Nathan Jr.

A Disgusting Display

Occasionally, news from the NBA makes it into network news broadcasts. It used to be that the story was about the celebration of an NBA season finally ending (some people say it is because of the championship, but I know it is a celebration of not having to watch any more basketball games for a few months). In recent years the biggest stories from the NBA have been about the off-court antics of the league's biggest stars. It is disheartening to know that young men who have such promise are willing to risk everything on stupid mistakes.

Besides all of the off-court crap, in the past few years NBA stars have started bringing their reckless behavior onto the court and into the crowds with fist fights.

The most recent episode was last week during the New York Knicks versus Denver Nuggets game. The details of the fight aren't really important; it is sufficient to know that a hard foul at the end of the game turned into a bench-clearing brawl between the two teams. Here is a video of it:

The NBA currently has a reputation problem and when players fight it only exacerbates that problem. This morning, David Stern, the NBA's commissioner, announced fines and suspensions for players that were involved in the latest fight. In a press release Mr. Stern said, "The NBA and its players represent a game of extraordinary skill, athleticism and grace, and, for good or bad, set an example for the entire basketball world, on and off the court, [when our player are seen fighting like girls, it reflects poorly not only on the NBA but on all basketball players and fan throughout the world. Until these guys can learn to fight like men, we will continue to fine and suspend players. I have seen better fights between pre-school girls. I don't really want to get into the complete lack of technique exhibited by our players, but I think Carmelo had his thumb tucked into his fist when he threw that punch. Then, he turns and runs like a baby. Unbelievable.]"

The NBA tries really hard to appeal to inner-city youth. There really isn't much natural appeal for kids who lead fairly rough lives to be interested in a game played by privileged, millionaire whiners. To relate to the kids, the NBA encourages its athletes to lead a "thug life." So the players go to strip clubs, release crappy rap albums, and star in movies. Then a few players lose it on the court, get in a fight, punch like girls, run away from each other, and set the League's "street cred" back a few years (not to mention a few million dollars in merchandise).

During their suspensions, players are sent to fight training schools to practice throwing punches and learn that even if you are going to lose a fight, it is better to stand there and get your butt kicked than it is to run away. Unfortunately, it isn't working. This latest fight taught us that the players have not learned the lessons they were supposed to learn after the Pisons versus Pacers fight two years ago.

Some argue that the disgusting display isn't that the players can't fight, but that they lose control to the point that they resort to fighting. That is a misguided assumption. There is plenty of fighting in other professional sports and it is totally acceptable. So the problem can't be that the fights are happening in the NBA, but that when the fights do happen, the players embarrass themselves with their limp-wristed fighting style.

In real sports, the players know how to fight and fighting is just part of the game. Sure there are suspensions, fines, and penalties, but those are only enforced to appease casual viewers who don't know how integral fighting is to those sports. In fact, in baseball, players who are suspended for charging the mound or beaning batters serve their "suspension" in the Bahamas.

Basketball sucks for a lot of reasons. In fact, there are too many reasons to list in this blog. Although parts of it will always suck (the length of the season, boring games, chest-bumping), the NBA could do themselves a huge favor by teaching the players how to fight like grown men. That's all.

Here are some videos of real athletes in real fights.





Oh, and here is a VMI cheerleader teaching a Citadel cadet a lesson.

Baby Basics - Debra Style

Occasionally the thought crosses my mind that I could live in Eugene after school is over. I mean, the summers are pretty nice (if you have A/C), and the winters aren't all that bad. Sure, it rains a lot, but it isn't like I'm going to go outside and exercise or anything. I might walk to the car, but that's about it. And I say "might" because as soon as I can afford a Rascal, I won't be walking anywhere. That translates to even less time spent out in the elements.

Lizzy isn't too keen on the idea of sticking around here a day longer than we have to. And to be honest, even though I sometimes think Eugene doesn't suck that bad, as soon as I catch a whiff of nature's smelling salts, I quickly snap out of my delusions.

If all goes to plan, Nathan Jr. will be here in six weeks or so. In an effort to not cause any unnecessary damage to him, we thought it would be a good idea to take some classes about childbirth and baby care. We started on Monday and it was great. Our teacher, Heidi, did a great job and we're looking forward to going back to more classes taught by her. Last night we went to a class taught by Debra. Debra has bought into the whole "nature's way is better" and all that bull sh*t. Needless to say, Debra was the smelling salts I needed to awake from the fog of thinking Eugene isn't that bad.

Here is a taste of Baby Basics - Debra Style:

1. Circumcision is only for Jews.

You may not know this, but circumcision is for people who live in deserts and don't shower very often. In fact, very few cultures circumcise their male babies. Debra tried hard to conceal her contempt for those who choose to circumcise, but it was pretty clear that she is not a fan. Apparently, the trend nowadays is to not circumcise babies, especially in the Pacific Northwest.

Despite her best efforts, Deb didn't convince me to allow Nathan Jr. to be a Snuffleupagus or an anteater, choose your euphemism. Circumcision is a cosmetic procedure, but it is not an elective cosmetic procedure; it is pretty much necessary. Also, Mormons love to compare themselves to Jews (Sidenote: if you think I should be saying Jewish people, I disagree. Please see BA's insightful comments on Jews/Jewish People). If Orrin Hatch can hang a Mezzuzah on his door post, I can have my kid circumcised.

2. Olive oil cures everything.

What's that? You think Johnson and Johnson is trying to control the universe one baby bath at a time? You're right! All you need is a little olive oil. It is probably pretty hard to hold a soapy baby, but I bet a greased up baby is a lot harder to hold. I think the idea was just dump some olive oil on the baby and let the flies clean it. Look, it doesn't make sense to me either, but that is the best I can come up with.

3. When possible, take your shirt off to hold the baby.

Apparently you can only bond with a baby if it can see your nipples. This is true for both mom and dad. Babies need to feel loved and nothing says love like a pasty, white, bare chest. Also, if possible, grow some more chest hair. Maybe I will be a bad parent, but I don't think Nathan Jr. will ever see me with my shirt off. Not only is it gross, but it is also confusing for babies. Some nipples produce milk, some don't; and as far as a baby can tell, they probably look very similar. Sometimes I can barely tell the difference.

Deb did a great job pushing her agenda. I'm sure families following her suggestions will do just fine. Maybe she is right. Maybe babies will only bond with you if they can eat whatever is caught in your chest hair. Maybe olive oil really does replace every man-made product (although olive oil isn't entirely completely natural, I mean, someone had to press the olives, right?). Maybe Nathan Jr. will be the only kid who is circumcised because "the trend is towards not circumcising." If that turns out to be the case, I'm OK with it. He'll appreciate being the only kid whose parents loved him enough that they decided that he could learn enough about smegma from Wikipedia.

Oh, and we're not staying in Eugene a day longer than we have to.

NPR Asks for Your Donations

NPR is currently doing its annual (or is it monthly?) donation drive.

This is the worst time to listen to NPR for several reasons. First, all the regularly-scheduled programs are interrupted by NPR lackies to ask for money. Second, suggested contributions are always compared to the current price of a latte. Third, the DJs (or whatever they are called) use guilt totally ineffectively.

I have never contributed to NPR and I probably never will. If NPR weren't on the radio, I could find something else to listen to. And another thing, what is so bad about having NPR run commercials? I mean the donation drive takes up as much time as commercials do anyway.

When you get right down to it, NPR won't get any money from me because the stories they run aren't that great and I can get the news from a million other sources. If NPR starts running some good stories, I'll start donating.

Here's an example:

Time with the Missus

Lizzy loves the Gilmore Girls. I hate it. Because she is always watching the show, I decided that to save our marriage I need to do something drastic. Here is the solution:

Das Gemüse. The Vegetables. Das Gemüse.

If you're going to run against the Cannon machine in the third congressional district in Utah, you'd better be pretty creative. Or rich. Or insanely conservative. Or all of the above. Christian Burridge is this year's Democratic challenger to Chris Cannon and, although he seems like a really, really nice guy, Mr. Burridge doesn't seem to have any of the attributes mentioned above.

What Burridge does have is a camcorder, some sweet Michael McClean music, and the love and adoration of his family and close friends. Burridge ripped off Called To Serve and made an awesome video highlighting some of the qualities that prove he can do well in Congress.

Here it is:

Burridge for Congress

I was hoping for a scene or two with Mr. Burridge riding his bike in a suit or perhaps ogling the one hot sister missionary in the MTC (I guess that is a complaint with Mr. Burridge's version and the original Church-produced version of Called to Serve as well).

I did like that his former missionary companion implies that he "came out" to Mr. Burridge on the mission. Also of note is Mrs. Burridge's intimation that her husband has to dumb things down for her to understand what he is talking about.

I wish this guy all the success in the world. Chris Cannon sucks. Vote Burridge!

Worst Day Ever

I missed My Name is Earl and The Office, but I made it home to watch Grey's Anatomy. Once during baseball practice I took a one-hopper in the goods that hit hard enough to crack my cup. That hurt, but the dull, throbbing, lingering pain I'm feeling in my gut right now is much worse than the pain of that day.

A regular episode of Grey's Anatomy is bad, but an episode of Grey's Anatomy that rips off Lost is much, much worse.

So Grey's Anatomy sucks. Why can't Ronald Miller just be Ronald Miller? Why can't Robin just be Robin? Why can't the black guy from the The Practice just be the black guy from The Practice? Why can't Rocky Dennis just be Rocky Dennis? Why is there only one asian doctor and no asian patients in a Seattle hospital? Maybe I shouldn't ponder the imponderable?

Anyway, since I'm just re-hashing old garbage (like the producers of Grey's Anatomy) here are some pics I have previously posted of Rosie.

Ladies, Can We Be Honest?

For most law students, the fall of their second year is the first time they learn first-hand just how awful interviewing can be. Right now, the second years are doing mock interviews with lawyers from Eugene to perfect their interviewing skills before they have real interviews. I guess it is a good idea, but I'm a little troubled by the lack of feedback the participants receive. Usually, you interview with the person and then they take a few minutes to say things like, "Don't say 'um' so much." or, "Consider washing off a little of the patchouli before you do a real interview." (Maybe that is just at the U of O?)

Now, I know I am not the font of all successful interviewing knowledge, but I do have a tip - STOP! Hammer Time! - for my female counterparts as they start the stressful process of finding a summer job: Please, do not wear a pant suit.

I'm all for women having careers and blah, blah, blah. But a pant suit is sending the wrong message. Somewhere, sometime, some career services advisor told you that a pant suit would convey to a potential employer that you are assertive, strong-willed, and professional. That career services advisor was wrong. A pant suit conveys one message: You're dating Rosie.

But more than that, there are some real problems with pant suits. First, well, first is the whole lesbian thing. Second, no one looks good in a pant suit. Here are some professional models wearing pant suits. Trust me; this is as good as pant suits can possibly look. Here is a gal sitting in a pant suit. This one is giving a "thumbs up." Thumbs ups are for suckers. Peek-a-boo! OK, maybe she doesn't have a pant suit on, but I couldn't pass up that one. This one is trying to sleep her way up to the top. See, they just don't look right. Finally, why are you wearing pants if you don't have to? I don't know any guy who wouldn't prefer to wear a skirt if he could. I mean the ventilation alone is worth it. And poor ventilation can lead to very, very bad things.

So, do yourselves a favor. Wear a skirt whenever you can. Employers will appreciate it. You'll feel better. Trust me, I'm a dude, I know these things.

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Learning a foreign language is very valuable. I was lucky enough to learn German as a missionary in Austria. When I returned I majored in German at the University of Utah (otherwise known as the Harvard of the west). Unfortunately, since I have been out of the German program at the U., there really hasn't been a lot of opportunities to speak the language and without practice, things go downhill very quickly.

Every once in a while I will hear a German interview on TV. It is usually on the History Channel and more often than not it an old German guy talking about how Hitler duped his countrymen into pursing the Final Solution. Even though most of what is said is just regurgitated excuses, it is nice to hear German and pretend, even for just a minute, that I am a better translator than the one the History Channel hired.

One thing that has become a huge pet peeve of mine is the current use of "uber" in English. If you read cool magazines like Rolling Stone and GQ or if you watch MTV at all, you have come across this word. Typically, an English-speaker uses the word as a superlative to replace "super." Those people are idiots.

In German "ueber" (I don't know how to use umlauts on blogger) means many different things. Most German words are just combinations of other words. For example, "backen" mean "to bake", "Stein" mean "rock", so "Backstein" means "brick." See, you just build words out of other words. "Ueber" is a preposition when used alone (it can mean about, above, across, at, beyond, by, etc.), it can also be an adverb (again, tons of different meanings depending on context), and it can be a prefix to a noun.

I think the prefix to a noun part is where cool guys distort the meaning of the word. The concept of an "Uebermensch" comes from Friedrich Nietzsche. You can read about it all on Wikipedia if you want, but for the purposes of this blog it is sufficient to say that "Uebermensch" translates to "super-human" or, as it is commonly mistranslated, "super-man."

I think the current misuse of the word started with Dana Carvey in Wayne's World when he referred to Claudia Schiffer as an "uber-babe." It appears that the same guy that helped popularize the "not joke" is responsible for the "uber" phenomenon as well. The difference is that "not jokes" are comedy gold, but "uber" is retarded. Not even Carvey, who hasn't made a dime since Wayne's World 2, is cautious about using words from that era.

Now other tools (here , and here) are using the word and convincing impressionable youths that using the word to mean "super" is perfectly acceptable and even sometimes the coolest superlative ever conceived. By the by, at BYU a tool is called a silky boner. I understand these guys don't know any better, but I really wish that we could stop this madness.

If you routinely use the word "uber," you need to stop immediately. I promise that you will feel better about yourself. You didn't believe me when I told you to take off the stupid pucca shell necklace, but now that you are employable, you know that I was right. If you know someone who has used the word, tell them that there is hope for them too. With all of the madness in the world, we need to find some common ground to build upon. I suggest that the common ground we can all agree on is that "uber" should not be used to mean "super."

Thanks for your time. NOT!

Morgan Spurlock Sucks

I love documentaries. When I was in 7th grade Ken Burns' Civil War was on PBS and I loved every second it. The same goes for Burns' Baseball series. During my glorious seven month stay in the Austria Vienna Mission Home I watch Trail of Hope: The Story of the Mormon Trail at least once per week. A few months ago Netflix mistakenly sent us a documentary (I don't remember the name) in the sleeve of another movie. The documentary was about a kiddie fiddler (is that Dave Coulier?), a subject I generally try to avoid, but the story was still interesting.

My brother just finished making a documentary about Helper, Utah. That doesn't have much to do with what I want to talk about, but I figured this is the most advertising he is going to get, so I might as well throw it out there. Look for it on KUED sometime soon!

Back to the business at hand.

Documentaries have become mainstream in the last few years. I guess we can thank Michael Moore for most of the current buzz about documentaries. Michael Moore isn't a typical documentarian because he usually tries to make himself central to whatever story he is trying to tell. It worked for him for a long time. Roger & Me is a great film and Bowling for Columbine was pretty good too. I admit I haven't seen Fahrenheit 9/11 mostly because I think Moore went too far with it (not the story, because I haven't seen it, but the promotion). In fact, I don't know that anyone remembers much about that movie except that Michael Moore hates President Bush. You don't really need to make a documentary about that.

I think Moore has lost some relevence and will continue to do so as long as he makes his films about how liberal his views are and how messed up the current administration is. The only thing that is saving Moore from being the joke of the documentary world is Morgan Spurlock.

Spurlock is an idiot.

Supersize Me was a load of crap. Spurlock didn't really tell a story, he came up with a conclusion and then create an "experiment" to guarantee a result. If there is one thing I know, it is how to order at McDonald's. Spurlock went over the top with his menu choices to guarantee that he would get fat. No one ever orders an apple pie AND a sundae. Come on, Morgan. Because he went so over the top he really hurt his credibility. And it was probably unnecessarily over the top because he likely would have had similar results (although perhaps not as extreme) if he had just ordered like a regular person. I'm a fat man and the Number 2 supersized was all it took for me to get that way. Morgan also had other "side effects" from eating exclusively at McDonald's. He was lethargic, battled headaches and depression, and had a hard time "performing" for his girlfriend. Maybe "hard" is the wrong word? Morgan, who likely has not completed a lot of courses in scientific research, made a fundamental mistake with his conclusions in Supersize Me. He contributed most of the adverse health effects to McDonald's less-than-healthy food when I would argue, in my scientific opinion, that 75-80% of Morgan's problems stem from being a pussy, not from eating fatty foods.

Now Spurlock has a show on F/X called 30 Days. The idea is that someone lives a life other than the one they are used to. Morgan decided to live the life of a person on minimum wage. Then he went on Oprah to talk about it. During Morgan's 30 days as a minimum wage earner he got sick and had to go to a hospital. Since people who make minimum wage don't have insurance, he decided to not have insurance. Morgan makes some conclusions about why minimum wage laws are so bad, but I'm not exactly sure what he is arguing. On Oprah he said Americans need to write their representatives in Congress to ask them to address the issue. It isn't clear if he is talking about minimum wage laws, universal healthcare, poor people in general, or something else. I don't think he really thought that far ahead, and he probably doesn't care. I guess the conclusion is that capitalism sucks.

The worst part about Spurlock is that some people who might agree with some of his arguments (if they can figure out exactly what he is arguing) are turned off by him because he goes to extremes. But, then again, I guess a documentary that concludes with a rational discussion of pros and cons of fundamental social change is sort of boring.

The reason for this blog is to warn my loyal reader to watch out for Morgan Spurlock because he sucks.

Here is a list of documentaries you should check out if you want to be as smart as I am:

The Merchants of Cool (you can find it on Frontline's website on pbs.org along with a lot of other interesting stories)
Spellbound
Roger & Me
Murderball
Anything by Ken Burns
New York Doll
Murder on a Sunday Morning

Any I'm missing?