03 January 2009

Utah 31, Alabama 17

My brother drove 27 hours in an RV to New Orleans to watch the Utes destroy Alabama. He is a dedicated fan. I am showing my dedication by staying up way past my bedtime (it is currently 12:17a.m.) to do a quick post on my blog that I never update and no one ever reads.

Congratulations to the Utes! The Utes played well and showed that they deserve all the accolades and praise they are receiving.

As great as the victory was, my favorite part of the game was Nick Saban's reaction once the Utes scored their first touchdown and he suddenly realized he was screwed. It reminded me of why I identify with Cartman from South Park.

I don't have a problem picking on Saban. He will take solace in his $4 million per year salary and his dang sweet blow dryer.

03 October 2008

Why Do I Feel Like I Need Some Quaker Oats and Diabetes Supplies?

Thursday was a big night for TV watching at my house. The Utes played a horrible game, but had a great final two minutes. The Cubs lost another heart-breaker to the Dodgers. My Name is Earl had a episode featuring my favorite character from the show. And to top it all off, the most important debate ever in the history of the world was broadcast to an eager country desperate for leadership and a reassuring voice.

I enjoyed the debate, but really the thoughts that kept coming to my mind as I tried to digest what each candidate said were Quaker Oats and diabetes supplies.

I don't know if it is the insane amount of coaching or if it is really just her style, but Sarah Palin has that certain combination of down-home style combined with "straight talk" that only one other person in this world possesses.

Compare the following videos:



with (just the first minute)

Both Wilford Brimley and Sarah Palin have mastered the sublime skill of delivering folksy wisdom with a no nonsense, practical approach. People have questioned whether Sarah Palin was the right person for John McCain to choose as his running mate. I don't know the answer to that one, but if Sarah Palin can sell America on the Republican platform as well as Mr. Brimley has sold oats and insulin, the Republicans could be hard to beat.

12 July 2008

Can You Hear Me Now?

Convenience. Let's talk about it. Technological advances have done nothing if not increase convenience. This is most readily seen in advances with cell phone technology. I remember well folks carrying around these old timers:

Of course I'm talking about the phone, not the dude. Just to clarify, old dudes are still cool and on the forefront of modern technology. Back to phones. In the past few years cell phone technology advanced extremely fast. Smaller phones. Snake, Snake II, Breakout. MP3 technology. But for all the hype about how convenient cell phones are, in my opinion they have been rather inconvenient.

See, despite all the advances in cell phone technology, the fundamental problem remains: moving the phone from your pocket (or perhaps your cell phone clip) to your ear.
Luckily all that changed with bluetooth technology. Bluetooth solves the problem of having to move the phone all the way to your ear to use your cell phone. In all honesty, I have never used bluetooth because I don't have the education or the sufficient number of ill-fitting polo shirts, although I do have a few.

Gentlemen (and I suppose ladies) who own bluetooth headsets for cell phones love convenience more than the average person. A bluetooth headset says a lot about a person. First, they likely spend a lot of time commuting. In Utah I'm pretty sure the majority of bluetooth users live in Bluffdale and Herriman, but they could venture as far east as Sandy or as far north as Fruit Heights. They truly believe listing to talk radio will help Hannitize this November's election. They probably do not regularly use iPods (since their ear(s) are already in use). Unless of course an iPhone works with bluetooth. Holy crap, I think I just blew my mind. An iPhone and TWO bluetooth headsets? That would be redonkulous. I also imagine the typical bluetooth user loves Carl's Jr. and comically large fountain drinks (both very convenient). In reality a bluetooth headset quickly becomes less of an accessory and more of an extension of one's ear. Science is the best!

Bluetooth is just the latest in a long line of convenience-enhancing devices for these folks. Let me highlight just one of the most essential advances in convenience from the last ten years or so.

Shoes without laces. Although velcro was the first, these babies are essentially a quantum leap (here or here, you choose) in laceless footwear: Suede slip-ons are casual enough for hangin' at the beach and classy enough to wear with a suit. They work with socks and work even better without socks. Really, they are just an extension of one's feet. Sort of like how a tattoo becomes a part of you. Gone are the days of bending over to put on a shoe. People with slip-ons laugh in the face of suckers who have to tie their shoes at least once per day. And let's not forget about safety. Chances of someone wearing traditional shoes tripping on an untied lace: 1 in 1,000. Chances of someone wearing slip-ons tripping on an untied lace: zero! Also, that reduction in bending saves your back. But I should point out that most dudes with suede slip-ons also own, and routinely wear, superbelts, so back strain, especially in the lumbar region, isn't too much of a concern anyway. Superbelts may not be super convenient, but they are super awesome.

For the convenience loving population there really is nothing better than bluetooth headsets. No wasted arm movement. No need to take the hands off of 10 and 2. No need to stop talking on the phone while eating a Six Dollar Burger. And don't even get me started on the back-wrenching ordeal those of you who don't use bluetooth endure every time you reach into your pocket to grab your phone.

If you made it to the end of this monster, here is Larry David's take on bluetooth dudes.

25 July 2007

Will You Stay and Rock My World?

I bet you thought you'd heard the last of me. Well, loyal reader, you were dead wrong. I'm back!

FYI, I finished taking the bar exam today (see you in February, bar examiners). I'm glad to have that out of the way, but, as of today at 4:30 I am no longer a law school graduate studying for the bar exam, I am just an unemployed law school graduate. Sort of sucks.

Needless to say, today was a little bitter sweet. I was looking for something awesome to brighten my day, but I wasn't too hopeful. Lizzy did great on the crockpot lasagna, but stupid tenants at the apartments (save that one for another blog) kept bugging me so I couldn't enjoy my dinner.

And then it happened. Like he has done so many times in the past, Bret Michaels comes along to light a candle to illuminate the darkness that surrounds me.

Bret is the star of a new reality show on VH1 called Rock of Love. You already know the premise of the show, a guy is put into a big house with a bunch of girls who are tying to woo him and become, in this case, a rock star's (or is that a former rock star's) girlfriend. In many ways it is like every other show: tons of editing to make something watchable out of pure crap, obvious coaching by producers, and completely ridiculous "dates." But this shows adds a certain something extra. It took me a long time to figure out exactly what makes this show the best ever, but after literally several seconds of thinking it finally made sense.

First, I'm a HUGE Poison fan. I had the privilege of going to their 1999 show at Rocky Mountain Speedway. It was Poison's first tour in years and they were touring with L.A. Guns, Warrant, and RATT. (Sidenote: That was the first and only time that a sweaty, shirtless, drunken Native American tried grinding me). It was a great show.

Second, my wife married me basically because Poison is the ultimate aphrodisiac. Add Poison and a classy Bronco (yes, that's me) and you've got a deadly combination that a girl from West Jordan can't resist.

Third, I basically wrote the end of Something to Believe In "You take the high road, I'll take the low road." If you ask me, that made the song a hit.

Fourth, the only thing better than a stripper twenty years past her prime is a dozen strippers twenty years past their prime. Since the missus is sitting next to me, I won't run a Google search for strippers. Anyway, they are some classy chicks.

Fifth, and finally, Bret's phrase for the rose ceremony (in this case, a backstage pass) is, "Will you stay and rock my world?"

I don't know about Rodeo, Chastity, Faith, Dusty, Roxxy, or the other girls, but I will, Bret. I will.

14 March 2007

iPod Changed My Life

There are very few positive aspects of being a law student. The following comment from Tyler Durden seems appropriate: "If the applicant waits at the door for three days without food, shelter or encouragement, then he can enter and begin training." For the record, Project Mayhem is way more interesting than law school. Given the choice between the two, you should choose the former.

Despite the difficulties presented by law school, there are some perquisites that are pretty nice. One of the best one is free access to online databases that contain tons of interesting information like mortgage records, arrest records, and average income in your ZIP code. If you are creative enough to come up with the right search terms, you can find pretty much anything you want. There are two major companies who operate the databases and for the most part they are almost identical in terms of material available. The database proprietors stand to make a lot of money by getting law students hooked on their particular service, so they give us free access to a lot of their content. Not only that, but they give us reward points for answering questions that demonstrate your understanding of their services. Moreover, a few times each semester the respective companies send sales reps who provide free lunch and even more reward points just for attending training sessions.

I have attended every training session since my first year of school (often choosing to go to training sessions instead of less practical meetings about job hunts and networking). Needless to say, I have had a lot of free meals and earned a lot of rewards points.

In December I cashed in some of my points and "bought" the family an iPod. Although we haven't used it as much as I thought we would, it is slowing becoming a necessity for any trip outside of the house. I take it with me when I check the mail, and it saved my life on a flight from Portland to Las Vegas.

The best place I have found to use the iPod is the grocery store. We shop at WinCo, the greatest store in world. Actually, it is a pretty bare-boned store. The kind of place where you bag your own groceries, try to stay out of the way of the employees, and make sure you sanitize your hands when you leave.

The first time I took the iPod, I was a little nervous. I didn't want to look like a wiener. Most of the folks to the WinCo are somewhere south of affluent, so walking around with an iPod can look a little out of place. I quickly got over my initial fears and now I only go grocery shopping if I have the iPod with me.

I keep the iPod on shuffle so that I can listen to a bunch of different songs. On Saturday my setlist was especailly appropriate for a trip to the store.

First song, Harvester of Sorrow by Metallica.

When you walk into WinCo you walk through a chute that spits you out at the produce section. If you're not pumped up when you get to the end of the chute there is a good chance that you will be trampled by these guys getting great deals on bananas.

Second song, 1979 by The Smashing Pumpkins.

It is a good song.

Next up, A New Hope by blink 182.

I don't really like blink 182. They are on the iPod to make the missus happy. But I listened to the song at the store and it was fun. I don't think this the actual video, but since my loyal reader is also a Star Wars fan, re will love it.

There were a bunch of other songs in here, but I don't really remember what they were. Probably some Poison and Tesla. I was busy pricing meat.

I closed the set with A Plea from a Cat Named Virtue by The Weakerthans.

If you don't like this band, you suck. Best band to come out of Canada with the exception of The Guess Who, Alanis Morresette, and Rush.
It was a good song to wind down and get ready to bag my groceries.

I put the iPod away before I get to the checkstand because I'm an excellent bull sh*tter and I like to chat up the checker.

Lots of people use iPods when the exercise. Those people are idiots. If you haven't used yours at the grocery store, you need to start. I would say I'd be interested in hearing your experiences with songs, but I would be lying.

23 January 2007


Everyone who has seen Nathan Jr. and me together says that we look a like. The only similarity I see is that we are both generally bored out of our minds.




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So, like most Tuesday afternoons, I was spending some time looking at the websites for some of my favorite LDS performers and stumbled upon this gem:

As you know, Orin Hatch is the reason I decided to become a lawyer and Barry Manilow is the reason my wife and I are married. This picture for me is like a picture of Cindy Crawford and Michael Jordan together to a 14 year old boy in 1992: it explains my entire existence.

Links to some of my other favorites:
www.jannicekappperry.com, www.kurtbestor.com, www.jonschmidt.com

17 December 2006

A Disgusting Display

Occasionally, news from the NBA makes it into network news broadcasts. It used to be that the story was about the celebration of an NBA season finally ending (some people say it is because of the championship, but I know it is a celebration of not having to watch any more basketball games for a few months). In recent years the biggest stories from the NBA have been about the off-court antics of the league's biggest stars. It is disheartening to know that young men who have such promise are willing to risk everything on stupid mistakes.

Besides all of the off-court crap, in the past few years NBA stars have started bringing their reckless behavior onto the court and into the crowds with fist fights.

The most recent episode was last week during the New York Knicks versus Denver Nuggets game. The details of the fight aren't really important; it is sufficient to know that a hard foul at the end of the game turned into a bench-clearing brawl between the two teams. Here is a video of it:

The NBA currently has a reputation problem and when players fight it only exacerbates that problem. This morning, David Stern, the NBA's commissioner, announced fines and suspensions for players that were involved in the latest fight. In a press release Mr. Stern said, "The NBA and its players represent a game of extraordinary skill, athleticism and grace, and, for good or bad, set an example for the entire basketball world, on and off the court, [when our player are seen fighting like girls, it reflects poorly not only on the NBA but on all basketball players and fan throughout the world. Until these guys can learn to fight like men, we will continue to fine and suspend players. I have seen better fights between pre-school girls. I don't really want to get into the complete lack of technique exhibited by our players, but I think Carmelo had his thumb tucked into his fist when he threw that punch. Then, he turns and runs like a baby. Unbelievable.]"

The NBA tries really hard to appeal to inner-city youth. There really isn't much natural appeal for kids who lead fairly rough lives to be interested in a game played by privileged, millionaire whiners. To relate to the kids, the NBA encourages its athletes to lead a "thug life." So the players go to strip clubs, release crappy rap albums, and star in movies. Then a few players lose it on the court, get in a fight, punch like girls, run away from each other, and set the League's "street cred" back a few years (not to mention a few million dollars in merchandise).

During their suspensions, players are sent to fight training schools to practice throwing punches and learn that even if you are going to lose a fight, it is better to stand there and get your butt kicked than it is to run away. Unfortunately, it isn't working. This latest fight taught us that the players have not learned the lessons they were supposed to learn after the Pisons versus Pacers fight two years ago.

Some argue that the disgusting display isn't that the players can't fight, but that they lose control to the point that they resort to fighting. That is a misguided assumption. There is plenty of fighting in other professional sports and it is totally acceptable. So the problem can't be that the fights are happening in the NBA, but that when the fights do happen, the players embarrass themselves with their limp-wristed fighting style.

In real sports, the players know how to fight and fighting is just part of the game. Sure there are suspensions, fines, and penalties, but those are only enforced to appease casual viewers who don't know how integral fighting is to those sports. In fact, in baseball, players who are suspended for charging the mound or beaning batters serve their "suspension" in the Bahamas.

Basketball sucks for a lot of reasons. In fact, there are too many reasons to list in this blog. Although parts of it will always suck (the length of the season, boring games, chest-bumping), the NBA could do themselves a huge favor by teaching the players how to fight like grown men. That's all.

Here are some videos of real athletes in real fights.

Oh, and here is a VMI cheerleader teaching a Citadel cadet a lesson.