The missus and I had the pleasure of chaperoning a stake dance on Saturday. I don't feel like I'm a lot older than these kids, but I guess I am. I don't remember ever having stake dances at all. We had stomps, but I think that is just a Utah thing. It should be a worldwide thing because stomps are awesome and stake dances suck.
Anyway, in order for kids to get into the dance, they had to wear church clothes (dress shirts and ties for the boys, skirts and blouses for the girls). They also had to present a "dance card" at the door, sort of like an admission ticket from the bishop. Because prom was going on for most of the high schools in our area, most of the kids there were between 14 and 16. Lizzy and I were stationed at a door in the gym to keep the kids from sneaking out and destroying the church. It was a pretty slow night. We only had one incident and I was able to defuse the situation pretty quickly thanks to my new taser.
Being at the dance gave me some time to reflect on my high school days. The ten year reunion is coming up in a few months and I'm getting pretty jazzed about it. I was in Germany for the five year, so that makes the ten year even more important. It sort of sucks that I haven't received any phone calls or emails from organizers, but I'm pretty sure they are just having a hard time finding me and not avoiding me on purpose. But that is for a later blog.
Some of my readers know that I am a professionally trained dancer. I have been schooled in both tap and ballet and have learned hip hop, break dancing, and jazz on my own. I'm an excellent dancer (like Raymond Babbitt is an excellent driver).
Even though I am an excellent dancer, I have never been a fan of dances. I never learned the Electric Slide (nice pantsuit), which is a huge bummer. I' not sure how everyone learned that dance. I always figured it was taught during gym or something and I was absent that day. Maybe people spend time working on it at home? I guess that happens, but that sure is gay. The best part about the Electric Slide is that no one is really interested in doing it. People are involved, but they aren't happy. There are no smiles, no spontaneous high fives, nothing. It is just a bunch of otherwise self-conscious people hoping that the next hop-quarter-turn-clap-combo doesn't put them in the front row where everyone can see them.
I went to Youth Conference once and I almost stopped going to church. I don't know what it had to do with learning about church, but we had to learn a country dance. Everyone was given a partner, mine was a softball player. Not this kind of softball player, but this kind of softball player. It left a bad taste in my mouth. I still have nightmares about it.
I was surprised that not that much has changed at dances in the last ten years. The same songs are popular. The kids went nuts for "I'm Just a Girl" from No Doubt; "Cotton-Eyed Joe " from Rednex; and the ubiquitous "Electric Slide" from Grandmaster Slice. Besides an unexplainable, newfound love for A Simple Plan, all of the hits were at least ten or twelve years old.
Another constant is that swing dancing sucks. I'll never understand what motivates people to learn how to swing dance. And once they learn it, where do they get the balls big enough to think they are awesome?
Finally, Kokomo is still an awful song and the Beach Boys still suck. I know Stamos was in the video and all, but that still doesn't save the song or the band.
That's about all I have to say about it. The kids had a fun time, I got to use the taser, no one got knocked up, and everyone was home by 11:30. It was a successful evening.
15 May 2006
09 May 2006
video.google.com
I don't know what motivates people to record themselves being stupid, but I'm glad they do it. One of the best things I have found in the last little while is Google Video. You can find pretty much anything that you can imagine. I especially like awesome guitar solos. As a crappy guitarist myself, I know garbage when I see it. Really, anything music related is golden. Here are some of my favorites this week:
Metallica One Intro Solo
Arjun and Panu. "Arjun, how can we score some hot 8th grade chicks?" "I don't know, Panu. But lip syncing a Weezer song is probably a good place to start."
Kids & Nirvana. The only way this makes sense is if it is a commercial for an orthodontist trying to appeal to Generation X girls who got pregnant in high school and now have kids who need braces. At least that is the only thing I can think of.
Guerrilla Radio. I don't think this performance was at an LDS Institute dance, but I've been wrong before.
Gray's Freestyle Rap. And you thought myspace was only dangerous because of child predators.
Vindicated. Is that a girl or the singer from The Killers?
Vindicated , Part II. Dashboard Confessional provides an endless source of crappy videos. This kid has it all. Wind blowing through his hair. Bad choreography. Stupid symbolism. He has a bright future in the music business. I bet he doesn't have any brothers. And if he does have brothers, I hope they beat the living hell out of him. That is the only way to learn.
Huey Lewis & The News. This is probably the greatest video ever. The bandmembers have obviously studied Robert Palmer videos. The lead singer has some of the best moves I have ever seen and he might be Dell Schanze. Look out, he might pull a gun on you!
Enjoy!
Metallica One Intro Solo
Arjun and Panu. "Arjun, how can we score some hot 8th grade chicks?" "I don't know, Panu. But lip syncing a Weezer song is probably a good place to start."
Kids & Nirvana. The only way this makes sense is if it is a commercial for an orthodontist trying to appeal to Generation X girls who got pregnant in high school and now have kids who need braces. At least that is the only thing I can think of.
Guerrilla Radio. I don't think this performance was at an LDS Institute dance, but I've been wrong before.
Gray's Freestyle Rap. And you thought myspace was only dangerous because of child predators.
Vindicated. Is that a girl or the singer from The Killers?
Vindicated , Part II. Dashboard Confessional provides an endless source of crappy videos. This kid has it all. Wind blowing through his hair. Bad choreography. Stupid symbolism. He has a bright future in the music business. I bet he doesn't have any brothers. And if he does have brothers, I hope they beat the living hell out of him. That is the only way to learn.
Huey Lewis & The News. This is probably the greatest video ever. The bandmembers have obviously studied Robert Palmer videos. The lead singer has some of the best moves I have ever seen and he might be Dell Schanze. Look out, he might pull a gun on you!
Enjoy!
29 March 2006
I'm Putting On A Clinic
Up until thirty seconds ago, I was trying to convincingly express my interest in working for the railroad. I'm sure it is a great job, but I'm not doing a very good job of lying about being excited about the railroad. Besides an excuse to wear overalls on a regular basis, I just don't see the appeal. So, it is time to re-focus my creative energy on something else. It is time for Panhandling 101 (or 1010 for you U of U students).
I have spent a lot of time watching hobos. I have seen some of the best in the world work. A panhandler who knows what he is doing is a beautiful thing. Those dudes can start with nothing at 8:00 am and be totally drunk by 9:15 am. Now, I fully understand that panhandlers aren't much for "book learnin'", so I have developed a simple five step program that is easy for the most ignorant hobo to learn and guaranteed to produce results. It is all about PALMS.
1. Position
No one likes tall people. If your tall, you know what I'm talking about. Sure, people are nice to your face, but you really don't have any friends. All those shorter people are thinking of ways to take out your knees when you aren't looking. The lesson for you hobos: get as close to the ground as you can. If you're going to stand, slouch. If you are truly committed to a life of begging, sit down. If you want to be world class, sit down, stare at the ground about 18 inches in front of you, and put your hand directly on the ground. The greatest hobo I ever had the privilege to watch was Klaus in Klagenfurt, Austria. This guy would sit down, put his hand on the ground (no matter how cold it was), and stare at the ground. He made tons of money. He earned enough to buy booze for him and six buddies in a little more than an hour. He was a maestro.
2. Attitude
Humility goes a long way. Too many of you make the mistake of trying to justify your life choices. In most cases, people are hobos because they are either crazy or lazy. Since crazy people eventually end up with some sort of government help, most of the you are just plan lazy. Aggressiveness won't get you very far. You need to act like you really need help. Think about how much you want that meth/booze/crack. It will make you sad. Use that as the motivation. Some of you mistakenly think creating a sense of urgency in your clients is a good plan. It is not. Remember, you are going for pity. Look sullen. Say thank you.
3. Location, location, location
I see this in Eugene all the time. People set up on busy street corners and end up standing there all day. You really need to get to the foot traffic. You see, when people are in cars, they are protected by their windows. Sure, they can look out, but there is enough buffer to ignore you. Now remember, you are supposed to be standing/sitting and pouring out humility. It is just too hard to get people in cars to notice. Instead, find a place with lots of pedestrians. Sidewalk corners might work. You need to make sure you aren't holding up traffic too much. Try bus stations, libraries, open spaces by office buildings, and tourist attractions.
4. Method
Remember the story of the tortoise and the hare? Of course you don't. You can't read. The moral of the story is that slow and steady wins the race. It is true for almost anything. Find your spot and sit there. You will make more by being noticeable but not obnoxious than you will running around and pestering people. You may say this is counterintuitive. I will remind you that you are a hobo and your intuition so far has been wrong. Trust me.
5. Signs
You probably shouldn't use signs. They actually detract from the message. If you follow the other steps, you are saying more than any sign will say. Everyone knows you are there to feed your addiction. You are not interested in getting to your kids. You don't need gas money (unless you're a huffer). You're not looking for work. Remember, you will be most effective by sitting and putting your hand on the ground. Having said that, if you really want a sign, keep it simple. It should be small and to the point. Try something like, "Need help." That way you're not lying to clients. Clients may ask what you need help with. DO NOT make eye contact. Just say, "Thank you."
So there you have it. Let me know how it goes.
I have spent a lot of time watching hobos. I have seen some of the best in the world work. A panhandler who knows what he is doing is a beautiful thing. Those dudes can start with nothing at 8:00 am and be totally drunk by 9:15 am. Now, I fully understand that panhandlers aren't much for "book learnin'", so I have developed a simple five step program that is easy for the most ignorant hobo to learn and guaranteed to produce results. It is all about PALMS.
1. Position
No one likes tall people. If your tall, you know what I'm talking about. Sure, people are nice to your face, but you really don't have any friends. All those shorter people are thinking of ways to take out your knees when you aren't looking. The lesson for you hobos: get as close to the ground as you can. If you're going to stand, slouch. If you are truly committed to a life of begging, sit down. If you want to be world class, sit down, stare at the ground about 18 inches in front of you, and put your hand directly on the ground. The greatest hobo I ever had the privilege to watch was Klaus in Klagenfurt, Austria. This guy would sit down, put his hand on the ground (no matter how cold it was), and stare at the ground. He made tons of money. He earned enough to buy booze for him and six buddies in a little more than an hour. He was a maestro.
2. Attitude
Humility goes a long way. Too many of you make the mistake of trying to justify your life choices. In most cases, people are hobos because they are either crazy or lazy. Since crazy people eventually end up with some sort of government help, most of the you are just plan lazy. Aggressiveness won't get you very far. You need to act like you really need help. Think about how much you want that meth/booze/crack. It will make you sad. Use that as the motivation. Some of you mistakenly think creating a sense of urgency in your clients is a good plan. It is not. Remember, you are going for pity. Look sullen. Say thank you.
3. Location, location, location
I see this in Eugene all the time. People set up on busy street corners and end up standing there all day. You really need to get to the foot traffic. You see, when people are in cars, they are protected by their windows. Sure, they can look out, but there is enough buffer to ignore you. Now remember, you are supposed to be standing/sitting and pouring out humility. It is just too hard to get people in cars to notice. Instead, find a place with lots of pedestrians. Sidewalk corners might work. You need to make sure you aren't holding up traffic too much. Try bus stations, libraries, open spaces by office buildings, and tourist attractions.
4. Method
Remember the story of the tortoise and the hare? Of course you don't. You can't read. The moral of the story is that slow and steady wins the race. It is true for almost anything. Find your spot and sit there. You will make more by being noticeable but not obnoxious than you will running around and pestering people. You may say this is counterintuitive. I will remind you that you are a hobo and your intuition so far has been wrong. Trust me.
5. Signs
You probably shouldn't use signs. They actually detract from the message. If you follow the other steps, you are saying more than any sign will say. Everyone knows you are there to feed your addiction. You are not interested in getting to your kids. You don't need gas money (unless you're a huffer). You're not looking for work. Remember, you will be most effective by sitting and putting your hand on the ground. Having said that, if you really want a sign, keep it simple. It should be small and to the point. Try something like, "Need help." That way you're not lying to clients. Clients may ask what you need help with. DO NOT make eye contact. Just say, "Thank you."
So there you have it. Let me know how it goes.
28 March 2006
Golfing
I went golfing yesterday and today. I don't get a chance to go all that often, but I really enjoy it when I go. Before yesterday, the last time I went golfing was in September. Six months off isn't doing any favors for my game, but I think my biggest problem is that I have no idea what I'm doing. At all.
My mom's coworker tried to teach me how to golf when I was about 12. We went to Four Lakes in Taylorsville and, as I remember it, I was pretty good. The rentals were sweet. I was hooked and finally convinced my mom to get a starter set of clubs. I have gotten progressively worse since that first purchase.
I have disfigured at least two dozen people with my slice. Some of the scars will heal, the mental ones probably won't. No one is safe being anywhere near me. I have ricocheted balls off of trees, practice mats at the driving range, feet, the shaft of the club, poles, old ladies, boy scouts, and daytime hookers. And that isn't an exhaustive list.
Even though I suck and probably won't ever get any better, I keep going. Part of the fun is occassionally hitting a good shot and thinking, just for a second, that I might not be the worst golfer ever. After I hit a good shot, I try to remember exactly what I did so I can do it again on the next shot. I just end up causing more problems than anything. Maybe I need to change my grip? My stance? My swing? My tempo? My club?
Maybe I need to change my attitude? A little less of this and little more of this. The older I get, the more I realize that Rodney Dangerfield and Journey can solve just about any problem. If more people would just take time out of their day to listen to "Anyway You Want It" and really listen to it, the world would be a better place. I'm sure my handicap would go down. It is probably easier said than done, but I'm going to give it a shot. If it doesn't work, I might have to break the swearing streak. It is getting old anyway.
So, if I go golfing with any of my faithful reader(s), please remind me of who I am and what I'm about. I am a Journey fan and I'm all about rockin' out.
My mom's coworker tried to teach me how to golf when I was about 12. We went to Four Lakes in Taylorsville and, as I remember it, I was pretty good. The rentals were sweet. I was hooked and finally convinced my mom to get a starter set of clubs. I have gotten progressively worse since that first purchase.
I have disfigured at least two dozen people with my slice. Some of the scars will heal, the mental ones probably won't. No one is safe being anywhere near me. I have ricocheted balls off of trees, practice mats at the driving range, feet, the shaft of the club, poles, old ladies, boy scouts, and daytime hookers. And that isn't an exhaustive list.
Even though I suck and probably won't ever get any better, I keep going. Part of the fun is occassionally hitting a good shot and thinking, just for a second, that I might not be the worst golfer ever. After I hit a good shot, I try to remember exactly what I did so I can do it again on the next shot. I just end up causing more problems than anything. Maybe I need to change my grip? My stance? My swing? My tempo? My club?
Maybe I need to change my attitude? A little less of this and little more of this. The older I get, the more I realize that Rodney Dangerfield and Journey can solve just about any problem. If more people would just take time out of their day to listen to "Anyway You Want It" and really listen to it, the world would be a better place. I'm sure my handicap would go down. It is probably easier said than done, but I'm going to give it a shot. If it doesn't work, I might have to break the swearing streak. It is getting old anyway.
So, if I go golfing with any of my faithful reader(s), please remind me of who I am and what I'm about. I am a Journey fan and I'm all about rockin' out.
28 February 2006
Blog Tag
Welcome to Blog Tag (previously known as Meme Tag. I changed the name because I thought the previous name sucked and I was right). If you get tagged (see bottom) you have to fill this out and post it on your blog. Game on!
Four Jobs I've Had in My Life:
Plumber's Apprentice (I also made a mean back of mexi-fries at Taco Bell while cleaning out a floor drain)
Airplane Fueler
Member of touring dance troupe. We toured the world and elsewhere.
Lacrosse Ref
Four Movies I Could Watch Over and Over, and Have:
Where the Red Fern Grows
Raising Arizona
This is Spinal Tap
The Wedding Planner
Four Places I've Lived:
Salt Lake City (Zion)
Provo (Hell)
Vienna, Austria
North Eugene Trailer Park
Four TV Shows I Love to Watch:
Dr. 90210
My Name is Earl
Scrubs
Dirty Jobs
Four Websites I Visit Daily (and more than once daily):
lizonya.blogspot.com
CNN
The Superficial
Kraft Foods
Four Favorite Foods:
Bean Burritos
Tater Tots
Weight Loss Shakes
More Tater Tots
Four Places I Would Like to Visit:
Snowville
Washington D.C.
Cheese Factory
Chocolate Factory
Four places I'd rather be:
At home
In the library
Knott's Berry Farm
Skippers
Four Albums I can't live without:
Psychotic Supper - Tesla
Barry Manilow box set
Cats soundtrack
Anything from Jack Johnson
Four People I am Tagging with this Meme:
I'm issuing a challenge for everyone reading this post to copy and paste what you see here and post it in your blog, editing answers and remarks to fit your own personality and tastes. I urge you, blog readers, to do so now.
Four Jobs I've Had in My Life:
Plumber's Apprentice (I also made a mean back of mexi-fries at Taco Bell while cleaning out a floor drain)
Airplane Fueler
Member of touring dance troupe. We toured the world and elsewhere.
Lacrosse Ref
Four Movies I Could Watch Over and Over, and Have:
Where the Red Fern Grows
Raising Arizona
This is Spinal Tap
The Wedding Planner
Four Places I've Lived:
Salt Lake City (Zion)
Provo (Hell)
Vienna, Austria
North Eugene Trailer Park
Four TV Shows I Love to Watch:
Dr. 90210
My Name is Earl
Scrubs
Dirty Jobs
Four Websites I Visit Daily (and more than once daily):
lizonya.blogspot.com
CNN
The Superficial
Kraft Foods
Four Favorite Foods:
Bean Burritos
Tater Tots
Weight Loss Shakes
More Tater Tots
Four Places I Would Like to Visit:
Snowville
Washington D.C.
Cheese Factory
Chocolate Factory
Four places I'd rather be:
At home
In the library
Knott's Berry Farm
Skippers
Four Albums I can't live without:
Psychotic Supper - Tesla
Barry Manilow box set
Cats soundtrack
Anything from Jack Johnson
Four People I am Tagging with this Meme:
I'm issuing a challenge for everyone reading this post to copy and paste what you see here and post it in your blog, editing answers and remarks to fit your own personality and tastes. I urge you, blog readers, to do so now.
24 February 2006
Maybe it is Time to Reconsider Grey's Anatomy
Everyone seems to love Grey's Anatomy. I guess as far as TV shows go, it isn't that bad, but it isn't great either. While the show does beat almost anything on the WB or UPN with the obvious exception of Beauty and the Geek, the show's writer have alienated their target audience of people who regularly watch Can't Buy Me Love. The easy solution is to hire me to right the wrong and restore balance to the universe. Here are some examples:
The most obvious mistake the writer's have made is trying to convince the world that Ronald Miller somehow gave up lawn mowing, went to medical school, DIDN'T have a long-term, committed relationship with Cindi Mancini, and changed his name to Derek Shepherd. Obviously the writers would prefer that a generation of American's forget that Can't Buy Me Love changed the way nerdy guys were treated in high school. Ronald had a slow, one-man clap turn into a school-wide standing ovation. Come on, writers, why would he give that up for a medical career in Seattle? He wouldn't.
Another mistake is casting Ellen Pompeo as Dr. Grey. Not that she is a bad actress or anything, she just can't speak. Ellen has a problem with her S's. Not quite as bad as Drew Berrymore ("And that's what I call kicking your atheths" - from Charlie's Angels), but still a little annoying. I guess the solution to this problem is more shower scenes and less talking. Funny how that is always the answer. Oh, and her name shouldn't be Meredith. That name sucks.
Finally, this past week's episode was especially disturbing. First of all, when Dr. Yang and Dr. Burke were "dancing" why weren't they doing Ronald's African Anteater Ritual dance? Come on, everyone knows that even if Ronald did change his name and so on, he still would be teaching the dance to people. Remember, Ronald has been the subject of the spontaneous one-man-to-whole-school standing ovation. You don't forget something like that.
If that were the only issue in last week's episode, I would let it slide. Unfortunately, there was one more glaring mistake. Apparently the writers are already running out of ideas because this past week all they did was bring Rocky Dennis back from dead and try to fix his face. Besides, isn't there already a cast member who really has cranial dysplasia? That isn't nice, writers.
The writers need to do a better job of remembering that the people who star on the show are real people. They were nerds in high school. They know awesome dances. They have debilitating illnesses.
The most obvious mistake the writer's have made is trying to convince the world that Ronald Miller somehow gave up lawn mowing, went to medical school, DIDN'T have a long-term, committed relationship with Cindi Mancini, and changed his name to Derek Shepherd. Obviously the writers would prefer that a generation of American's forget that Can't Buy Me Love changed the way nerdy guys were treated in high school. Ronald had a slow, one-man clap turn into a school-wide standing ovation. Come on, writers, why would he give that up for a medical career in Seattle? He wouldn't.
Another mistake is casting Ellen Pompeo as Dr. Grey. Not that she is a bad actress or anything, she just can't speak. Ellen has a problem with her S's. Not quite as bad as Drew Berrymore ("And that's what I call kicking your atheths" - from Charlie's Angels), but still a little annoying. I guess the solution to this problem is more shower scenes and less talking. Funny how that is always the answer. Oh, and her name shouldn't be Meredith. That name sucks.
Finally, this past week's episode was especially disturbing. First of all, when Dr. Yang and Dr. Burke were "dancing" why weren't they doing Ronald's African Anteater Ritual dance? Come on, everyone knows that even if Ronald did change his name and so on, he still would be teaching the dance to people. Remember, Ronald has been the subject of the spontaneous one-man-to-whole-school standing ovation. You don't forget something like that.
If that were the only issue in last week's episode, I would let it slide. Unfortunately, there was one more glaring mistake. Apparently the writers are already running out of ideas because this past week all they did was bring Rocky Dennis back from dead and try to fix his face. Besides, isn't there already a cast member who really has cranial dysplasia? That isn't nice, writers.
The writers need to do a better job of remembering that the people who star on the show are real people. They were nerds in high school. They know awesome dances. They have debilitating illnesses.
10 February 2006
Broken Arm Birthday
First things first. Happy Birthday, Liz! Today the missus is 20-something (I'm not sure if it's cool to say how old she is). I got her some pretty awesome things for her birthday: A couple of CDs I stole from my "friends" who use itunes on the school's wireless network; some skittles; a three-pack of auto detailing towels; some replacement shoulder pads for her favorite blouse; a 15-pound bag of taters; and a fly rod.
Those are some pretty sweet gifts, but I'm afraid even those gifts pale in comparison to the gift she received on Wednesday from the Sacred Heart Medical Center Urgent Care in beautiful downtown Eugene, Oregon. Earlier in the week Lizzy slipped on the kitchen floor and broke her arm. I didn't think there was any way a healthy, young gal like her could break a bone from a little fall, so we waited a day and some change before we went to the doctor. She was able to move her arm and there wasn't much swelling or anything, so I figured it wasn't a big deal. As most of my readers know, I am CPR certified which means I can accurately diagnose and treat almost any ailment. In fact, since I accurately diagnosed Jon Matthews with a concussion in fourth grade, I've had a pretty good track record with these things. My streak ended with this one. So again, sorry honey.
Here are some highlights from our visit to Urgent Care:
Happy Birthday, sweetie!
Those are some pretty sweet gifts, but I'm afraid even those gifts pale in comparison to the gift she received on Wednesday from the Sacred Heart Medical Center Urgent Care in beautiful downtown Eugene, Oregon. Earlier in the week Lizzy slipped on the kitchen floor and broke her arm. I didn't think there was any way a healthy, young gal like her could break a bone from a little fall, so we waited a day and some change before we went to the doctor. She was able to move her arm and there wasn't much swelling or anything, so I figured it wasn't a big deal. As most of my readers know, I am CPR certified which means I can accurately diagnose and treat almost any ailment. In fact, since I accurately diagnosed Jon Matthews with a concussion in fourth grade, I've had a pretty good track record with these things. My streak ended with this one. So again, sorry honey.
Here are some highlights from our visit to Urgent Care:
- When we first arrived we were greeted with the pungent aroma of filthy hippie and aimless drifter. It is a distinct scent, but one every Eugene resident is familiar with.
- I have met some sassy office ladies in my day, but none like the admitting gal at Urgent Care. This gal was a walking anachronism. She had a very modern wireless headset but offset the new technology with her Aqua Net-rich feathered hairdo. At one point I had to give her my social security number. When I walked up to her I felt her look into my soul. I didn't have to say a word because she already knew. I just said it out loud anyway just to keep from freaking out. I can't get those piercing eyes out of my head. I wonder what else she stole from my soul?
- This is Lizzy's doctor
- When Lizzy first told the doctor what happened, he looked at me like I had beaten her. After I told him to mind his own business or he would "fall on the kitchen floor" too, he was a lot nicer.
- After x-rays the doctor explained that Lizzy has a "kinda broken arm." This is apparently a very technical medical term and we weren't given any further explanation. Lots of ins and outs and what-have-yous.
- Two nurses, Betsy and Ruth, helped put a cast on Lizzy. It took them a few tries to figure out how to do it. Once they had it figured it out, they moved quickly. They also gave us an extra ace bandage. I think that was because of my charming wit and striking features.
- When we got back to the car Lizzy was literally beaming with excitement. Her entire life she has wanted a broken arm. Now she has one. That lasted about four hours. The cast is heavy and itchy. She is pretty miserable. Talk about going from one extreme to the other. At least now she has some narcotics.
Happy Birthday, sweetie!
27 January 2006
Missed Opportunities
When I was three years-old my grandma asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I told her I wanted to be a black baseball player. If the opportunity presented itself, I think I would still like to pursue that career option, but I think the window might have closed on that dream.
When I was in high school I was pretty sure that I wanted to be a pilot. One problem, I'm blind. Not legally blind, but trust me, you wouldn't want me flying anything.
I think being a lawyer will be fun, so I'm happy with where I ended up. But sometimes I wonder if I have missed a better opportunity. What if kicking dogs and evicting old ladies isn't what I was born to do? I mean, I feel like it is, but second guessing is second nature for me. What if I made a mistake?
I think I would be a pretty awesome battle rapper. First, I look pretty tough in a hooded sweatshirt and I like new tennis shoes (I call shoes walkawear). I'm not a very good dancer, despite having some formal dance training, but I am pretty good at bobbing up and down to music. Sometimes I can shimmy too. I think that is all I would need to be a battle rapper. The only thing I might need is a rhyming dictionary, but I can handle that. Maybe I shouldn't close the door on this one. Maybe I should just watch 8 Mile less and do some more homework?
The other thing I think I would be good at is hosting QVC or HSN (the jokers on Shop NBC aren't even worth the time it would take to send a resume). The missus and I got cable a few months a
go and since then I have been hooked on QVC. I watch it a lot and the more I watch the more I think I would be a pretty good host. I have studied the other hosts, I even have some favorites (click on Bob Bowerbox, he's my favorite), and I think I could do a good job. For example, this is how I would sell sheets: "Folks, when you buy sheets from QVC you're buying luxury. Treat yourself to oppulence. Look, we live in a world where certainty is hard to find. There are world conflicts, there is hunger, there is poverty, the world can be very ugly. It is time to treat yourself to certainty. Treat yourself to beauty. Treat yourself to these 1200 thread count sheets. I have had these sheets on my bed for three years and I can tell you, I have certainly noticed a difference. I sleep better, I feel refreshed in the morning, and my wife has conceived eight times. You're not buying sheets, you're buying a lifestyle. Make the call now. For the first time we have these sheets offered with the Equalpay option. For $129.99 plus shipping you are investing in happiness, satisfaction, luxury, and maybe, just maybe doing your part to make this world a better place."
See. I would be pretty good. You should see me sell pots and pans.
I'm sure I'll never do anything about either one of these dreams. But it is good to know that if my passion for the law ends up biting me in the behind, I have other dreams to pursue.
When I was in high school I was pretty sure that I wanted to be a pilot. One problem, I'm blind. Not legally blind, but trust me, you wouldn't want me flying anything.
I think being a lawyer will be fun, so I'm happy with where I ended up. But sometimes I wonder if I have missed a better opportunity. What if kicking dogs and evicting old ladies isn't what I was born to do? I mean, I feel like it is, but second guessing is second nature for me. What if I made a mistake?
I think I would be a pretty awesome battle rapper. First, I look pretty tough in a hooded sweatshirt and I like new tennis shoes (I call shoes walkawear). I'm not a very good dancer, despite having some formal dance training, but I am pretty good at bobbing up and down to music. Sometimes I can shimmy too. I think that is all I would need to be a battle rapper. The only thing I might need is a rhyming dictionary, but I can handle that. Maybe I shouldn't close the door on this one. Maybe I should just watch 8 Mile less and do some more homework?
The other thing I think I would be good at is hosting QVC or HSN (the jokers on Shop NBC aren't even worth the time it would take to send a resume). The missus and I got cable a few months a
go and since then I have been hooked on QVC. I watch it a lot and the more I watch the more I think I would be a pretty good host. I have studied the other hosts, I even have some favorites (click on Bob Bowerbox, he's my favorite), and I think I could do a good job. For example, this is how I would sell sheets: "Folks, when you buy sheets from QVC you're buying luxury. Treat yourself to oppulence. Look, we live in a world where certainty is hard to find. There are world conflicts, there is hunger, there is poverty, the world can be very ugly. It is time to treat yourself to certainty. Treat yourself to beauty. Treat yourself to these 1200 thread count sheets. I have had these sheets on my bed for three years and I can tell you, I have certainly noticed a difference. I sleep better, I feel refreshed in the morning, and my wife has conceived eight times. You're not buying sheets, you're buying a lifestyle. Make the call now. For the first time we have these sheets offered with the Equalpay option. For $129.99 plus shipping you are investing in happiness, satisfaction, luxury, and maybe, just maybe doing your part to make this world a better place."See. I would be pretty good. You should see me sell pots and pans.
I'm sure I'll never do anything about either one of these dreams. But it is good to know that if my passion for the law ends up biting me in the behind, I have other dreams to pursue.
13 January 2006
Songs I Love
Sometimes I worry that my blog will take an exclusively negative tone. Since I think people who always find the crap in everyday life and ignore the good things are missing the point of life, I've decided to write a blog that is postive.
To that end, I have decided to list some songs that I love. These songs hold a special place in my heart. Maybe if you remember the songs and understand why they are so important to me, you'll have a better day.
1. My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion
I love this song for a few reasons. First, it reminds me of my favorite movie of all time, Titanic. Second, it is the song that played in the background when I proposed to my wife. Finally, it was the song we (my wife and I) chose to play on a constant loop at the reception after our wedding. Oh, and we also had it on repeat in our car for the first six weeks of our marriage.
2. Safety Dance by Men Without Hats
Sss-Aaa-Fff-Eee-Ttt-Yyy. I live by three rules: 1) Love like you have never been hurt. 2) Live like there is no tomorrow. 3) Dance like no one is watching. I don't need to remind you about the importance of dancing, I'll let Ren from "Footloose" do that. We can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind. Ivan Doroschuk's words have become my words. I have always enjoyed this song, but one event in my life gives it special meaning; a date with a really cool girl. I thought we had a great time (by the way, it was a blind date) and I was really looking forward to going out with her again. When I took her to her house at the end of the date, I was sure I had a repeat customer. Oh man, was I wrong. I pride myself on enjoying awkward moments, but this one was bad. When I asked her if she would like to go out again she said that she didn't date bald guys. I know! Ouch! I didn't know what to say. There was silence for probably close to a minute. Then all of the sudden I knew what I was supposed to do. I was supposed to dance. Right on her porch. There wasn't any music or anything, just me and my feelings. I'd like to think I put that one right back in her eye.
3. Women by Def Leppard
This is a good song because not only is it catchy, but it also explains the story the Creation way better than the Bible. Women, women, lots of willing women. This song isn't all that inspiring, but it does help me understand life.
4. Something to Believe In by Poison
This an excellent song about social injustice, faith, and the desire to improve the condition of the common man. Brett Michaels could probably single-handedly save the human race if he were called upon to do so. Combine his uncanny ability to succinctly explain complicated issues (not to mention excellent piano skills) with C.C. DeVille's catchy riffs and you have a song that will stand the test of time. I should also confess that I had a hand in writing that song. Brett, C.C., Rikki, and Bobby were in the studio and knew they were close to a hit with this song, but something was missing. I suggested they bring in a Baptist choir and add the "You take the high road/I'll take the low road" to the end of the song. I'd like to think that I had a hand in making that song a true monster ballad. You're welcome.
5. Don't Know Much by Aaron Neville & Linda Ronstadt
Aaron Neville has a huge mole on his face but he still starts the song out by asking his lover (us) to look at his face. He knows the years are showing. The couple singing the song is obviously in love and nothing else is as important as that one fact. This song is important to me because it reaffirms my belief that love does, in fact, conquer all. Also, this was the song that got me out of a huge funk at a time when I thought I had lost all hope. I won't go into too much, I'll just say that I missed some free throws that cost my Junior Jazz team a very important game in the 9 year old division. Thanks, Aaron and Linda. You don't know how much you mean to me and my teammates.
I think that is enough for now. I hope these songs will inspire you like they have inspired me. Music truly is powerful.
To that end, I have decided to list some songs that I love. These songs hold a special place in my heart. Maybe if you remember the songs and understand why they are so important to me, you'll have a better day.
1. My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion
I love this song for a few reasons. First, it reminds me of my favorite movie of all time, Titanic. Second, it is the song that played in the background when I proposed to my wife. Finally, it was the song we (my wife and I) chose to play on a constant loop at the reception after our wedding. Oh, and we also had it on repeat in our car for the first six weeks of our marriage.
2. Safety Dance by Men Without Hats
Sss-Aaa-Fff-Eee-Ttt-Yyy. I live by three rules: 1) Love like you have never been hurt. 2) Live like there is no tomorrow. 3) Dance like no one is watching. I don't need to remind you about the importance of dancing, I'll let Ren from "Footloose" do that. We can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind. Ivan Doroschuk's words have become my words. I have always enjoyed this song, but one event in my life gives it special meaning; a date with a really cool girl. I thought we had a great time (by the way, it was a blind date) and I was really looking forward to going out with her again. When I took her to her house at the end of the date, I was sure I had a repeat customer. Oh man, was I wrong. I pride myself on enjoying awkward moments, but this one was bad. When I asked her if she would like to go out again she said that she didn't date bald guys. I know! Ouch! I didn't know what to say. There was silence for probably close to a minute. Then all of the sudden I knew what I was supposed to do. I was supposed to dance. Right on her porch. There wasn't any music or anything, just me and my feelings. I'd like to think I put that one right back in her eye.
3. Women by Def Leppard
This is a good song because not only is it catchy, but it also explains the story the Creation way better than the Bible. Women, women, lots of willing women. This song isn't all that inspiring, but it does help me understand life.
4. Something to Believe In by Poison
This an excellent song about social injustice, faith, and the desire to improve the condition of the common man. Brett Michaels could probably single-handedly save the human race if he were called upon to do so. Combine his uncanny ability to succinctly explain complicated issues (not to mention excellent piano skills) with C.C. DeVille's catchy riffs and you have a song that will stand the test of time. I should also confess that I had a hand in writing that song. Brett, C.C., Rikki, and Bobby were in the studio and knew they were close to a hit with this song, but something was missing. I suggested they bring in a Baptist choir and add the "You take the high road/I'll take the low road" to the end of the song. I'd like to think that I had a hand in making that song a true monster ballad. You're welcome.
5. Don't Know Much by Aaron Neville & Linda Ronstadt
Aaron Neville has a huge mole on his face but he still starts the song out by asking his lover (us) to look at his face. He knows the years are showing. The couple singing the song is obviously in love and nothing else is as important as that one fact. This song is important to me because it reaffirms my belief that love does, in fact, conquer all. Also, this was the song that got me out of a huge funk at a time when I thought I had lost all hope. I won't go into too much, I'll just say that I missed some free throws that cost my Junior Jazz team a very important game in the 9 year old division. Thanks, Aaron and Linda. You don't know how much you mean to me and my teammates.
I think that is enough for now. I hope these songs will inspire you like they have inspired me. Music truly is powerful.
06 January 2006
Baby Names
A few years ago my friend and I thought it would be a good idea to write a book about baby names. Not so much a list of baby names, more of a list of things to consider when naming a baby. I think writing a book like that is a good idea because I'm pretty sure women have babies (still trying to figure out some of the finer points) and women also love buying crap. The book could be a big seller. Also, one of the reasons I decided to go to law school was because I'm not very good at thinking of my own ideas but I am pretty good at showing other people why their ideas are stupid. So writing a book about what not to do just makes sense.
Since there is a chance we will still write the book (in the same sense that there is still a chance that I'm not fat), I'm not going to tell you everything here so you'll feel compelled to buy the book when it is published.
Here are a few of the subjects we will cover along with some thoughts on each.
Chapter 1: Your baby wasn't born a senior citizen and he or she won't be a toddler forever
Generally there are three issues with this rule. There are names that only work for kids; there are names that only work for adults (say like 35-60); and then there are names that only work for old folks.
A name that only works for a kid is Kayden. If you ever go to a professional for help (doctor, lawyer, accountant, basically anything but a sandwich artist at Subway) and the guy's name is Kayden, go somewhere else.
Brenda is a good name that won't work with kids and won't work for a senior. Brenda is a good name for a receptionist and that is about it. I have never met anyone named Brenda, so I can only hope that people have realized the problem with that name. You can see the problem with that name from 90210. They had to keep calling Brenda, Bren (or something like that).
A good example of a name reserved for seniors in Milton. Don't name your baby Milton.
Your baby will appreciate a name that can develop with them and change to their different circumstances.
Chapter 2: Avoid names that limit career options
Let the baby decide what it wants to do with its life. If you name your baby Gage he will probably end up doing construction. There isn't anything wrong with doing construction, but maybe Gage didn't want to do that and you forced it on him.
Chapter 3: You don't decide nicknames so avoid names that sound like body parts
Parents have little control over what their friends and peers call them. For example, my friend's parents wanted their kid to be called Kristopher but everyone calls him Kris. They tried to get people to call him Kristopher (it worked on me), but for the most part everyone calls him Kris.
The only control parents have for a nickname is limiting the realm of possibilities for the nicknames. If you name a kid Amos or Enis your kids will hate you and they should.
Chapter 4: Famous people and their characters
You may truly love someone famous. You may even have the restraining order to prove it. You are a parent now; you have to grow up a little bit. Don't name a baby Calista or Phoebe even if you think they are really cool names and even if you thought they were really cool names before Ally McBeal or Friends was on TV. Some names are just off limits even if you love them.
Remember that celebrities are to be mocked, not admired.
Chapter 5: Places
I have been to Cheyenne and to the Dakotas. They have one thing in common: they both suck. I don't care if names of people became names of places and you are naming the baby after the person. See the penultimate sentence of the Chapter 4 comment.
A noun is a person, place or thing. If you name your kid after a place you end up causing serious categories confusion. When you introduce Cheyenne to a group of people in Laramie they could be really confused. You see the problem.
Chapter 6: Alternate spellings
There are no points for creativity. Just spell the name like everyone else does. You shouldn't be naming the baby a name that has a bunch of accepted spellings anyway (remember Kayden?). If you don't know how to spell the name you choose, choose a different one. Even if you make a conscious decision to spell the baby's name in some crazy way, everyone will just assume you are illiterate.
Chapter 7: Literary characters
No one cares that when you were 12th grade J.D. Salinger changed the way you look at life. Don't name your kid Holden. Everyone is glad that you read, it is a skill that is vital to one's success. But your kid might think Salinger was a hack. He will forever be associated with him and hate you for it. That goes for all authors, especially Jane Austen.
Chapter 8: Consider your last name
One important thing to remember is that rhyming first and last names is a bad idea. For example, I would never name a child Fran. This might only be an issue for those of you with one syllable last names, but everyone needs to be aware of it.
It is equally important to make sure the first name/last name combo doesn't sounds like something. An example with my name would be the name Anita. It just doesn't work.
Chapter 9: Using the same letter for every kid
David St. Hubbins said it best. "It's such a fine line between stupid and clever." There was a family in our neighborhood that had seven kids and each kid's name started with K. I don't know if they were ostracized because of their names or because they all had perms (even the boys). It was probably a combination of both. But neither one did them any favors.
One of the big problems with this is that inevitably you will have to break the rule in Chapter 6 to think of a name for one of the kids.
Chapter 10: Naming your child after a quality or an attribute only means they won't have that quality or attribute
How many wholesome girls do you know named Chastity? You don't know any. Trust me on this one. Likewise, Hope will always despair; Faith won't believe a word you say; Charity will have problems with sharing. The list goes on.
If you want your daughter to grow up to be a hooker, name her Chastity. Otherwise, find something else. Maybe you could try the opposite quality or attribute and see if the rule works. Maybe name your son Cocky or something that like. That would be funny.
Well, I hope these chapters give you an idea of where we're going with the book. There are many, many more chapters that I am not including.
Naming a child shouldn't be taken lightly. If you aren't sure about a name for baby, save it for a pet.
I would be more than happy to tell you why the names you are considering are bad ideas.
Since there is a chance we will still write the book (in the same sense that there is still a chance that I'm not fat), I'm not going to tell you everything here so you'll feel compelled to buy the book when it is published.
Here are a few of the subjects we will cover along with some thoughts on each.
Chapter 1: Your baby wasn't born a senior citizen and he or she won't be a toddler forever
Generally there are three issues with this rule. There are names that only work for kids; there are names that only work for adults (say like 35-60); and then there are names that only work for old folks.
A name that only works for a kid is Kayden. If you ever go to a professional for help (doctor, lawyer, accountant, basically anything but a sandwich artist at Subway) and the guy's name is Kayden, go somewhere else.
Brenda is a good name that won't work with kids and won't work for a senior. Brenda is a good name for a receptionist and that is about it. I have never met anyone named Brenda, so I can only hope that people have realized the problem with that name. You can see the problem with that name from 90210. They had to keep calling Brenda, Bren (or something like that).
A good example of a name reserved for seniors in Milton. Don't name your baby Milton.
Your baby will appreciate a name that can develop with them and change to their different circumstances.
Chapter 2: Avoid names that limit career options
Let the baby decide what it wants to do with its life. If you name your baby Gage he will probably end up doing construction. There isn't anything wrong with doing construction, but maybe Gage didn't want to do that and you forced it on him.
Chapter 3: You don't decide nicknames so avoid names that sound like body parts
Parents have little control over what their friends and peers call them. For example, my friend's parents wanted their kid to be called Kristopher but everyone calls him Kris. They tried to get people to call him Kristopher (it worked on me), but for the most part everyone calls him Kris.
The only control parents have for a nickname is limiting the realm of possibilities for the nicknames. If you name a kid Amos or Enis your kids will hate you and they should.
Chapter 4: Famous people and their characters
You may truly love someone famous. You may even have the restraining order to prove it. You are a parent now; you have to grow up a little bit. Don't name a baby Calista or Phoebe even if you think they are really cool names and even if you thought they were really cool names before Ally McBeal or Friends was on TV. Some names are just off limits even if you love them.
Remember that celebrities are to be mocked, not admired.
Chapter 5: Places
I have been to Cheyenne and to the Dakotas. They have one thing in common: they both suck. I don't care if names of people became names of places and you are naming the baby after the person. See the penultimate sentence of the Chapter 4 comment.
A noun is a person, place or thing. If you name your kid after a place you end up causing serious categories confusion. When you introduce Cheyenne to a group of people in Laramie they could be really confused. You see the problem.
Chapter 6: Alternate spellings
There are no points for creativity. Just spell the name like everyone else does. You shouldn't be naming the baby a name that has a bunch of accepted spellings anyway (remember Kayden?). If you don't know how to spell the name you choose, choose a different one. Even if you make a conscious decision to spell the baby's name in some crazy way, everyone will just assume you are illiterate.
Chapter 7: Literary characters
No one cares that when you were 12th grade J.D. Salinger changed the way you look at life. Don't name your kid Holden. Everyone is glad that you read, it is a skill that is vital to one's success. But your kid might think Salinger was a hack. He will forever be associated with him and hate you for it. That goes for all authors, especially Jane Austen.
Chapter 8: Consider your last name
One important thing to remember is that rhyming first and last names is a bad idea. For example, I would never name a child Fran. This might only be an issue for those of you with one syllable last names, but everyone needs to be aware of it.
It is equally important to make sure the first name/last name combo doesn't sounds like something. An example with my name would be the name Anita. It just doesn't work.
Chapter 9: Using the same letter for every kid
David St. Hubbins said it best. "It's such a fine line between stupid and clever." There was a family in our neighborhood that had seven kids and each kid's name started with K. I don't know if they were ostracized because of their names or because they all had perms (even the boys). It was probably a combination of both. But neither one did them any favors.
One of the big problems with this is that inevitably you will have to break the rule in Chapter 6 to think of a name for one of the kids.
Chapter 10: Naming your child after a quality or an attribute only means they won't have that quality or attribute
How many wholesome girls do you know named Chastity? You don't know any. Trust me on this one. Likewise, Hope will always despair; Faith won't believe a word you say; Charity will have problems with sharing. The list goes on.
If you want your daughter to grow up to be a hooker, name her Chastity. Otherwise, find something else. Maybe you could try the opposite quality or attribute and see if the rule works. Maybe name your son Cocky or something that like. That would be funny.
Well, I hope these chapters give you an idea of where we're going with the book. There are many, many more chapters that I am not including.
Naming a child shouldn't be taken lightly. If you aren't sure about a name for baby, save it for a pet.
I would be more than happy to tell you why the names you are considering are bad ideas.
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