I'm Putting On A Clinic

Up until thirty seconds ago, I was trying to convincingly express my interest in working for the railroad. I'm sure it is a great job, but I'm not doing a very good job of lying about being excited about the railroad. Besides an excuse to wear overalls on a regular basis, I just don't see the appeal. So, it is time to re-focus my creative energy on something else. It is time for Panhandling 101 (or 1010 for you U of U students).

I have spent a lot of time watching hobos. I have seen some of the best in the world work. A panhandler who knows what he is doing is a beautiful thing. Those dudes can start with nothing at 8:00 am and be totally drunk by 9:15 am. Now, I fully understand that panhandlers aren't much for "book learnin'", so I have developed a simple five step program that is easy for the most ignorant hobo to learn and guaranteed to produce results. It is all about PALMS.

1. Position
No one likes tall people. If your tall, you know what I'm talking about. Sure, people are nice to your face, but you really don't have any friends. All those shorter people are thinking of ways to take out your knees when you aren't looking. The lesson for you hobos: get as close to the ground as you can. If you're going to stand, slouch. If you are truly committed to a life of begging, sit down. If you want to be world class, sit down, stare at the ground about 18 inches in front of you, and put your hand directly on the ground. The greatest hobo I ever had the privilege to watch was Klaus in Klagenfurt, Austria. This guy would sit down, put his hand on the ground (no matter how cold it was), and stare at the ground. He made tons of money. He earned enough to buy booze for him and six buddies in a little more than an hour. He was a maestro.

2. Attitude
Humility goes a long way. Too many of you make the mistake of trying to justify your life choices. In most cases, people are hobos because they are either crazy or lazy. Since crazy people eventually end up with some sort of government help, most of the you are just plan lazy. Aggressiveness won't get you very far. You need to act like you really need help. Think about how much you want that meth/booze/crack. It will make you sad. Use that as the motivation. Some of you mistakenly think creating a sense of urgency in your clients is a good plan. It is not. Remember, you are going for pity. Look sullen. Say thank you.

3. Location, location, location
I see this in Eugene all the time. People set up on busy street corners and end up standing there all day. You really need to get to the foot traffic. You see, when people are in cars, they are protected by their windows. Sure, they can look out, but there is enough buffer to ignore you. Now remember, you are supposed to be standing/sitting and pouring out humility. It is just too hard to get people in cars to notice. Instead, find a place with lots of pedestrians. Sidewalk corners might work. You need to make sure you aren't holding up traffic too much. Try bus stations, libraries, open spaces by office buildings, and tourist attractions.

4. Method
Remember the story of the tortoise and the hare? Of course you don't. You can't read. The moral of the story is that slow and steady wins the race. It is true for almost anything. Find your spot and sit there. You will make more by being noticeable but not obnoxious than you will running around and pestering people. You may say this is counterintuitive. I will remind you that you are a hobo and your intuition so far has been wrong. Trust me.

5. Signs
You probably shouldn't use signs. They actually detract from the message. If you follow the other steps, you are saying more than any sign will say. Everyone knows you are there to feed your addiction. You are not interested in getting to your kids. You don't need gas money (unless you're a huffer). You're not looking for work. Remember, you will be most effective by sitting and putting your hand on the ground. Having said that, if you really want a sign, keep it simple. It should be small and to the point. Try something like, "Need help." That way you're not lying to clients. Clients may ask what you need help with. DO NOT make eye contact. Just say, "Thank you."


So there you have it. Let me know how it goes.

Golfing

I went golfing yesterday and today. I don't get a chance to go all that often, but I really enjoy it when I go. Before yesterday, the last time I went golfing was in September. Six months off isn't doing any favors for my game, but I think my biggest problem is that I have no idea what I'm doing. At all.

My mom's coworker tried to teach me how to golf when I was about 12. We went to Four Lakes in Taylorsville and, as I remember it, I was pretty good. The rentals were sweet. I was hooked and finally convinced my mom to get a starter set of clubs. I have gotten progressively worse since that first purchase.

I have disfigured at least two dozen people with my slice. Some of the scars will heal, the mental ones probably won't. No one is safe being anywhere near me. I have ricocheted balls off of trees, practice mats at the driving range, feet, the shaft of the club, poles, old ladies, boy scouts, and daytime hookers. And that isn't an exhaustive list.

Even though I suck and probably won't ever get any better, I keep going. Part of the fun is occassionally hitting a good shot and thinking, just for a second, that I might not be the worst golfer ever. After I hit a good shot, I try to remember exactly what I did so I can do it again on the next shot. I just end up causing more problems than anything. Maybe I need to change my grip? My stance? My swing? My tempo? My club?

Maybe I need to change my attitude? A little less of this and little more of this. The older I get, the more I realize that Rodney Dangerfield and Journey can solve just about any problem. If more people would just take time out of their day to listen to "Anyway You Want It" and really listen to it, the world would be a better place. I'm sure my handicap would go down. It is probably easier said than done, but I'm going to give it a shot. If it doesn't work, I might have to break the swearing streak. It is getting old anyway.

So, if I go golfing with any of my faithful reader(s), please remind me of who I am and what I'm about. I am a Journey fan and I'm all about rockin' out.