Here Comes the Hotstepper

The missus and I had the pleasure of chaperoning a stake dance on Saturday. I don't feel like I'm a lot older than these kids, but I guess I am. I don't remember ever having stake dances at all. We had stomps, but I think that is just a Utah thing. It should be a worldwide thing because stomps are awesome and stake dances suck.

Anyway, in order for kids to get into the dance, they had to wear church clothes (dress shirts and ties for the boys, skirts and blouses for the girls). They also had to present a "dance card" at the door, sort of like an admission ticket from the bishop. Because prom was going on for most of the high schools in our area, most of the kids there were between 14 and 16. Lizzy and I were stationed at a door in the gym to keep the kids from sneaking out and destroying the church. It was a pretty slow night. We only had one incident and I was able to defuse the situation pretty quickly thanks to my new taser.

Being at the dance gave me some time to reflect on my high school days. The ten year reunion is coming up in a few months and I'm getting pretty jazzed about it. I was in Germany for the five year, so that makes the ten year even more important. It sort of sucks that I haven't received any phone calls or emails from organizers, but I'm pretty sure they are just having a hard time finding me and not avoiding me on purpose. But that is for a later blog.

Some of my readers know that I am a professionally trained dancer. I have been schooled in both tap and ballet and have learned hip hop, break dancing, and jazz on my own. I'm an excellent dancer (like Raymond Babbitt is an excellent driver).

Even though I am an excellent dancer, I have never been a fan of dances. I never learned the Electric Slide (nice pantsuit), which is a huge bummer. I' not sure how everyone learned that dance. I always figured it was taught during gym or something and I was absent that day. Maybe people spend time working on it at home? I guess that happens, but that sure is gay. The best part about the Electric Slide is that no one is really interested in doing it. People are involved, but they aren't happy. There are no smiles, no spontaneous high fives, nothing. It is just a bunch of otherwise self-conscious people hoping that the next hop-quarter-turn-clap-combo doesn't put them in the front row where everyone can see them.

I went to Youth Conference once and I almost stopped going to church. I don't know what it had to do with learning about church, but we had to learn a country dance. Everyone was given a partner, mine was a softball player. Not this kind of softball player, but this kind of softball player. It left a bad taste in my mouth. I still have nightmares about it.

I was surprised that not that much has changed at dances in the last ten years. The same songs are popular. The kids went nuts for "I'm Just a Girl" from No Doubt; "Cotton-Eyed Joe " from Rednex; and the ubiquitous "Electric Slide" from Grandmaster Slice. Besides an unexplainable, newfound love for A Simple Plan, all of the hits were at least ten or twelve years old.

Another constant is that swing dancing sucks. I'll never understand what motivates people to learn how to swing dance. And once they learn it, where do they get the balls big enough to think they are awesome?

Finally, Kokomo is still an awful song and the Beach Boys still suck. I know Stamos was in the video and all, but that still doesn't save the song or the band.

That's about all I have to say about it. The kids had a fun time, I got to use the taser, no one got knocked up, and everyone was home by 11:30. It was a successful evening.

video.google.com

I don't know what motivates people to record themselves being stupid, but I'm glad they do it. One of the best things I have found in the last little while is Google Video. You can find pretty much anything that you can imagine. I especially like awesome guitar solos. As a crappy guitarist myself, I know garbage when I see it. Really, anything music related is golden. Here are some of my favorites this week:

Metallica One Intro Solo

Arjun and Panu. "Arjun, how can we score some hot 8th grade chicks?" "I don't know, Panu. But lip syncing a Weezer song is probably a good place to start."


Kids & Nirvana. The only way this makes sense is if it is a commercial for an orthodontist trying to appeal to Generation X girls who got pregnant in high school and now have kids who need braces. At least that is the only thing I can think of.

Guerrilla Radio. I don't think this performance was at an LDS Institute dance, but I've been wrong before.

Gray's Freestyle Rap. And you thought myspace was only dangerous because of child predators.

Vindicated. Is that a girl or the singer from The Killers?

Vindicated , Part II. Dashboard Confessional provides an endless source of crappy videos. This kid has it all. Wind blowing through his hair. Bad choreography. Stupid symbolism. He has a bright future in the music business. I bet he doesn't have any brothers. And if he does have brothers, I hope they beat the living hell out of him. That is the only way to learn.

Huey Lewis & The News. This is probably the greatest video ever. The bandmembers have obviously studied Robert Palmer videos. The lead singer has some of the best moves I have ever seen and he might be Dell Schanze. Look out, he might pull a gun on you!

Enjoy!