NPR Asks for Your Donations

NPR is currently doing its annual (or is it monthly?) donation drive.

This is the worst time to listen to NPR for several reasons. First, all the regularly-scheduled programs are interrupted by NPR lackies to ask for money. Second, suggested contributions are always compared to the current price of a latte. Third, the DJs (or whatever they are called) use guilt totally ineffectively.

I have never contributed to NPR and I probably never will. If NPR weren't on the radio, I could find something else to listen to. And another thing, what is so bad about having NPR run commercials? I mean the donation drive takes up as much time as commercials do anyway.

When you get right down to it, NPR won't get any money from me because the stories they run aren't that great and I can get the news from a million other sources. If NPR starts running some good stories, I'll start donating.

Here's an example:

Time with the Missus

Lizzy loves the Gilmore Girls. I hate it. Because she is always watching the show, I decided that to save our marriage I need to do something drastic. Here is the solution:

Das Gemüse. The Vegetables. Das Gemüse.

If you're going to run against the Cannon machine in the third congressional district in Utah, you'd better be pretty creative. Or rich. Or insanely conservative. Or all of the above. Christian Burridge is this year's Democratic challenger to Chris Cannon and, although he seems like a really, really nice guy, Mr. Burridge doesn't seem to have any of the attributes mentioned above.

What Burridge does have is a camcorder, some sweet Michael McClean music, and the love and adoration of his family and close friends. Burridge ripped off Called To Serve and made an awesome video highlighting some of the qualities that prove he can do well in Congress.

Here it is:

Burridge for Congress

I was hoping for a scene or two with Mr. Burridge riding his bike in a suit or perhaps ogling the one hot sister missionary in the MTC (I guess that is a complaint with Mr. Burridge's version and the original Church-produced version of Called to Serve as well).

I did like that his former missionary companion implies that he "came out" to Mr. Burridge on the mission. Also of note is Mrs. Burridge's intimation that her husband has to dumb things down for her to understand what he is talking about.

I wish this guy all the success in the world. Chris Cannon sucks. Vote Burridge!

Worst Day Ever

I missed My Name is Earl and The Office, but I made it home to watch Grey's Anatomy. Once during baseball practice I took a one-hopper in the goods that hit hard enough to crack my cup. That hurt, but the dull, throbbing, lingering pain I'm feeling in my gut right now is much worse than the pain of that day.

A regular episode of Grey's Anatomy is bad, but an episode of Grey's Anatomy that rips off Lost is much, much worse.

So Grey's Anatomy sucks. Why can't Ronald Miller just be Ronald Miller? Why can't Robin just be Robin? Why can't the black guy from the The Practice just be the black guy from The Practice? Why can't Rocky Dennis just be Rocky Dennis? Why is there only one asian doctor and no asian patients in a Seattle hospital? Maybe I shouldn't ponder the imponderable?

Anyway, since I'm just re-hashing old garbage (like the producers of Grey's Anatomy) here are some pics I have previously posted of Rosie.

Ladies, Can We Be Honest?

For most law students, the fall of their second year is the first time they learn first-hand just how awful interviewing can be. Right now, the second years are doing mock interviews with lawyers from Eugene to perfect their interviewing skills before they have real interviews. I guess it is a good idea, but I'm a little troubled by the lack of feedback the participants receive. Usually, you interview with the person and then they take a few minutes to say things like, "Don't say 'um' so much." or, "Consider washing off a little of the patchouli before you do a real interview." (Maybe that is just at the U of O?)

Now, I know I am not the font of all successful interviewing knowledge, but I do have a tip - STOP! Hammer Time! - for my female counterparts as they start the stressful process of finding a summer job: Please, do not wear a pant suit.

I'm all for women having careers and blah, blah, blah. But a pant suit is sending the wrong message. Somewhere, sometime, some career services advisor told you that a pant suit would convey to a potential employer that you are assertive, strong-willed, and professional. That career services advisor was wrong. A pant suit conveys one message: You're dating Rosie.

But more than that, there are some real problems with pant suits. First, well, first is the whole lesbian thing. Second, no one looks good in a pant suit. Here are some professional models wearing pant suits. Trust me; this is as good as pant suits can possibly look. Here is a gal sitting in a pant suit. This one is giving a "thumbs up." Thumbs ups are for suckers. Peek-a-boo! OK, maybe she doesn't have a pant suit on, but I couldn't pass up that one. This one is trying to sleep her way up to the top. See, they just don't look right. Finally, why are you wearing pants if you don't have to? I don't know any guy who wouldn't prefer to wear a skirt if he could. I mean the ventilation alone is worth it. And poor ventilation can lead to very, very bad things.

So, do yourselves a favor. Wear a skirt whenever you can. Employers will appreciate it. You'll feel better. Trust me, I'm a dude, I know these things.

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Learning a foreign language is very valuable. I was lucky enough to learn German as a missionary in Austria. When I returned I majored in German at the University of Utah (otherwise known as the Harvard of the west). Unfortunately, since I have been out of the German program at the U., there really hasn't been a lot of opportunities to speak the language and without practice, things go downhill very quickly.

Every once in a while I will hear a German interview on TV. It is usually on the History Channel and more often than not it an old German guy talking about how Hitler duped his countrymen into pursing the Final Solution. Even though most of what is said is just regurgitated excuses, it is nice to hear German and pretend, even for just a minute, that I am a better translator than the one the History Channel hired.

One thing that has become a huge pet peeve of mine is the current use of "uber" in English. If you read cool magazines like Rolling Stone and GQ or if you watch MTV at all, you have come across this word. Typically, an English-speaker uses the word as a superlative to replace "super." Those people are idiots.

In German "ueber" (I don't know how to use umlauts on blogger) means many different things. Most German words are just combinations of other words. For example, "backen" mean "to bake", "Stein" mean "rock", so "Backstein" means "brick." See, you just build words out of other words. "Ueber" is a preposition when used alone (it can mean about, above, across, at, beyond, by, etc.), it can also be an adverb (again, tons of different meanings depending on context), and it can be a prefix to a noun.

I think the prefix to a noun part is where cool guys distort the meaning of the word. The concept of an "Uebermensch" comes from Friedrich Nietzsche. You can read about it all on Wikipedia if you want, but for the purposes of this blog it is sufficient to say that "Uebermensch" translates to "super-human" or, as it is commonly mistranslated, "super-man."

I think the current misuse of the word started with Dana Carvey in Wayne's World when he referred to Claudia Schiffer as an "uber-babe." It appears that the same guy that helped popularize the "not joke" is responsible for the "uber" phenomenon as well. The difference is that "not jokes" are comedy gold, but "uber" is retarded. Not even Carvey, who hasn't made a dime since Wayne's World 2, is cautious about using words from that era.

Now other tools (here , and here) are using the word and convincing impressionable youths that using the word to mean "super" is perfectly acceptable and even sometimes the coolest superlative ever conceived. By the by, at BYU a tool is called a silky boner. I understand these guys don't know any better, but I really wish that we could stop this madness.

If you routinely use the word "uber," you need to stop immediately. I promise that you will feel better about yourself. You didn't believe me when I told you to take off the stupid pucca shell necklace, but now that you are employable, you know that I was right. If you know someone who has used the word, tell them that there is hope for them too. With all of the madness in the world, we need to find some common ground to build upon. I suggest that the common ground we can all agree on is that "uber" should not be used to mean "super."

Thanks for your time. NOT!

Morgan Spurlock Sucks

I love documentaries. When I was in 7th grade Ken Burns' Civil War was on PBS and I loved every second it. The same goes for Burns' Baseball series. During my glorious seven month stay in the Austria Vienna Mission Home I watch Trail of Hope: The Story of the Mormon Trail at least once per week. A few months ago Netflix mistakenly sent us a documentary (I don't remember the name) in the sleeve of another movie. The documentary was about a kiddie fiddler (is that Dave Coulier?), a subject I generally try to avoid, but the story was still interesting.

My brother just finished making a documentary about Helper, Utah. That doesn't have much to do with what I want to talk about, but I figured this is the most advertising he is going to get, so I might as well throw it out there. Look for it on KUED sometime soon!

Back to the business at hand.

Documentaries have become mainstream in the last few years. I guess we can thank Michael Moore for most of the current buzz about documentaries. Michael Moore isn't a typical documentarian because he usually tries to make himself central to whatever story he is trying to tell. It worked for him for a long time. Roger & Me is a great film and Bowling for Columbine was pretty good too. I admit I haven't seen Fahrenheit 9/11 mostly because I think Moore went too far with it (not the story, because I haven't seen it, but the promotion). In fact, I don't know that anyone remembers much about that movie except that Michael Moore hates President Bush. You don't really need to make a documentary about that.

I think Moore has lost some relevence and will continue to do so as long as he makes his films about how liberal his views are and how messed up the current administration is. The only thing that is saving Moore from being the joke of the documentary world is Morgan Spurlock.

Spurlock is an idiot.

Supersize Me was a load of crap. Spurlock didn't really tell a story, he came up with a conclusion and then create an "experiment" to guarantee a result. If there is one thing I know, it is how to order at McDonald's. Spurlock went over the top with his menu choices to guarantee that he would get fat. No one ever orders an apple pie AND a sundae. Come on, Morgan. Because he went so over the top he really hurt his credibility. And it was probably unnecessarily over the top because he likely would have had similar results (although perhaps not as extreme) if he had just ordered like a regular person. I'm a fat man and the Number 2 supersized was all it took for me to get that way. Morgan also had other "side effects" from eating exclusively at McDonald's. He was lethargic, battled headaches and depression, and had a hard time "performing" for his girlfriend. Maybe "hard" is the wrong word? Morgan, who likely has not completed a lot of courses in scientific research, made a fundamental mistake with his conclusions in Supersize Me. He contributed most of the adverse health effects to McDonald's less-than-healthy food when I would argue, in my scientific opinion, that 75-80% of Morgan's problems stem from being a pussy, not from eating fatty foods.

Now Spurlock has a show on F/X called 30 Days. The idea is that someone lives a life other than the one they are used to. Morgan decided to live the life of a person on minimum wage. Then he went on Oprah to talk about it. During Morgan's 30 days as a minimum wage earner he got sick and had to go to a hospital. Since people who make minimum wage don't have insurance, he decided to not have insurance. Morgan makes some conclusions about why minimum wage laws are so bad, but I'm not exactly sure what he is arguing. On Oprah he said Americans need to write their representatives in Congress to ask them to address the issue. It isn't clear if he is talking about minimum wage laws, universal healthcare, poor people in general, or something else. I don't think he really thought that far ahead, and he probably doesn't care. I guess the conclusion is that capitalism sucks.

The worst part about Spurlock is that some people who might agree with some of his arguments (if they can figure out exactly what he is arguing) are turned off by him because he goes to extremes. But, then again, I guess a documentary that concludes with a rational discussion of pros and cons of fundamental social change is sort of boring.

The reason for this blog is to warn my loyal reader to watch out for Morgan Spurlock because he sucks.

Here is a list of documentaries you should check out if you want to be as smart as I am:

The Merchants of Cool (you can find it on Frontline's website on pbs.org along with a lot of other interesting stories)
Spellbound
Roger & Me
Murderball
Anything by Ken Burns
New York Doll
Murder on a Sunday Morning

Any I'm missing?

NPR. National Public Radio.

Hello, loyal reader!

I'm working in Salem, Oregon this summer for the Oregon Supreme Court. I write memos about interesting things like rape, sodomy, and murder. So far it has been a great experience. It is 65.6 miles from HQ to the court. I have a carpool buddy who has made the hour-and-change drive fairly enjoyable. We have been listening to a lot of NPR on our trips. I'd like to tell you about some of the thoughts I've had while listening to NPR this past week. Why? Because it will be awesome. Fine, agree to disagree.

On All Things Considered, listeners can submit sound recordings that they make of "cool," "interesting" (their words, not mine) or "retarded" (my word, not theirs) things. On Wednesday's show, listener Glenn Weyant from Tucson submitted a sound recording that he thought would add to the current immigration debate. Glenn took a contact microphone and a cello bow down to the border (the US-Mexico border, not Taco Bell) to "play" the fence separating the US and Mexico. Mr. Weyant wants to get a bunch of Americans and a bunch of Mexicans to meet on either side of the fence on a certain day (surprisingly, he hasn't really planned this out completely) and use the fence as a musical instrument. I don't know what his plan is after that. Probably just smoke a joint. I don't know Glenn very well but I am sure that almost all of his ideas start and end with smoking a joint. Here is the sound clip. You should probably download it because you'll want to put this on the ipod. I promise that the 196 seconds you spend listening to Glenn's art will be the best 196 seconds of your life. Oh yeah, Glenn says he is a professional sound sculptor. I think that is what David St. Hubbins meant when he said if he couldn't be a rock star he would be a full-time dreamer.

Glenn's is only one in a series of SoundClips from NPR. Check out all the great things people waste their time recording. You can hear what a log trimming machine sounds like or what a crane moving from one end of a warehouse to other end sounds like.

I get on NPR kicks every once in a while. Usually I'll listen fairly regularly for three months or so and then not listen for a while. NPR loves to have stories about two things: (1) current political/social issues and (2) stories about Elliott Smith. I guess Elliott's music is pretty good. Plus, he did kill himself, (although I think there is some debate about whether he stabbed himself in the heart or if he had "help" from his girlfriend), and he had one song on the Good Will Hunting soundtrack, but does there really need to be a story about him every three weeks? Why not just one story about someone else? How about Falco? FACT: Falco's music changed the world. FACT: He was featured on at least one movie soundtrack. FACT: He is dead. FACT: He is the greatest recording artist of all time. I rest my case.

I think I'm going to submit a sound clip. But what? Any ideas? Maybe the sound of the effect GOB's chicken dance has on immigration? Here is a good one too.

Here Comes the Hotstepper

The missus and I had the pleasure of chaperoning a stake dance on Saturday. I don't feel like I'm a lot older than these kids, but I guess I am. I don't remember ever having stake dances at all. We had stomps, but I think that is just a Utah thing. It should be a worldwide thing because stomps are awesome and stake dances suck.

Anyway, in order for kids to get into the dance, they had to wear church clothes (dress shirts and ties for the boys, skirts and blouses for the girls). They also had to present a "dance card" at the door, sort of like an admission ticket from the bishop. Because prom was going on for most of the high schools in our area, most of the kids there were between 14 and 16. Lizzy and I were stationed at a door in the gym to keep the kids from sneaking out and destroying the church. It was a pretty slow night. We only had one incident and I was able to defuse the situation pretty quickly thanks to my new taser.

Being at the dance gave me some time to reflect on my high school days. The ten year reunion is coming up in a few months and I'm getting pretty jazzed about it. I was in Germany for the five year, so that makes the ten year even more important. It sort of sucks that I haven't received any phone calls or emails from organizers, but I'm pretty sure they are just having a hard time finding me and not avoiding me on purpose. But that is for a later blog.

Some of my readers know that I am a professionally trained dancer. I have been schooled in both tap and ballet and have learned hip hop, break dancing, and jazz on my own. I'm an excellent dancer (like Raymond Babbitt is an excellent driver).

Even though I am an excellent dancer, I have never been a fan of dances. I never learned the Electric Slide (nice pantsuit), which is a huge bummer. I' not sure how everyone learned that dance. I always figured it was taught during gym or something and I was absent that day. Maybe people spend time working on it at home? I guess that happens, but that sure is gay. The best part about the Electric Slide is that no one is really interested in doing it. People are involved, but they aren't happy. There are no smiles, no spontaneous high fives, nothing. It is just a bunch of otherwise self-conscious people hoping that the next hop-quarter-turn-clap-combo doesn't put them in the front row where everyone can see them.

I went to Youth Conference once and I almost stopped going to church. I don't know what it had to do with learning about church, but we had to learn a country dance. Everyone was given a partner, mine was a softball player. Not this kind of softball player, but this kind of softball player. It left a bad taste in my mouth. I still have nightmares about it.

I was surprised that not that much has changed at dances in the last ten years. The same songs are popular. The kids went nuts for "I'm Just a Girl" from No Doubt; "Cotton-Eyed Joe " from Rednex; and the ubiquitous "Electric Slide" from Grandmaster Slice. Besides an unexplainable, newfound love for A Simple Plan, all of the hits were at least ten or twelve years old.

Another constant is that swing dancing sucks. I'll never understand what motivates people to learn how to swing dance. And once they learn it, where do they get the balls big enough to think they are awesome?

Finally, Kokomo is still an awful song and the Beach Boys still suck. I know Stamos was in the video and all, but that still doesn't save the song or the band.

That's about all I have to say about it. The kids had a fun time, I got to use the taser, no one got knocked up, and everyone was home by 11:30. It was a successful evening.

video.google.com

I don't know what motivates people to record themselves being stupid, but I'm glad they do it. One of the best things I have found in the last little while is Google Video. You can find pretty much anything that you can imagine. I especially like awesome guitar solos. As a crappy guitarist myself, I know garbage when I see it. Really, anything music related is golden. Here are some of my favorites this week:

Metallica One Intro Solo

Arjun and Panu. "Arjun, how can we score some hot 8th grade chicks?" "I don't know, Panu. But lip syncing a Weezer song is probably a good place to start."


Kids & Nirvana. The only way this makes sense is if it is a commercial for an orthodontist trying to appeal to Generation X girls who got pregnant in high school and now have kids who need braces. At least that is the only thing I can think of.

Guerrilla Radio. I don't think this performance was at an LDS Institute dance, but I've been wrong before.

Gray's Freestyle Rap. And you thought myspace was only dangerous because of child predators.

Vindicated. Is that a girl or the singer from The Killers?

Vindicated , Part II. Dashboard Confessional provides an endless source of crappy videos. This kid has it all. Wind blowing through his hair. Bad choreography. Stupid symbolism. He has a bright future in the music business. I bet he doesn't have any brothers. And if he does have brothers, I hope they beat the living hell out of him. That is the only way to learn.

Huey Lewis & The News. This is probably the greatest video ever. The bandmembers have obviously studied Robert Palmer videos. The lead singer has some of the best moves I have ever seen and he might be Dell Schanze. Look out, he might pull a gun on you!

Enjoy!