happy with where I ended up. But sometimes I wonder if I have missed a better opportunity. What if kicking dogs and evicting old ladies isn't what I was born to do? I mean, I feel like it is, but second guessing is second nature for me. What if I made a mistake?
I think I would be a pretty awesome battle rapper. First, I look pretty tough in a hooded sweatshirt and I like new tennis shoes (I call shoes walkawear). I'm not a very good dancer, despite having some formal dance training, but I am pretty good at bobbing up and down to music. Sometimes I can shimmy too. I think that is all I would need to be a battle rapper. The only thing I might need is a rhyming dictionary, but I can handle that. Maybe I shouldn't close the door on this one. Maybe I should just watch 8 Mile less and do some more homework?
The other thing I think I would be good at is hosting QVC or HSN (the jokers on Shop NBC aren't even worth the time it would take to send a resume). The missus and I got cable a few months a
go and since then I have been hooked on QVC. I watch it a lot and the more I watch the more I think I would be a pretty good host. I have studied the other hosts, I even have some favorites (click on Bob Bowerbox, he's my favorite), and I think I could do a good job. For example, this is how I would sell sheets: "Folks, when you buy sheets from QVC you're buying luxury. Treat yourself to oppulence. Look, we live in a world where certainty is hard to find. There are world conflicts, there is hunger, there is poverty, the world can be very ugly. It is time to treat yourself to certainty. Treat yourself to beauty. Treat yourself to these 1200 thread count sheets. I have had these sheets on my bed for three years and I can tell you, I have certainly noticed a difference. I sleep better, I feel refreshed in the morning, and my wife has conceived eight times. You're not buying sheets, you're buying a lifestyle. Make the call now. For the first time we have these sheets offered with the Equalpay option. For $129.99 plus shipping you are investing in happiness, satisfaction, luxury, and maybe, just maybe doing your part to make this world a better place."See. I would be pretty good. You should see me sell pots and pans.
I'm sure I'll never do anything about either one of these dreams. But it is good to know that if my passion for the law ends up biting me in the behind, I have other dreams to pursue.
13 January 2006
Songs I Love
Sometimes I worry that my blog will take an exclusively negative tone. Since I think people who always find the crap in everyday life and ignore the good things are missing the point of life, I've decided to write a blog that is postive.
To that end, I have decided to list some songs that I love. These songs hold a special place in my heart. Maybe if you remember the songs and understand why they are so important to me, you'll have a better day.
1. My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion
I love this song for a few reasons. First, it reminds me of my favorite movie of all time, Titanic. Second, it is the song that played in the background when I proposed to my wife. Finally, it was the song we (my wife and I) chose to play on a constant loop at the reception after our wedding. Oh, and we also had it on repeat in our car for the first six weeks of our marriage.
2. Safety Dance by Men Without Hats
Sss-Aaa-Fff-Eee-Ttt-Yyy. I live by three rules: 1) Love like you have never been hurt. 2) Live like there is no tomorrow. 3) Dance like no one is watching. I don't need to remind you about the importance of dancing, I'll let Ren from "Footloose" do that. We can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind. Ivan Doroschuk's words have become my words. I have always enjoyed this song, but one event in my life gives it special meaning; a date with a really cool girl. I thought we had a great time (by the way, it was a blind date) and I was really looking forward to going out with her again. When I took her to her house at the end of the date, I was sure I had a repeat customer. Oh man, was I wrong. I pride myself on enjoying awkward moments, but this one was bad. When I asked her if she would like to go out again she said that she didn't date bald guys. I know! Ouch! I didn't know what to say. There was silence for probably close to a minute. Then all of the sudden I knew what I was supposed to do. I was supposed to dance. Right on her porch. There wasn't any music or anything, just me and my feelings. I'd like to think I put that one right back in her eye.
3. Women by Def Leppard
This is a good song because not only is it catchy, but it also explains the story the Creation way better than the Bible. Women, women, lots of willing women. This song isn't all that inspiring, but it does help me understand life.
4. Something to Believe In by Poison
This an excellent song about social injustice, faith, and the desire to improve the condition of the common man. Brett Michaels could probably single-handedly save the human race if he were called upon to do so. Combine his uncanny ability to succinctly explain complicated issues (not to mention excellent piano skills) with C.C. DeVille's catchy riffs and you have a song that will stand the test of time. I should also confess that I had a hand in writing that song. Brett, C.C., Rikki, and Bobby were in the studio and knew they were close to a hit with this song, but something was missing. I suggested they bring in a Baptist choir and add the "You take the high road/I'll take the low road" to the end of the song. I'd like to think that I had a hand in making that song a true monster ballad. You're welcome.
5. Don't Know Much by Aaron Neville & Linda Ronstadt
Aaron Neville has a huge mole on his face but he still starts the song out by asking his lover (us) to look at his face. He knows the years are showing. The couple singing the song is obviously in love and nothing else is as important as that one fact. This song is important to me because it reaffirms my belief that love does, in fact, conquer all. Also, this was the song that got me out of a huge funk at a time when I thought I had lost all hope. I won't go into too much, I'll just say that I missed some free throws that cost my Junior Jazz team a very important game in the 9 year old division. Thanks, Aaron and Linda. You don't know how much you mean to me and my teammates.
I think that is enough for now. I hope these songs will inspire you like they have inspired me. Music truly is powerful.
To that end, I have decided to list some songs that I love. These songs hold a special place in my heart. Maybe if you remember the songs and understand why they are so important to me, you'll have a better day.
1. My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion
I love this song for a few reasons. First, it reminds me of my favorite movie of all time, Titanic. Second, it is the song that played in the background when I proposed to my wife. Finally, it was the song we (my wife and I) chose to play on a constant loop at the reception after our wedding. Oh, and we also had it on repeat in our car for the first six weeks of our marriage.
2. Safety Dance by Men Without Hats
Sss-Aaa-Fff-Eee-Ttt-Yyy. I live by three rules: 1) Love like you have never been hurt. 2) Live like there is no tomorrow. 3) Dance like no one is watching. I don't need to remind you about the importance of dancing, I'll let Ren from "Footloose" do that. We can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind. Ivan Doroschuk's words have become my words. I have always enjoyed this song, but one event in my life gives it special meaning; a date with a really cool girl. I thought we had a great time (by the way, it was a blind date) and I was really looking forward to going out with her again. When I took her to her house at the end of the date, I was sure I had a repeat customer. Oh man, was I wrong. I pride myself on enjoying awkward moments, but this one was bad. When I asked her if she would like to go out again she said that she didn't date bald guys. I know! Ouch! I didn't know what to say. There was silence for probably close to a minute. Then all of the sudden I knew what I was supposed to do. I was supposed to dance. Right on her porch. There wasn't any music or anything, just me and my feelings. I'd like to think I put that one right back in her eye.
3. Women by Def Leppard
This is a good song because not only is it catchy, but it also explains the story the Creation way better than the Bible. Women, women, lots of willing women. This song isn't all that inspiring, but it does help me understand life.
4. Something to Believe In by Poison
This an excellent song about social injustice, faith, and the desire to improve the condition of the common man. Brett Michaels could probably single-handedly save the human race if he were called upon to do so. Combine his uncanny ability to succinctly explain complicated issues (not to mention excellent piano skills) with C.C. DeVille's catchy riffs and you have a song that will stand the test of time. I should also confess that I had a hand in writing that song. Brett, C.C., Rikki, and Bobby were in the studio and knew they were close to a hit with this song, but something was missing. I suggested they bring in a Baptist choir and add the "You take the high road/I'll take the low road" to the end of the song. I'd like to think that I had a hand in making that song a true monster ballad. You're welcome.
5. Don't Know Much by Aaron Neville & Linda Ronstadt
Aaron Neville has a huge mole on his face but he still starts the song out by asking his lover (us) to look at his face. He knows the years are showing. The couple singing the song is obviously in love and nothing else is as important as that one fact. This song is important to me because it reaffirms my belief that love does, in fact, conquer all. Also, this was the song that got me out of a huge funk at a time when I thought I had lost all hope. I won't go into too much, I'll just say that I missed some free throws that cost my Junior Jazz team a very important game in the 9 year old division. Thanks, Aaron and Linda. You don't know how much you mean to me and my teammates.
I think that is enough for now. I hope these songs will inspire you like they have inspired me. Music truly is powerful.
06 January 2006
Baby Names
A few years ago my friend and I thought it would be a good idea to write a book about baby names. Not so much a list of baby names, more of a list of things to consider when naming a baby. I think writing a book like that is a good idea because I'm pretty sure women have babies (still trying to figure out some of the finer points) and women also love buying crap. The book could be a big seller. Also, one of the reasons I decided to go to law school was because I'm not very good at thinking of my own ideas but I am pretty good at showing other people why their ideas are stupid. So writing a book about what not to do just makes sense.
Since there is a chance we will still write the book (in the same sense that there is still a chance that I'm not fat), I'm not going to tell you everything here so you'll feel compelled to buy the book when it is published.
Here are a few of the subjects we will cover along with some thoughts on each.
Chapter 1: Your baby wasn't born a senior citizen and he or she won't be a toddler forever
Generally there are three issues with this rule. There are names that only work for kids; there are names that only work for adults (say like 35-60); and then there are names that only work for old folks.
A name that only works for a kid is Kayden. If you ever go to a professional for help (doctor, lawyer, accountant, basically anything but a sandwich artist at Subway) and the guy's name is Kayden, go somewhere else.
Brenda is a good name that won't work with kids and won't work for a senior. Brenda is a good name for a receptionist and that is about it. I have never met anyone named Brenda, so I can only hope that people have realized the problem with that name. You can see the problem with that name from 90210. They had to keep calling Brenda, Bren (or something like that).
A good example of a name reserved for seniors in Milton. Don't name your baby Milton.
Your baby will appreciate a name that can develop with them and change to their different circumstances.
Chapter 2: Avoid names that limit career options
Let the baby decide what it wants to do with its life. If you name your baby Gage he will probably end up doing construction. There isn't anything wrong with doing construction, but maybe Gage didn't want to do that and you forced it on him.
Chapter 3: You don't decide nicknames so avoid names that sound like body parts
Parents have little control over what their friends and peers call them. For example, my friend's parents wanted their kid to be called Kristopher but everyone calls him Kris. They tried to get people to call him Kristopher (it worked on me), but for the most part everyone calls him Kris.
The only control parents have for a nickname is limiting the realm of possibilities for the nicknames. If you name a kid Amos or Enis your kids will hate you and they should.
Chapter 4: Famous people and their characters
You may truly love someone famous. You may even have the restraining order to prove it. You are a parent now; you have to grow up a little bit. Don't name a baby Calista or Phoebe even if you think they are really cool names and even if you thought they were really cool names before Ally McBeal or Friends was on TV. Some names are just off limits even if you love them.
Remember that celebrities are to be mocked, not admired.
Chapter 5: Places
I have been to Cheyenne and to the Dakotas. They have one thing in common: they both suck. I don't care if names of people became names of places and you are naming the baby after the person. See the penultimate sentence of the Chapter 4 comment.
A noun is a person, place or thing. If you name your kid after a place you end up causing serious categories confusion. When you introduce Cheyenne to a group of people in Laramie they could be really confused. You see the problem.
Chapter 6: Alternate spellings
There are no points for creativity. Just spell the name like everyone else does. You shouldn't be naming the baby a name that has a bunch of accepted spellings anyway (remember Kayden?). If you don't know how to spell the name you choose, choose a different one. Even if you make a conscious decision to spell the baby's name in some crazy way, everyone will just assume you are illiterate.
Chapter 7: Literary characters
No one cares that when you were 12th grade J.D. Salinger changed the way you look at life. Don't name your kid Holden. Everyone is glad that you read, it is a skill that is vital to one's success. But your kid might think Salinger was a hack. He will forever be associated with him and hate you for it. That goes for all authors, especially Jane Austen.
Chapter 8: Consider your last name
One important thing to remember is that rhyming first and last names is a bad idea. For example, I would never name a child Fran. This might only be an issue for those of you with one syllable last names, but everyone needs to be aware of it.
It is equally important to make sure the first name/last name combo doesn't sounds like something. An example with my name would be the name Anita. It just doesn't work.
Chapter 9: Using the same letter for every kid
David St. Hubbins said it best. "It's such a fine line between stupid and clever." There was a family in our neighborhood that had seven kids and each kid's name started with K. I don't know if they were ostracized because of their names or because they all had perms (even the boys). It was probably a combination of both. But neither one did them any favors.
One of the big problems with this is that inevitably you will have to break the rule in Chapter 6 to think of a name for one of the kids.
Chapter 10: Naming your child after a quality or an attribute only means they won't have that quality or attribute
How many wholesome girls do you know named Chastity? You don't know any. Trust me on this one. Likewise, Hope will always despair; Faith won't believe a word you say; Charity will have problems with sharing. The list goes on.
If you want your daughter to grow up to be a hooker, name her Chastity. Otherwise, find something else. Maybe you could try the opposite quality or attribute and see if the rule works. Maybe name your son Cocky or something that like. That would be funny.
Well, I hope these chapters give you an idea of where we're going with the book. There are many, many more chapters that I am not including.
Naming a child shouldn't be taken lightly. If you aren't sure about a name for baby, save it for a pet.
I would be more than happy to tell you why the names you are considering are bad ideas.
Since there is a chance we will still write the book (in the same sense that there is still a chance that I'm not fat), I'm not going to tell you everything here so you'll feel compelled to buy the book when it is published.
Here are a few of the subjects we will cover along with some thoughts on each.
Chapter 1: Your baby wasn't born a senior citizen and he or she won't be a toddler forever
Generally there are three issues with this rule. There are names that only work for kids; there are names that only work for adults (say like 35-60); and then there are names that only work for old folks.
A name that only works for a kid is Kayden. If you ever go to a professional for help (doctor, lawyer, accountant, basically anything but a sandwich artist at Subway) and the guy's name is Kayden, go somewhere else.
Brenda is a good name that won't work with kids and won't work for a senior. Brenda is a good name for a receptionist and that is about it. I have never met anyone named Brenda, so I can only hope that people have realized the problem with that name. You can see the problem with that name from 90210. They had to keep calling Brenda, Bren (or something like that).
A good example of a name reserved for seniors in Milton. Don't name your baby Milton.
Your baby will appreciate a name that can develop with them and change to their different circumstances.
Chapter 2: Avoid names that limit career options
Let the baby decide what it wants to do with its life. If you name your baby Gage he will probably end up doing construction. There isn't anything wrong with doing construction, but maybe Gage didn't want to do that and you forced it on him.
Chapter 3: You don't decide nicknames so avoid names that sound like body parts
Parents have little control over what their friends and peers call them. For example, my friend's parents wanted their kid to be called Kristopher but everyone calls him Kris. They tried to get people to call him Kristopher (it worked on me), but for the most part everyone calls him Kris.
The only control parents have for a nickname is limiting the realm of possibilities for the nicknames. If you name a kid Amos or Enis your kids will hate you and they should.
Chapter 4: Famous people and their characters
You may truly love someone famous. You may even have the restraining order to prove it. You are a parent now; you have to grow up a little bit. Don't name a baby Calista or Phoebe even if you think they are really cool names and even if you thought they were really cool names before Ally McBeal or Friends was on TV. Some names are just off limits even if you love them.
Remember that celebrities are to be mocked, not admired.
Chapter 5: Places
I have been to Cheyenne and to the Dakotas. They have one thing in common: they both suck. I don't care if names of people became names of places and you are naming the baby after the person. See the penultimate sentence of the Chapter 4 comment.
A noun is a person, place or thing. If you name your kid after a place you end up causing serious categories confusion. When you introduce Cheyenne to a group of people in Laramie they could be really confused. You see the problem.
Chapter 6: Alternate spellings
There are no points for creativity. Just spell the name like everyone else does. You shouldn't be naming the baby a name that has a bunch of accepted spellings anyway (remember Kayden?). If you don't know how to spell the name you choose, choose a different one. Even if you make a conscious decision to spell the baby's name in some crazy way, everyone will just assume you are illiterate.
Chapter 7: Literary characters
No one cares that when you were 12th grade J.D. Salinger changed the way you look at life. Don't name your kid Holden. Everyone is glad that you read, it is a skill that is vital to one's success. But your kid might think Salinger was a hack. He will forever be associated with him and hate you for it. That goes for all authors, especially Jane Austen.
Chapter 8: Consider your last name
One important thing to remember is that rhyming first and last names is a bad idea. For example, I would never name a child Fran. This might only be an issue for those of you with one syllable last names, but everyone needs to be aware of it.
It is equally important to make sure the first name/last name combo doesn't sounds like something. An example with my name would be the name Anita. It just doesn't work.
Chapter 9: Using the same letter for every kid
David St. Hubbins said it best. "It's such a fine line between stupid and clever." There was a family in our neighborhood that had seven kids and each kid's name started with K. I don't know if they were ostracized because of their names or because they all had perms (even the boys). It was probably a combination of both. But neither one did them any favors.
One of the big problems with this is that inevitably you will have to break the rule in Chapter 6 to think of a name for one of the kids.
Chapter 10: Naming your child after a quality or an attribute only means they won't have that quality or attribute
How many wholesome girls do you know named Chastity? You don't know any. Trust me on this one. Likewise, Hope will always despair; Faith won't believe a word you say; Charity will have problems with sharing. The list goes on.
If you want your daughter to grow up to be a hooker, name her Chastity. Otherwise, find something else. Maybe you could try the opposite quality or attribute and see if the rule works. Maybe name your son Cocky or something that like. That would be funny.
Well, I hope these chapters give you an idea of where we're going with the book. There are many, many more chapters that I am not including.
Naming a child shouldn't be taken lightly. If you aren't sure about a name for baby, save it for a pet.
I would be more than happy to tell you why the names you are considering are bad ideas.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
