Missed Opportunities

When I was three years-old my grandma asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I told her I wanted to be a black baseball player. If the opportunity presented itself, I think I would still like to pursue that career option, but I think the window might have closed on that dream.

When I was in high school I was pretty sure that I wanted to be a pilot. One problem, I'm blind. Not legally blind, but trust me, you wouldn't want me flying anything.

I think being a lawyer will be fun, so I'm happy with where I ended up. But sometimes I wonder if I have missed a better opportunity. What if kicking dogs and evicting old ladies isn't what I was born to do? I mean, I feel like it is, but second guessing is second nature for me. What if I made a mistake?

I think I would be a pretty awesome battle rapper. First, I look pretty tough in a hooded sweatshirt and I like new tennis shoes (I call shoes walkawear). I'm not a very good dancer, despite having some formal dance training, but I am pretty good at bobbing up and down to music. Sometimes I can shimmy too. I think that is all I would need to be a battle rapper. The only thing I might need is a rhyming dictionary, but I can handle that. Maybe I shouldn't close the door on this one. Maybe I should just watch 8 Mile less and do some more homework?

The other thing I think I would be good at is hosting QVC or HSN (the jokers on Shop NBC aren't even worth the time it would take to send a resume). The missus and I got cable a few months ago and since then I have been hooked on QVC. I watch it a lot and the more I watch the more I think I would be a pretty good host. I have studied the other hosts, I even have some favorites (click on Bob Bowerbox, he's my favorite), and I think I could do a good job. For example, this is how I would sell sheets: "Folks, when you buy sheets from QVC you're buying luxury. Treat yourself to oppulence. Look, we live in a world where certainty is hard to find. There are world conflicts, there is hunger, there is poverty, the world can be very ugly. It is time to treat yourself to certainty. Treat yourself to beauty. Treat yourself to these 1200 thread count sheets. I have had these sheets on my bed for three years and I can tell you, I have certainly noticed a difference. I sleep better, I feel refreshed in the morning, and my wife has conceived eight times. You're not buying sheets, you're buying a lifestyle. Make the call now. For the first time we have these sheets offered with the Equalpay option. For $129.99 plus shipping you are investing in happiness, satisfaction, luxury, and maybe, just maybe doing your part to make this world a better place."

See. I would be pretty good. You should see me sell pots and pans.

I'm sure I'll never do anything about either one of these dreams. But it is good to know that if my passion for the law ends up biting me in the behind, I have other dreams to pursue.

Songs I Love

Sometimes I worry that my blog will take an exclusively negative tone. Since I think people who always find the crap in everyday life and ignore the good things are missing the point of life, I've decided to write a blog that is postive.

To that end, I have decided to list some songs that I love. These songs hold a special place in my heart. Maybe if you remember the songs and understand why they are so important to me, you'll have a better day.

1. My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion

I love this song for a few reasons. First, it reminds me of my favorite movie of all time, Titanic. Second, it is the song that played in the background when I proposed to my wife. Finally, it was the song we (my wife and I) chose to play on a constant loop at the reception after our wedding. Oh, and we also had it on repeat in our car for the first six weeks of our marriage.

2. Safety Dance by Men Without Hats

Sss-Aaa-Fff-Eee-Ttt-Yyy. I live by three rules: 1) Love like you have never been hurt. 2) Live like there is no tomorrow. 3) Dance like no one is watching. I don't need to remind you about the importance of dancing, I'll let Ren from "Footloose" do that. We can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind. Ivan Doroschuk's words have become my words. I have always enjoyed this song, but one event in my life gives it special meaning; a date with a really cool girl. I thought we had a great time (by the way, it was a blind date) and I was really looking forward to going out with her again. When I took her to her house at the end of the date, I was sure I had a repeat customer. Oh man, was I wrong. I pride myself on enjoying awkward moments, but this one was bad. When I asked her if she would like to go out again she said that she didn't date bald guys. I know! Ouch! I didn't know what to say. There was silence for probably close to a minute. Then all of the sudden I knew what I was supposed to do. I was supposed to dance. Right on her porch. There wasn't any music or anything, just me and my feelings. I'd like to think I put that one right back in her eye.

3. Women by Def Leppard

This is a good song because not only is it catchy, but it also explains the story the Creation way better than the Bible. Women, women, lots of willing women. This song isn't all that inspiring, but it does help me understand life.

4. Something to Believe In by Poison

This an excellent song about social injustice, faith, and the desire to improve the condition of the common man. Brett Michaels could probably single-handedly save the human race if he were called upon to do so. Combine his uncanny ability to succinctly explain complicated issues (not to mention excellent piano skills) with C.C. DeVille's catchy riffs and you have a song that will stand the test of time. I should also confess that I had a hand in writing that song. Brett, C.C., Rikki, and Bobby were in the studio and knew they were close to a hit with this song, but something was missing. I suggested they bring in a Baptist choir and add the "You take the high road/I'll take the low road" to the end of the song. I'd like to think that I had a hand in making that song a true monster ballad. You're welcome.

5. Don't Know Much by Aaron Neville & Linda Ronstadt

Aaron Neville has a huge mole on his face but he still starts the song out by asking his lover (us) to look at his face. He knows the years are showing. The couple singing the song is obviously in love and nothing else is as important as that one fact. This song is important to me because it reaffirms my belief that love does, in fact, conquer all. Also, this was the song that got me out of a huge funk at a time when I thought I had lost all hope. I won't go into too much, I'll just say that I missed some free throws that cost my Junior Jazz team a very important game in the 9 year old division. Thanks, Aaron and Linda. You don't know how much you mean to me and my teammates.


I think that is enough for now. I hope these songs will inspire you like they have inspired me. Music truly is powerful.

Baby Names

A few years ago my friend and I thought it would be a good idea to write a book about baby names. Not so much a list of baby names, more of a list of things to consider when naming a baby. I think writing a book like that is a good idea because I'm pretty sure women have babies (still trying to figure out some of the finer points) and women also love buying crap. The book could be a big seller. Also, one of the reasons I decided to go to law school was because I'm not very good at thinking of my own ideas but I am pretty good at showing other people why their ideas are stupid. So writing a book about what not to do just makes sense.

Since there is a chance we will still write the book (in the same sense that there is still a chance that I'm not fat), I'm not going to tell you everything here so you'll feel compelled to buy the book when it is published.

Here are a few of the subjects we will cover along with some thoughts on each.

Chapter 1: Your baby wasn't born a senior citizen and he or she won't be a toddler forever

Generally there are three issues with this rule. There are names that only work for kids; there are names that only work for adults (say like 35-60); and then there are names that only work for old folks.

A name that only works for a kid is Kayden. If you ever go to a professional for help (doctor, lawyer, accountant, basically anything but a sandwich artist at Subway) and the guy's name is Kayden, go somewhere else.

Brenda is a good name that won't work with kids and won't work for a senior. Brenda is a good name for a receptionist and that is about it. I have never met anyone named Brenda, so I can only hope that people have realized the problem with that name. You can see the problem with that name from 90210. They had to keep calling Brenda, Bren (or something like that).

A good example of a name reserved for seniors in Milton. Don't name your baby Milton.

Your baby will appreciate a name that can develop with them and change to their different circumstances.

Chapter 2: Avoid names that limit career options

Let the baby decide what it wants to do with its life. If you name your baby Gage he will probably end up doing construction. There isn't anything wrong with doing construction, but maybe Gage didn't want to do that and you forced it on him.

Chapter 3: You don't decide nicknames so avoid names that sound like body parts

Parents have little control over what their friends and peers call them. For example, my friend's parents wanted their kid to be called Kristopher but everyone calls him Kris. They tried to get people to call him Kristopher (it worked on me), but for the most part everyone calls him Kris.

The only control parents have for a nickname is limiting the realm of possibilities for the nicknames. If you name a kid Amos or Enis your kids will hate you and they should.

Chapter 4: Famous people and their characters

You may truly love someone famous. You may even have the restraining order to prove it. You are a parent now; you have to grow up a little bit. Don't name a baby Calista or Phoebe even if you think they are really cool names and even if you thought they were really cool names before Ally McBeal or Friends was on TV. Some names are just off limits even if you love them.

Remember that celebrities are to be mocked, not admired.

Chapter 5: Places

I have been to Cheyenne and to the Dakotas. They have one thing in common: they both suck. I don't care if names of people became names of places and you are naming the baby after the person. See the penultimate sentence of the Chapter 4 comment.

A noun is a person, place or thing. If you name your kid after a place you end up causing serious categories confusion. When you introduce Cheyenne to a group of people in Laramie they could be really confused. You see the problem.

Chapter 6: Alternate spellings

There are no points for creativity. Just spell the name like everyone else does. You shouldn't be naming the baby a name that has a bunch of accepted spellings anyway (remember Kayden?). If you don't know how to spell the name you choose, choose a different one. Even if you make a conscious decision to spell the baby's name in some crazy way, everyone will just assume you are illiterate.

Chapter 7: Literary characters

No one cares that when you were 12th grade J.D. Salinger changed the way you look at life. Don't name your kid Holden. Everyone is glad that you read, it is a skill that is vital to one's success. But your kid might think Salinger was a hack. He will forever be associated with him and hate you for it. That goes for all authors, especially Jane Austen.

Chapter 8: Consider your last name

One important thing to remember is that rhyming first and last names is a bad idea. For example, I would never name a child Fran. This might only be an issue for those of you with one syllable last names, but everyone needs to be aware of it.

It is equally important to make sure the first name/last name combo doesn't sounds like something. An example with my name would be the name Anita. It just doesn't work.


Chapter 9: Using the same letter for every kid

David St. Hubbins said it best. "It's such a fine line between stupid and clever." There was a family in our neighborhood that had seven kids and each kid's name started with K. I don't know if they were ostracized because of their names or because they all had perms (even the boys). It was probably a combination of both. But neither one did them any favors.

One of the big problems with this is that inevitably you will have to break the rule in Chapter 6 to think of a name for one of the kids.

Chapter 10: Naming your child after a quality or an attribute only means they won't have that quality or attribute

How many wholesome girls do you know named Chastity? You don't know any. Trust me on this one. Likewise, Hope will always despair; Faith won't believe a word you say; Charity will have problems with sharing. The list goes on.

If you want your daughter to grow up to be a hooker, name her Chastity. Otherwise, find something else. Maybe you could try the opposite quality or attribute and see if the rule works. Maybe name your son Cocky or something that like. That would be funny.

Well, I hope these chapters give you an idea of where we're going with the book. There are many, many more chapters that I am not including.

Naming a child shouldn't be taken lightly. If you aren't sure about a name for baby, save it for a pet.

I would be more than happy to tell you why the names you are considering are bad ideas.

Not Necessarily The News

When the missus and I moved to Eugene, we had to get used to some things. For example, Eugeneans suffer from yield confusion. To clarify, a Eugenean is a resident of Eugene and as far as I know it has nothing, or at least very little, to do with eugenics. Somewhere in the drivers' education curriculum someone has confused yield with merge and consequently no Eugenean understands the difference. This has been a source of constant frustration for me and may warrant another post later on. But I need to talk about a more important issue. The news.

I love watching the news. For national news I turn to the CBS Evening News with Bob Schiefer. Bob is a great anchor. He has all the qualities that one must possess in order to present the news to the Nation. He has the voice, the looks, the style, even the intangibles. I would argue that no one has mastered the craft of witty banter quite as well as Mr. Schiefer. Granted, Dan Rather was quick with some pretty wild similes, but that dude was a one trick pony. No, for my money nothing beats Bob Schiefer. A truly great American.

When the national news is over it is time for local news. We aren't too far away from Portland, but all of the local news here is produced and broadcast right in Eugene. Some would argue that having news stations in Eugene helps people to get the information that is important to them. Those people are wrong. The news is so bad here that even if there was an important story (and there hasn't been in over a year), the news would screw it up somehow and no one would ever hear it.

Do you ever watch those bloopers shows on TV? Don't pretend like you're better than me, I know you watch them. Anyway, at least 20% of the news bloopers are from Eugene news. When I was in sixth grade I had to create a news report with some classmates. We used my uncle's video camera and filmed in my living room. The lighting sucked, the microphones didn't work, and the delivery of the news was less than stellar. It was right on par with Eugene news.

Here are just some of my favorite moments from Eugene news:

One time on the evening news the weatherman started choking during the weather. The director quickly changed cameras but you could still hear old Joe choking in the background. It turned out the rascal had sneaked some nuts in with him. I can just picture him with his suit pockets full of nuts. I bet the director had warned him about it too. "Joseph, you better not be sneaking nuts. I'll be damned if we're going to have another nut-fiasco on our hands." But that man likes nuts. You can't tell a bear to not eat the honey and you can't tell Joseph to not snack on nuts while he is waiting to do the weather. He was probably just as bored as the rest of us watching the news and just wanted to stay awake. I think that is probably my most cherished memory of Eugene so far.

Not too long ago the lead story on the news was about a missing dog. A missing dog? Who decided that was the most important story of the day? For a minute I thought that maybe it was the news anchor's dog or something. A missing dog? Who gives a crap? Maybe the person who lost the dog cares, but no one else does. Besides, shouldn't the person who lost the dog be out looking for the dog and not calling the news to do a story about it? I cannot believe that a missing dog was the most important news of the day. Didn't anyone drown in the river? What about a house fire? No meth labs were discovered? I guess hippies just really love their dogs.

One last fun story. I told you about the weatherman with the nut problem, but there is another weatherman who suffers from an even more serious ailment: he doesn't understand weather. There are innumerable examples from this joker, but the best was just the other day. It has been cold the past few weeks and he was going over the current conditions in Oregon. He got most of the numbers right and then he got to Bend. The temperature was zero, but he said, "Currently in Bend there is no temperature." Now, I don't need to tell you that temperature is a measure of the average kinetic energy of the particles in a sample of matter, expressed in terms of units or degrees designated on a standard scale. That is science. So there is no way that there could ever be no temperature. The weatherman paused for a second probably to think about how he is able to take complex scientific concepts and explain them in a way that the average person can grasp them. It was pretty rad.

Anyway, I'd love to hear about your favorite news personality or story.

Welcome

Come on in. Have a seat. I hope you feel comfortable. Do you need a drink? Maybe a snack? Anything? I want this to be a welcoming place. A place where we can get together and discuss the issues that are important to you. A place where you can come to understand all of the issues that make this world confusing and scary. I promise you will have a good time. And you might learn something too!

Topics? Well, thanks for asking. I chose this URL to reflect my goal of informing the masses. Some other blogs are authored by hipsters who want to give you a piece of their mind (they usually write "peace" but they mean piece). Other blogs are just another way to waste time with mindless chit-chat. Actually, now that I think about it, those guys are on to something. I'll probably do the same things, but try to keep the spelling errors to a minimum.