Up until thirty seconds ago, I was trying to convincingly express my interest in working for the railroad. I'm sure it is a great job, but I'm not doing a very good job of lying about being excited about the railroad. Besides an excuse to wear overalls on a regular basis, I just don't see the appeal. So, it is time to re-focus my creative energy on something else. It is time for Panhandling 101 (or 1010 for you U of U students).
I have spent a lot of time watching hobos. I have seen some of the best in the world work. A panhandler who knows what he is doing is a beautiful thing. Those dudes can start with nothing at 8:00 am and be totally drunk by 9:15 am. Now, I fully understand that panhandlers aren't much for "book learnin'", so I have developed a simple five step program that is easy for the most ignorant hobo to learn and guaranteed to produce results. It is all about PALMS.
1. Position
No one likes tall people. If your tall, you know what I'm talking about. Sure, people are nice to your face, but you really don't have any friends. All those shorter people are thinking of ways to take out your knees when you aren't looking. The lesson for you hobos: get as close to the ground as you can. If you're going to stand, slouch. If you are truly committed to a life of begging, sit down. If you want to be world class, sit down, stare at the ground about 18 inches in front of you, and put your hand directly on the ground. The greatest hobo I ever had the privilege to watch was Klaus in Klagenfurt, Austria. This guy would sit down, put his hand on the ground (no matter how cold it was), and stare at the ground. He made tons of money. He earned enough to buy booze for him and six buddies in a little more than an hour. He was a maestro.
2. Attitude
Humility goes a long way. Too many of you make the mistake of trying to justify your life choices. In most cases, people are hobos because they are either crazy or lazy. Since crazy people eventually end up with some sort of government help, most of the you are just plan lazy. Aggressiveness won't get you very far. You need to act like you really need help. Think about how much you want that meth/booze/crack. It will make you sad. Use that as the motivation. Some of you mistakenly think creating a sense of urgency in your clients is a good plan. It is not. Remember, you are going for pity. Look sullen. Say thank you.
3. Location, location, location
I see this in Eugene all the time. People set up on busy street corners and end up standing there all day. You really need to get to the foot traffic. You see, when people are in cars, they are protected by their windows. Sure, they can look out, but there is enough buffer to ignore you. Now remember, you are supposed to be standing/sitting and pouring out humility. It is just too hard to get people in cars to notice. Instead, find a place with lots of pedestrians. Sidewalk corners might work. You need to make sure you aren't holding up traffic too much. Try bus stations, libraries, open spaces by office buildings, and tourist attractions.
4. Method
Remember the story of the tortoise and the hare? Of course you don't. You can't read. The moral of the story is that slow and steady wins the race. It is true for almost anything. Find your spot and sit there. You will make more by being noticeable but not obnoxious than you will running around and pestering people. You may say this is counterintuitive. I will remind you that you are a hobo and your intuition so far has been wrong. Trust me.
5. Signs
You probably shouldn't use signs. They actually detract from the message. If you follow the other steps, you are saying more than any sign will say. Everyone knows you are there to feed your addiction. You are not interested in getting to your kids. You don't need gas money (unless you're a huffer). You're not looking for work. Remember, you will be most effective by sitting and putting your hand on the ground. Having said that, if you really want a sign, keep it simple. It should be small and to the point. Try something like, "Need help." That way you're not lying to clients. Clients may ask what you need help with. DO NOT make eye contact. Just say, "Thank you."
So there you have it. Let me know how it goes.
10 comments:
Well with our current job prospects, you and I may be fighting for prime begging real estate in just a little more than a year. I'm glad I read this before I just went out there and started punching people who weren't giving me their change.
These are great steps but I think you missed a big one. Baggage. The more the better. To make a hobo more believeable, they need to have everything they own with them. Think about it. A hobo sitting on the street with a shopping cart full of dirty, smelly, rotten clothing and a lampshade is sure to get sympathy. It really brings home the point that they have nothing. Compare that to a homo sitting on a cooler with his dog tied to his new stolen bike. I'm not givin that guy my money! He's got a dog! And a bike! He doesn't need my money. He's RICH!
I meant hobo, not homo. Or did I?
What I would like to know is where do these hobo/homo's get their signs? It's not like magic markers are just laying around everywhere. If these people can afford to go through the trouble of purchasing a magic marker and some cardboard for their sign, why in the world can't they throw in a loaf of bread too? On second thought just forget the marker all together and buy the freakin bread.
Along the lines of having a shopping cart with you with all your belongings in it, I also think it is effective to wear all the clothing you own all at once, including your winter coat. This layering affect makes you more pitiable, especially in the hot summer sun.
Remember that time we dressed you up as a bum for halloween, Jess? That was sweet. And the best part was, it didn't take much to make it believable. Kidding! But that was a good one.
Didn't you also dress me up as MCHammer once and basically all it involved was a large black trash bag?
Informant,
How receptive do you find the hobos in Eugene? You've heard the aphorism "beggars can't be choosers" well the hobos in DC want to be choosers too. My wife and I got an extra sandwich one day at lunch so she stopped at the first hobo and asked him if he wanted it -- he took it and ASKED FOR A SODA. I'm not even kidding, he was ticked when we didn't have one for him. Another time we came to a stop sign and a hobo was sitting there begging so I rolled down my window and asked him if he wanted a box of girl scout cookies. He asked what kind they were (I forget what they were now) AND HE REFUSED. I was stunned. I hadn't felt that rejected since high school. Pittsburgh on the other hand has great hobos. A friend of mine gave a bunch of them a half eaten sandwich and they were grateful. We walked past them later that day and they said thanks again.
I think it's so sad when someone eats a half eatin sandwich! That's true hoboism! Shopping cart or not... Now the choosers, that's fake. My neighbor (who had a house, and she had an actual job- the bus driver for the Junior High!) would go down town during conference dressed as a bum and beg. I mean, wasn't she worried that the bishop or someone would see her? Bums just can't be trusted these days...
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