Baby Basics - Debra Style

Occasionally the thought crosses my mind that I could live in Eugene after school is over. I mean, the summers are pretty nice (if you have A/C), and the winters aren't all that bad. Sure, it rains a lot, but it isn't like I'm going to go outside and exercise or anything. I might walk to the car, but that's about it. And I say "might" because as soon as I can afford a Rascal, I won't be walking anywhere. That translates to even less time spent out in the elements.

Lizzy isn't too keen on the idea of sticking around here a day longer than we have to. And to be honest, even though I sometimes think Eugene doesn't suck that bad, as soon as I catch a whiff of nature's smelling salts, I quickly snap out of my delusions.

If all goes to plan, Nathan Jr. will be here in six weeks or so. In an effort to not cause any unnecessary damage to him, we thought it would be a good idea to take some classes about childbirth and baby care. We started on Monday and it was great. Our teacher, Heidi, did a great job and we're looking forward to going back to more classes taught by her. Last night we went to a class taught by Debra. Debra has bought into the whole "nature's way is better" and all that bull sh*t. Needless to say, Debra was the smelling salts I needed to awake from the fog of thinking Eugene isn't that bad.

Here is a taste of Baby Basics - Debra Style:

1. Circumcision is only for Jews.

You may not know this, but circumcision is for people who live in deserts and don't shower very often. In fact, very few cultures circumcise their male babies. Debra tried hard to conceal her contempt for those who choose to circumcise, but it was pretty clear that she is not a fan. Apparently, the trend nowadays is to not circumcise babies, especially in the Pacific Northwest.

Despite her best efforts, Deb didn't convince me to allow Nathan Jr. to be a Snuffleupagus or an anteater, choose your euphemism. Circumcision is a cosmetic procedure, but it is not an elective cosmetic procedure; it is pretty much necessary. Also, Mormons love to compare themselves to Jews (Sidenote: if you think I should be saying Jewish people, I disagree. Please see BA's insightful comments on Jews/Jewish People). If Orrin Hatch can hang a Mezzuzah on his door post, I can have my kid circumcised.

2. Olive oil cures everything.

What's that? You think Johnson and Johnson is trying to control the universe one baby bath at a time? You're right! All you need is a little olive oil. It is probably pretty hard to hold a soapy baby, but I bet a greased up baby is a lot harder to hold. I think the idea was just dump some olive oil on the baby and let the flies clean it. Look, it doesn't make sense to me either, but that is the best I can come up with.

3. When possible, take your shirt off to hold the baby.

Apparently you can only bond with a baby if it can see your nipples. This is true for both mom and dad. Babies need to feel loved and nothing says love like a pasty, white, bare chest. Also, if possible, grow some more chest hair. Maybe I will be a bad parent, but I don't think Nathan Jr. will ever see me with my shirt off. Not only is it gross, but it is also confusing for babies. Some nipples produce milk, some don't; and as far as a baby can tell, they probably look very similar. Sometimes I can barely tell the difference.

Deb did a great job pushing her agenda. I'm sure families following her suggestions will do just fine. Maybe she is right. Maybe babies will only bond with you if they can eat whatever is caught in your chest hair. Maybe olive oil really does replace every man-made product (although olive oil isn't entirely completely natural, I mean, someone had to press the olives, right?). Maybe Nathan Jr. will be the only kid who is circumcised because "the trend is towards not circumcising." If that turns out to be the case, I'm OK with it. He'll appreciate being the only kid whose parents loved him enough that they decided that he could learn enough about smegma from Wikipedia.

Oh, and we're not staying in Eugene a day longer than we have to.