Learning a foreign language is very valuable. I was lucky enough to learn German as a missionary in Austria. When I returned I majored in German at the University of Utah (otherwise known as the Harvard of the west). Unfortunately, since I have been out of the German program at the U., there really hasn't been a lot of opportunities to speak the language and without practice, things go downhill very quickly.
Every once in a while I will hear a German interview on TV. It is usually on the History Channel and more often than not it an old German guy talking about how Hitler duped his countrymen into pursing the Final Solution. Even though most of what is said is just regurgitated excuses, it is nice to hear German and pretend, even for just a minute, that I am a better translator than the one the History Channel hired.
One thing that has become a huge pet peeve of mine is the current use of "uber" in English. If you read cool magazines like Rolling Stone and GQ or if you watch MTV at all, you have come across this word. Typically, an English-speaker uses the word as a superlative to replace "super." Those people are idiots.
In German "ueber" (I don't know how to use umlauts on blogger) means many different things. Most German words are just combinations of other words. For example, "backen" mean "to bake", "Stein" mean "rock", so "Backstein" means "brick." See, you just build words out of other words. "Ueber" is a preposition when used alone (it can mean about, above, across, at, beyond, by, etc.), it can also be an adverb (again, tons of different meanings depending on context), and it can be a prefix to a noun.
I think the prefix to a noun part is where cool guys distort the meaning of the word. The concept of an "Uebermensch" comes from Friedrich Nietzsche. You can read about it all on Wikipedia if you want, but for the purposes of this blog it is sufficient to say that "Uebermensch" translates to "super-human" or, as it is commonly mistranslated, "super-man."
I think the current misuse of the word started with Dana Carvey in Wayne's World when he referred to Claudia Schiffer as an "uber-babe." It appears that the same guy that helped popularize the "not joke" is responsible for the "uber" phenomenon as well. The difference is that "not jokes" are comedy gold, but "uber" is retarded. Not even Carvey, who hasn't made a dime since Wayne's World 2, is cautious about using words from that era.
Now other tools (here , and here) are using the word and convincing impressionable youths that using the word to mean "super" is perfectly acceptable and even sometimes the coolest superlative ever conceived. By the by, at BYU a tool is called a silky boner. I understand these guys don't know any better, but I really wish that we could stop this madness.
If you routinely use the word "uber," you need to stop immediately. I promise that you will feel better about yourself. You didn't believe me when I told you to take off the stupid pucca shell necklace, but now that you are employable, you know that I was right. If you know someone who has used the word, tell them that there is hope for them too. With all of the madness in the world, we need to find some common ground to build upon. I suggest that the common ground we can all agree on is that "uber" should not be used to mean "super."
Thanks for your time. NOT!
10 August 2006
07 August 2006
Morgan Spurlock Sucks
I love documentaries. When I was in 7th grade Ken Burns' Civil War was on PBS and I loved every second it. The same goes for Burns' Baseball series. During my glorious seven month stay in the Austria Vienna Mission Home I watch Trail of Hope: The Story of the Mormon Trail at least once per week. A few months ago Netflix mistakenly sent us a documentary (I don't remember the name) in the sleeve of another movie. The documentary was about a kiddie fiddler (is that Dave Coulier?), a subject I generally try to avoid, but the story was still interesting.
My brother just finished making a documentary about Helper, Utah. That doesn't have much to do with what I want to talk about, but I figured this is the most advertising he is going to get, so I might as well throw it out there. Look for it on KUED sometime soon!
Back to the business at hand.
Documentaries have become mainstream in the last few years. I guess we can thank Michael Moore for most of the current buzz about documentaries. Michael Moore isn't a typical documentarian because he usually tries to make himself central to whatever story he is trying to tell. It worked for him for a long time. Roger & Me is a great film and Bowling for Columbine was pretty good too. I admit I haven't seen Fahrenheit 9/11 mostly because I think Moore went too far with it (not the story, because I haven't seen it, but the promotion). In fact, I don't know that anyone remembers much about that movie except that Michael Moore hates President Bush. You don't really need to make a documentary about that.
I think Moore has lost some relevence and will continue to do so as long as he makes his films about how liberal his views are and how messed up the current administration is. The only thing that is saving Moore from being the joke of the documentary world is Morgan Spurlock.
Spurlock is an idiot.
Supersize Me was a load of crap. Spurlock didn't really tell a story, he came up with a conclusion and then create an "experiment" to guarantee a result. If there is one thing I know, it is how to order at McDonald's. Spurlock went over the top with his menu choices to guarantee that he would get fat. No one ever orders an apple pie AND a sundae. Come on, Morgan. Because he went so over the top he really hurt his credibility. And it was probably unnecessarily over the top because he likely would have had similar results (although perhaps not as extreme) if he had just ordered like a regular person. I'm a fat man and the Number 2 supersized was all it took for me to get that way. Morgan also had other "side effects" from eating exclusively at McDonald's. He was lethargic, battled headaches and depression, and had a hard time "performing" for his girlfriend. Maybe "hard" is the wrong word? Morgan, who likely has not completed a lot of courses in scientific research, made a fundamental mistake with his conclusions in Supersize Me. He contributed most of the adverse health effects to McDonald's less-than-healthy food when I would argue, in my scientific opinion, that 75-80% of Morgan's problems stem from being a pussy, not from eating fatty foods.
Now Spurlock has a show on F/X called 30 Days. The idea is that someone lives a life other than the one they are used to. Morgan decided to live the life of a person on minimum wage. Then he went on Oprah to talk about it. During Morgan's 30 days as a minimum wage earner he got sick and had to go to a hospital. Since people who make minimum wage don't have insurance, he decided to not have insurance. Morgan makes some conclusions about why minimum wage laws are so bad, but I'm not exactly sure what he is arguing. On Oprah he said Americans need to write their representatives in Congress to ask them to address the issue. It isn't clear if he is talking about minimum wage laws, universal healthcare, poor people in general, or something else. I don't think he really thought that far ahead, and he probably doesn't care. I guess the conclusion is that capitalism sucks.
The worst part about Spurlock is that some people who might agree with some of his arguments (if they can figure out exactly what he is arguing) are turned off by him because he goes to extremes. But, then again, I guess a documentary that concludes with a rational discussion of pros and cons of fundamental social change is sort of boring.
The reason for this blog is to warn my loyal reader to watch out for Morgan Spurlock because he sucks.
Here is a list of documentaries you should check out if you want to be as smart as I am:
The Merchants of Cool (you can find it on Frontline's website on pbs.org along with a lot of other interesting stories)
Spellbound
Roger & Me
Murderball
Anything by Ken Burns
New York Doll
Murder on a Sunday Morning
Any I'm missing?
My brother just finished making a documentary about Helper, Utah. That doesn't have much to do with what I want to talk about, but I figured this is the most advertising he is going to get, so I might as well throw it out there. Look for it on KUED sometime soon!
Back to the business at hand.
Documentaries have become mainstream in the last few years. I guess we can thank Michael Moore for most of the current buzz about documentaries. Michael Moore isn't a typical documentarian because he usually tries to make himself central to whatever story he is trying to tell. It worked for him for a long time. Roger & Me is a great film and Bowling for Columbine was pretty good too. I admit I haven't seen Fahrenheit 9/11 mostly because I think Moore went too far with it (not the story, because I haven't seen it, but the promotion). In fact, I don't know that anyone remembers much about that movie except that Michael Moore hates President Bush. You don't really need to make a documentary about that.
I think Moore has lost some relevence and will continue to do so as long as he makes his films about how liberal his views are and how messed up the current administration is. The only thing that is saving Moore from being the joke of the documentary world is Morgan Spurlock.
Spurlock is an idiot.
Supersize Me was a load of crap. Spurlock didn't really tell a story, he came up with a conclusion and then create an "experiment" to guarantee a result. If there is one thing I know, it is how to order at McDonald's. Spurlock went over the top with his menu choices to guarantee that he would get fat. No one ever orders an apple pie AND a sundae. Come on, Morgan. Because he went so over the top he really hurt his credibility. And it was probably unnecessarily over the top because he likely would have had similar results (although perhaps not as extreme) if he had just ordered like a regular person. I'm a fat man and the Number 2 supersized was all it took for me to get that way. Morgan also had other "side effects" from eating exclusively at McDonald's. He was lethargic, battled headaches and depression, and had a hard time "performing" for his girlfriend. Maybe "hard" is the wrong word? Morgan, who likely has not completed a lot of courses in scientific research, made a fundamental mistake with his conclusions in Supersize Me. He contributed most of the adverse health effects to McDonald's less-than-healthy food when I would argue, in my scientific opinion, that 75-80% of Morgan's problems stem from being a pussy, not from eating fatty foods.
Now Spurlock has a show on F/X called 30 Days. The idea is that someone lives a life other than the one they are used to. Morgan decided to live the life of a person on minimum wage. Then he went on Oprah to talk about it. During Morgan's 30 days as a minimum wage earner he got sick and had to go to a hospital. Since people who make minimum wage don't have insurance, he decided to not have insurance. Morgan makes some conclusions about why minimum wage laws are so bad, but I'm not exactly sure what he is arguing. On Oprah he said Americans need to write their representatives in Congress to ask them to address the issue. It isn't clear if he is talking about minimum wage laws, universal healthcare, poor people in general, or something else. I don't think he really thought that far ahead, and he probably doesn't care. I guess the conclusion is that capitalism sucks.
The worst part about Spurlock is that some people who might agree with some of his arguments (if they can figure out exactly what he is arguing) are turned off by him because he goes to extremes. But, then again, I guess a documentary that concludes with a rational discussion of pros and cons of fundamental social change is sort of boring.
The reason for this blog is to warn my loyal reader to watch out for Morgan Spurlock because he sucks.
Here is a list of documentaries you should check out if you want to be as smart as I am:
The Merchants of Cool (you can find it on Frontline's website on pbs.org along with a lot of other interesting stories)
Spellbound
Roger & Me
Murderball
Anything by Ken Burns
New York Doll
Murder on a Sunday Morning
Any I'm missing?
16 June 2006
NPR. National Public Radio.
Hello, loyal reader!
I'm working in Salem, Oregon this summer for the Oregon Supreme Court. I write memos about interesting things like rape, sodomy, and murder. So far it has been a great experience. It is 65.6 miles from HQ to the court. I have a carpool buddy who has made the hour-and-change drive fairly enjoyable. We have been listening to a lot of NPR on our trips. I'd like to tell you about some of the thoughts I've had while listening to NPR this past week. Why? Because it will be awesome. Fine, agree to disagree.
On All Things Considered, listeners can submit sound recordings that they make of "cool," "interesting" (their words, not mine) or "retarded" (my word, not theirs) things. On Wednesday's show, listener Glenn Weyant from Tucson submitted a sound recording that he thought would add to the current immigration debate. Glenn took a contact microphone and a cello bow down to the border (the US-Mexico border, not Taco Bell) to "play" the fence separating the US and Mexico. Mr. Weyant wants to get a bunch of Americans and a bunch of Mexicans to meet on either side of the fence on a certain day (surprisingly, he hasn't really planned this out completely) and use the fence as a musical instrument. I don't know what his plan is after that. Probably just smoke a joint. I don't know Glenn very well but I am sure that almost all of his ideas start and end with smoking a joint. Here is the sound clip. You should probably download it because you'll want to put this on the ipod. I promise that the 196 seconds you spend listening to Glenn's art will be the best 196 seconds of your life. Oh yeah, Glenn says he is a professional sound sculptor. I think that is what David St. Hubbins meant when he said if he couldn't be a rock star he would be a full-time dreamer.
Glenn's is only one in a series of SoundClips from NPR. Check out all the great things people waste their time recording. You can hear what a log trimming machine sounds like or what a crane moving from one end of a warehouse to other end sounds like.
I get on NPR kicks every once in a while. Usually I'll listen fairly regularly for three months or so and then not listen for a while. NPR loves to have stories about two things: (1) current political/social issues and (2) stories about Elliott Smith. I guess Elliott's music is pretty good. Plus, he did kill himself, (although I think there is some debate about whether he stabbed himself in the heart or if he had "help" from his girlfriend), and he had one song on the Good Will Hunting soundtrack, but does there really need to be a story about him every three weeks? Why not just one story about someone else? How about Falco? FACT: Falco's music changed the world. FACT: He was featured on at least one movie soundtrack. FACT: He is dead. FACT: He is the greatest recording artist of all time. I rest my case.
I think I'm going to submit a sound clip. But what? Any ideas? Maybe the sound of the effect GOB's chicken dance has on immigration? Here is a good one too.
I'm working in Salem, Oregon this summer for the Oregon Supreme Court. I write memos about interesting things like rape, sodomy, and murder. So far it has been a great experience. It is 65.6 miles from HQ to the court. I have a carpool buddy who has made the hour-and-change drive fairly enjoyable. We have been listening to a lot of NPR on our trips. I'd like to tell you about some of the thoughts I've had while listening to NPR this past week. Why? Because it will be awesome. Fine, agree to disagree.
On All Things Considered, listeners can submit sound recordings that they make of "cool," "interesting" (their words, not mine) or "retarded" (my word, not theirs) things. On Wednesday's show, listener Glenn Weyant from Tucson submitted a sound recording that he thought would add to the current immigration debate. Glenn took a contact microphone and a cello bow down to the border (the US-Mexico border, not Taco Bell) to "play" the fence separating the US and Mexico. Mr. Weyant wants to get a bunch of Americans and a bunch of Mexicans to meet on either side of the fence on a certain day (surprisingly, he hasn't really planned this out completely) and use the fence as a musical instrument. I don't know what his plan is after that. Probably just smoke a joint. I don't know Glenn very well but I am sure that almost all of his ideas start and end with smoking a joint. Here is the sound clip. You should probably download it because you'll want to put this on the ipod. I promise that the 196 seconds you spend listening to Glenn's art will be the best 196 seconds of your life. Oh yeah, Glenn says he is a professional sound sculptor. I think that is what David St. Hubbins meant when he said if he couldn't be a rock star he would be a full-time dreamer.
Glenn's is only one in a series of SoundClips from NPR. Check out all the great things people waste their time recording. You can hear what a log trimming machine sounds like or what a crane moving from one end of a warehouse to other end sounds like.
I get on NPR kicks every once in a while. Usually I'll listen fairly regularly for three months or so and then not listen for a while. NPR loves to have stories about two things: (1) current political/social issues and (2) stories about Elliott Smith. I guess Elliott's music is pretty good. Plus, he did kill himself, (although I think there is some debate about whether he stabbed himself in the heart or if he had "help" from his girlfriend), and he had one song on the Good Will Hunting soundtrack, but does there really need to be a story about him every three weeks? Why not just one story about someone else? How about Falco? FACT: Falco's music changed the world. FACT: He was featured on at least one movie soundtrack. FACT: He is dead. FACT: He is the greatest recording artist of all time. I rest my case.
I think I'm going to submit a sound clip. But what? Any ideas? Maybe the sound of the effect GOB's chicken dance has on immigration? Here is a good one too.
15 May 2006
Here Comes the Hotstepper
The missus and I had the pleasure of chaperoning a stake dance on Saturday. I don't feel like I'm a lot older than these kids, but I guess I am. I don't remember ever having stake dances at all. We had stomps, but I think that is just a Utah thing. It should be a worldwide thing because stomps are awesome and stake dances suck.
Anyway, in order for kids to get into the dance, they had to wear church clothes (dress shirts and ties for the boys, skirts and blouses for the girls). They also had to present a "dance card" at the door, sort of like an admission ticket from the bishop. Because prom was going on for most of the high schools in our area, most of the kids there were between 14 and 16. Lizzy and I were stationed at a door in the gym to keep the kids from sneaking out and destroying the church. It was a pretty slow night. We only had one incident and I was able to defuse the situation pretty quickly thanks to my new taser.
Being at the dance gave me some time to reflect on my high school days. The ten year reunion is coming up in a few months and I'm getting pretty jazzed about it. I was in Germany for the five year, so that makes the ten year even more important. It sort of sucks that I haven't received any phone calls or emails from organizers, but I'm pretty sure they are just having a hard time finding me and not avoiding me on purpose. But that is for a later blog.
Some of my readers know that I am a professionally trained dancer. I have been schooled in both tap and ballet and have learned hip hop, break dancing, and jazz on my own. I'm an excellent dancer (like Raymond Babbitt is an excellent driver).
Even though I am an excellent dancer, I have never been a fan of dances. I never learned the Electric Slide (nice pantsuit), which is a huge bummer. I' not sure how everyone learned that dance. I always figured it was taught during gym or something and I was absent that day. Maybe people spend time working on it at home? I guess that happens, but that sure is gay. The best part about the Electric Slide is that no one is really interested in doing it. People are involved, but they aren't happy. There are no smiles, no spontaneous high fives, nothing. It is just a bunch of otherwise self-conscious people hoping that the next hop-quarter-turn-clap-combo doesn't put them in the front row where everyone can see them.
I went to Youth Conference once and I almost stopped going to church. I don't know what it had to do with learning about church, but we had to learn a country dance. Everyone was given a partner, mine was a softball player. Not this kind of softball player, but this kind of softball player. It left a bad taste in my mouth. I still have nightmares about it.
I was surprised that not that much has changed at dances in the last ten years. The same songs are popular. The kids went nuts for "I'm Just a Girl" from No Doubt; "Cotton-Eyed Joe " from Rednex; and the ubiquitous "Electric Slide" from Grandmaster Slice. Besides an unexplainable, newfound love for A Simple Plan, all of the hits were at least ten or twelve years old.
Another constant is that swing dancing sucks. I'll never understand what motivates people to learn how to swing dance. And once they learn it, where do they get the balls big enough to think they are awesome?
Finally, Kokomo is still an awful song and the Beach Boys still suck. I know Stamos was in the video and all, but that still doesn't save the song or the band.
That's about all I have to say about it. The kids had a fun time, I got to use the taser, no one got knocked up, and everyone was home by 11:30. It was a successful evening.
Anyway, in order for kids to get into the dance, they had to wear church clothes (dress shirts and ties for the boys, skirts and blouses for the girls). They also had to present a "dance card" at the door, sort of like an admission ticket from the bishop. Because prom was going on for most of the high schools in our area, most of the kids there were between 14 and 16. Lizzy and I were stationed at a door in the gym to keep the kids from sneaking out and destroying the church. It was a pretty slow night. We only had one incident and I was able to defuse the situation pretty quickly thanks to my new taser.
Being at the dance gave me some time to reflect on my high school days. The ten year reunion is coming up in a few months and I'm getting pretty jazzed about it. I was in Germany for the five year, so that makes the ten year even more important. It sort of sucks that I haven't received any phone calls or emails from organizers, but I'm pretty sure they are just having a hard time finding me and not avoiding me on purpose. But that is for a later blog.
Some of my readers know that I am a professionally trained dancer. I have been schooled in both tap and ballet and have learned hip hop, break dancing, and jazz on my own. I'm an excellent dancer (like Raymond Babbitt is an excellent driver).
Even though I am an excellent dancer, I have never been a fan of dances. I never learned the Electric Slide (nice pantsuit), which is a huge bummer. I' not sure how everyone learned that dance. I always figured it was taught during gym or something and I was absent that day. Maybe people spend time working on it at home? I guess that happens, but that sure is gay. The best part about the Electric Slide is that no one is really interested in doing it. People are involved, but they aren't happy. There are no smiles, no spontaneous high fives, nothing. It is just a bunch of otherwise self-conscious people hoping that the next hop-quarter-turn-clap-combo doesn't put them in the front row where everyone can see them.
I went to Youth Conference once and I almost stopped going to church. I don't know what it had to do with learning about church, but we had to learn a country dance. Everyone was given a partner, mine was a softball player. Not this kind of softball player, but this kind of softball player. It left a bad taste in my mouth. I still have nightmares about it.
I was surprised that not that much has changed at dances in the last ten years. The same songs are popular. The kids went nuts for "I'm Just a Girl" from No Doubt; "Cotton-Eyed Joe " from Rednex; and the ubiquitous "Electric Slide" from Grandmaster Slice. Besides an unexplainable, newfound love for A Simple Plan, all of the hits were at least ten or twelve years old.
Another constant is that swing dancing sucks. I'll never understand what motivates people to learn how to swing dance. And once they learn it, where do they get the balls big enough to think they are awesome?
Finally, Kokomo is still an awful song and the Beach Boys still suck. I know Stamos was in the video and all, but that still doesn't save the song or the band.
That's about all I have to say about it. The kids had a fun time, I got to use the taser, no one got knocked up, and everyone was home by 11:30. It was a successful evening.
09 May 2006
video.google.com
I don't know what motivates people to record themselves being stupid, but I'm glad they do it. One of the best things I have found in the last little while is Google Video. You can find pretty much anything that you can imagine. I especially like awesome guitar solos. As a crappy guitarist myself, I know garbage when I see it. Really, anything music related is golden. Here are some of my favorites this week:
Metallica One Intro Solo
Arjun and Panu. "Arjun, how can we score some hot 8th grade chicks?" "I don't know, Panu. But lip syncing a Weezer song is probably a good place to start."
Kids & Nirvana. The only way this makes sense is if it is a commercial for an orthodontist trying to appeal to Generation X girls who got pregnant in high school and now have kids who need braces. At least that is the only thing I can think of.
Guerrilla Radio. I don't think this performance was at an LDS Institute dance, but I've been wrong before.
Gray's Freestyle Rap. And you thought myspace was only dangerous because of child predators.
Vindicated. Is that a girl or the singer from The Killers?
Vindicated , Part II. Dashboard Confessional provides an endless source of crappy videos. This kid has it all. Wind blowing through his hair. Bad choreography. Stupid symbolism. He has a bright future in the music business. I bet he doesn't have any brothers. And if he does have brothers, I hope they beat the living hell out of him. That is the only way to learn.
Huey Lewis & The News. This is probably the greatest video ever. The bandmembers have obviously studied Robert Palmer videos. The lead singer has some of the best moves I have ever seen and he might be Dell Schanze. Look out, he might pull a gun on you!
Enjoy!
Metallica One Intro Solo
Arjun and Panu. "Arjun, how can we score some hot 8th grade chicks?" "I don't know, Panu. But lip syncing a Weezer song is probably a good place to start."
Kids & Nirvana. The only way this makes sense is if it is a commercial for an orthodontist trying to appeal to Generation X girls who got pregnant in high school and now have kids who need braces. At least that is the only thing I can think of.
Guerrilla Radio. I don't think this performance was at an LDS Institute dance, but I've been wrong before.
Gray's Freestyle Rap. And you thought myspace was only dangerous because of child predators.
Vindicated. Is that a girl or the singer from The Killers?
Vindicated , Part II. Dashboard Confessional provides an endless source of crappy videos. This kid has it all. Wind blowing through his hair. Bad choreography. Stupid symbolism. He has a bright future in the music business. I bet he doesn't have any brothers. And if he does have brothers, I hope they beat the living hell out of him. That is the only way to learn.
Huey Lewis & The News. This is probably the greatest video ever. The bandmembers have obviously studied Robert Palmer videos. The lead singer has some of the best moves I have ever seen and he might be Dell Schanze. Look out, he might pull a gun on you!
Enjoy!
29 March 2006
I'm Putting On A Clinic
Up until thirty seconds ago, I was trying to convincingly express my interest in working for the railroad. I'm sure it is a great job, but I'm not doing a very good job of lying about being excited about the railroad. Besides an excuse to wear overalls on a regular basis, I just don't see the appeal. So, it is time to re-focus my creative energy on something else. It is time for Panhandling 101 (or 1010 for you U of U students).
I have spent a lot of time watching hobos. I have seen some of the best in the world work. A panhandler who knows what he is doing is a beautiful thing. Those dudes can start with nothing at 8:00 am and be totally drunk by 9:15 am. Now, I fully understand that panhandlers aren't much for "book learnin'", so I have developed a simple five step program that is easy for the most ignorant hobo to learn and guaranteed to produce results. It is all about PALMS.
1. Position
No one likes tall people. If your tall, you know what I'm talking about. Sure, people are nice to your face, but you really don't have any friends. All those shorter people are thinking of ways to take out your knees when you aren't looking. The lesson for you hobos: get as close to the ground as you can. If you're going to stand, slouch. If you are truly committed to a life of begging, sit down. If you want to be world class, sit down, stare at the ground about 18 inches in front of you, and put your hand directly on the ground. The greatest hobo I ever had the privilege to watch was Klaus in Klagenfurt, Austria. This guy would sit down, put his hand on the ground (no matter how cold it was), and stare at the ground. He made tons of money. He earned enough to buy booze for him and six buddies in a little more than an hour. He was a maestro.
2. Attitude
Humility goes a long way. Too many of you make the mistake of trying to justify your life choices. In most cases, people are hobos because they are either crazy or lazy. Since crazy people eventually end up with some sort of government help, most of the you are just plan lazy. Aggressiveness won't get you very far. You need to act like you really need help. Think about how much you want that meth/booze/crack. It will make you sad. Use that as the motivation. Some of you mistakenly think creating a sense of urgency in your clients is a good plan. It is not. Remember, you are going for pity. Look sullen. Say thank you.
3. Location, location, location
I see this in Eugene all the time. People set up on busy street corners and end up standing there all day. You really need to get to the foot traffic. You see, when people are in cars, they are protected by their windows. Sure, they can look out, but there is enough buffer to ignore you. Now remember, you are supposed to be standing/sitting and pouring out humility. It is just too hard to get people in cars to notice. Instead, find a place with lots of pedestrians. Sidewalk corners might work. You need to make sure you aren't holding up traffic too much. Try bus stations, libraries, open spaces by office buildings, and tourist attractions.
4. Method
Remember the story of the tortoise and the hare? Of course you don't. You can't read. The moral of the story is that slow and steady wins the race. It is true for almost anything. Find your spot and sit there. You will make more by being noticeable but not obnoxious than you will running around and pestering people. You may say this is counterintuitive. I will remind you that you are a hobo and your intuition so far has been wrong. Trust me.
5. Signs
You probably shouldn't use signs. They actually detract from the message. If you follow the other steps, you are saying more than any sign will say. Everyone knows you are there to feed your addiction. You are not interested in getting to your kids. You don't need gas money (unless you're a huffer). You're not looking for work. Remember, you will be most effective by sitting and putting your hand on the ground. Having said that, if you really want a sign, keep it simple. It should be small and to the point. Try something like, "Need help." That way you're not lying to clients. Clients may ask what you need help with. DO NOT make eye contact. Just say, "Thank you."
So there you have it. Let me know how it goes.
I have spent a lot of time watching hobos. I have seen some of the best in the world work. A panhandler who knows what he is doing is a beautiful thing. Those dudes can start with nothing at 8:00 am and be totally drunk by 9:15 am. Now, I fully understand that panhandlers aren't much for "book learnin'", so I have developed a simple five step program that is easy for the most ignorant hobo to learn and guaranteed to produce results. It is all about PALMS.
1. Position
No one likes tall people. If your tall, you know what I'm talking about. Sure, people are nice to your face, but you really don't have any friends. All those shorter people are thinking of ways to take out your knees when you aren't looking. The lesson for you hobos: get as close to the ground as you can. If you're going to stand, slouch. If you are truly committed to a life of begging, sit down. If you want to be world class, sit down, stare at the ground about 18 inches in front of you, and put your hand directly on the ground. The greatest hobo I ever had the privilege to watch was Klaus in Klagenfurt, Austria. This guy would sit down, put his hand on the ground (no matter how cold it was), and stare at the ground. He made tons of money. He earned enough to buy booze for him and six buddies in a little more than an hour. He was a maestro.
2. Attitude
Humility goes a long way. Too many of you make the mistake of trying to justify your life choices. In most cases, people are hobos because they are either crazy or lazy. Since crazy people eventually end up with some sort of government help, most of the you are just plan lazy. Aggressiveness won't get you very far. You need to act like you really need help. Think about how much you want that meth/booze/crack. It will make you sad. Use that as the motivation. Some of you mistakenly think creating a sense of urgency in your clients is a good plan. It is not. Remember, you are going for pity. Look sullen. Say thank you.
3. Location, location, location
I see this in Eugene all the time. People set up on busy street corners and end up standing there all day. You really need to get to the foot traffic. You see, when people are in cars, they are protected by their windows. Sure, they can look out, but there is enough buffer to ignore you. Now remember, you are supposed to be standing/sitting and pouring out humility. It is just too hard to get people in cars to notice. Instead, find a place with lots of pedestrians. Sidewalk corners might work. You need to make sure you aren't holding up traffic too much. Try bus stations, libraries, open spaces by office buildings, and tourist attractions.
4. Method
Remember the story of the tortoise and the hare? Of course you don't. You can't read. The moral of the story is that slow and steady wins the race. It is true for almost anything. Find your spot and sit there. You will make more by being noticeable but not obnoxious than you will running around and pestering people. You may say this is counterintuitive. I will remind you that you are a hobo and your intuition so far has been wrong. Trust me.
5. Signs
You probably shouldn't use signs. They actually detract from the message. If you follow the other steps, you are saying more than any sign will say. Everyone knows you are there to feed your addiction. You are not interested in getting to your kids. You don't need gas money (unless you're a huffer). You're not looking for work. Remember, you will be most effective by sitting and putting your hand on the ground. Having said that, if you really want a sign, keep it simple. It should be small and to the point. Try something like, "Need help." That way you're not lying to clients. Clients may ask what you need help with. DO NOT make eye contact. Just say, "Thank you."
So there you have it. Let me know how it goes.
28 March 2006
Golfing
I went golfing yesterday and today. I don't get a chance to go all that often, but I really enjoy it when I go. Before yesterday, the last time I went golfing was in September. Six months off isn't doing any favors for my game, but I think my biggest problem is that I have no idea what I'm doing. At all.
My mom's coworker tried to teach me how to golf when I was about 12. We went to Four Lakes in Taylorsville and, as I remember it, I was pretty good. The rentals were sweet. I was hooked and finally convinced my mom to get a starter set of clubs. I have gotten progressively worse since that first purchase.
I have disfigured at least two dozen people with my slice. Some of the scars will heal, the mental ones probably won't. No one is safe being anywhere near me. I have ricocheted balls off of trees, practice mats at the driving range, feet, the shaft of the club, poles, old ladies, boy scouts, and daytime hookers. And that isn't an exhaustive list.
Even though I suck and probably won't ever get any better, I keep going. Part of the fun is occassionally hitting a good shot and thinking, just for a second, that I might not be the worst golfer ever. After I hit a good shot, I try to remember exactly what I did so I can do it again on the next shot. I just end up causing more problems than anything. Maybe I need to change my grip? My stance? My swing? My tempo? My club?
Maybe I need to change my attitude? A little less of this and little more of this. The older I get, the more I realize that Rodney Dangerfield and Journey can solve just about any problem. If more people would just take time out of their day to listen to "Anyway You Want It" and really listen to it, the world would be a better place. I'm sure my handicap would go down. It is probably easier said than done, but I'm going to give it a shot. If it doesn't work, I might have to break the swearing streak. It is getting old anyway.
So, if I go golfing with any of my faithful reader(s), please remind me of who I am and what I'm about. I am a Journey fan and I'm all about rockin' out.
My mom's coworker tried to teach me how to golf when I was about 12. We went to Four Lakes in Taylorsville and, as I remember it, I was pretty good. The rentals were sweet. I was hooked and finally convinced my mom to get a starter set of clubs. I have gotten progressively worse since that first purchase.
I have disfigured at least two dozen people with my slice. Some of the scars will heal, the mental ones probably won't. No one is safe being anywhere near me. I have ricocheted balls off of trees, practice mats at the driving range, feet, the shaft of the club, poles, old ladies, boy scouts, and daytime hookers. And that isn't an exhaustive list.
Even though I suck and probably won't ever get any better, I keep going. Part of the fun is occassionally hitting a good shot and thinking, just for a second, that I might not be the worst golfer ever. After I hit a good shot, I try to remember exactly what I did so I can do it again on the next shot. I just end up causing more problems than anything. Maybe I need to change my grip? My stance? My swing? My tempo? My club?
Maybe I need to change my attitude? A little less of this and little more of this. The older I get, the more I realize that Rodney Dangerfield and Journey can solve just about any problem. If more people would just take time out of their day to listen to "Anyway You Want It" and really listen to it, the world would be a better place. I'm sure my handicap would go down. It is probably easier said than done, but I'm going to give it a shot. If it doesn't work, I might have to break the swearing streak. It is getting old anyway.
So, if I go golfing with any of my faithful reader(s), please remind me of who I am and what I'm about. I am a Journey fan and I'm all about rockin' out.
28 February 2006
Blog Tag
Welcome to Blog Tag (previously known as Meme Tag. I changed the name because I thought the previous name sucked and I was right). If you get tagged (see bottom) you have to fill this out and post it on your blog. Game on!
Four Jobs I've Had in My Life:
Plumber's Apprentice (I also made a mean back of mexi-fries at Taco Bell while cleaning out a floor drain)
Airplane Fueler
Member of touring dance troupe. We toured the world and elsewhere.
Lacrosse Ref
Four Movies I Could Watch Over and Over, and Have:
Where the Red Fern Grows
Raising Arizona
This is Spinal Tap
The Wedding Planner
Four Places I've Lived:
Salt Lake City (Zion)
Provo (Hell)
Vienna, Austria
North Eugene Trailer Park
Four TV Shows I Love to Watch:
Dr. 90210
My Name is Earl
Scrubs
Dirty Jobs
Four Websites I Visit Daily (and more than once daily):
lizonya.blogspot.com
CNN
The Superficial
Kraft Foods
Four Favorite Foods:
Bean Burritos
Tater Tots
Weight Loss Shakes
More Tater Tots
Four Places I Would Like to Visit:
Snowville
Washington D.C.
Cheese Factory
Chocolate Factory
Four places I'd rather be:
At home
In the library
Knott's Berry Farm
Skippers
Four Albums I can't live without:
Psychotic Supper - Tesla
Barry Manilow box set
Cats soundtrack
Anything from Jack Johnson
Four People I am Tagging with this Meme:
I'm issuing a challenge for everyone reading this post to copy and paste what you see here and post it in your blog, editing answers and remarks to fit your own personality and tastes. I urge you, blog readers, to do so now.
Four Jobs I've Had in My Life:
Plumber's Apprentice (I also made a mean back of mexi-fries at Taco Bell while cleaning out a floor drain)
Airplane Fueler
Member of touring dance troupe. We toured the world and elsewhere.
Lacrosse Ref
Four Movies I Could Watch Over and Over, and Have:
Where the Red Fern Grows
Raising Arizona
This is Spinal Tap
The Wedding Planner
Four Places I've Lived:
Salt Lake City (Zion)
Provo (Hell)
Vienna, Austria
North Eugene Trailer Park
Four TV Shows I Love to Watch:
Dr. 90210
My Name is Earl
Scrubs
Dirty Jobs
Four Websites I Visit Daily (and more than once daily):
lizonya.blogspot.com
CNN
The Superficial
Kraft Foods
Four Favorite Foods:
Bean Burritos
Tater Tots
Weight Loss Shakes
More Tater Tots
Four Places I Would Like to Visit:
Snowville
Washington D.C.
Cheese Factory
Chocolate Factory
Four places I'd rather be:
At home
In the library
Knott's Berry Farm
Skippers
Four Albums I can't live without:
Psychotic Supper - Tesla
Barry Manilow box set
Cats soundtrack
Anything from Jack Johnson
Four People I am Tagging with this Meme:
I'm issuing a challenge for everyone reading this post to copy and paste what you see here and post it in your blog, editing answers and remarks to fit your own personality and tastes. I urge you, blog readers, to do so now.
24 February 2006
Maybe it is Time to Reconsider Grey's Anatomy
Everyone seems to love Grey's Anatomy. I guess as far as TV shows go, it isn't that bad, but it isn't great either. While the show does beat almost anything on the WB or UPN with the obvious exception of Beauty and the Geek, the show's writer have alienated their target audience of people who regularly watch Can't Buy Me Love. The easy solution is to hire me to right the wrong and restore balance to the universe. Here are some examples:
The most obvious mistake the writer's have made is trying to convince the world that Ronald Miller somehow gave up lawn mowing, went to medical school, DIDN'T have a long-term, committed relationship with Cindi Mancini, and changed his name to Derek Shepherd. Obviously the writers would prefer that a generation of American's forget that Can't Buy Me Love changed the way nerdy guys were treated in high school. Ronald had a slow, one-man clap turn into a school-wide standing ovation. Come on, writers, why would he give that up for a medical career in Seattle? He wouldn't.
Another mistake is casting Ellen Pompeo as Dr. Grey. Not that she is a bad actress or anything, she just can't speak. Ellen has a problem with her S's. Not quite as bad as Drew Berrymore ("And that's what I call kicking your atheths" - from Charlie's Angels), but still a little annoying. I guess the solution to this problem is more shower scenes and less talking. Funny how that is always the answer. Oh, and her name shouldn't be Meredith. That name sucks.
Finally, this past week's episode was especially disturbing. First of all, when Dr. Yang and Dr. Burke were "dancing" why weren't they doing Ronald's African Anteater Ritual dance? Come on, everyone knows that even if Ronald did change his name and so on, he still would be teaching the dance to people. Remember, Ronald has been the subject of the spontaneous one-man-to-whole-school standing ovation. You don't forget something like that.
If that were the only issue in last week's episode, I would let it slide. Unfortunately, there was one more glaring mistake. Apparently the writers are already running out of ideas because this past week all they did was bring Rocky Dennis back from dead and try to fix his face. Besides, isn't there already a cast member who really has cranial dysplasia? That isn't nice, writers.
The writers need to do a better job of remembering that the people who star on the show are real people. They were nerds in high school. They know awesome dances. They have debilitating illnesses.
The most obvious mistake the writer's have made is trying to convince the world that Ronald Miller somehow gave up lawn mowing, went to medical school, DIDN'T have a long-term, committed relationship with Cindi Mancini, and changed his name to Derek Shepherd. Obviously the writers would prefer that a generation of American's forget that Can't Buy Me Love changed the way nerdy guys were treated in high school. Ronald had a slow, one-man clap turn into a school-wide standing ovation. Come on, writers, why would he give that up for a medical career in Seattle? He wouldn't.
Another mistake is casting Ellen Pompeo as Dr. Grey. Not that she is a bad actress or anything, she just can't speak. Ellen has a problem with her S's. Not quite as bad as Drew Berrymore ("And that's what I call kicking your atheths" - from Charlie's Angels), but still a little annoying. I guess the solution to this problem is more shower scenes and less talking. Funny how that is always the answer. Oh, and her name shouldn't be Meredith. That name sucks.
Finally, this past week's episode was especially disturbing. First of all, when Dr. Yang and Dr. Burke were "dancing" why weren't they doing Ronald's African Anteater Ritual dance? Come on, everyone knows that even if Ronald did change his name and so on, he still would be teaching the dance to people. Remember, Ronald has been the subject of the spontaneous one-man-to-whole-school standing ovation. You don't forget something like that.
If that were the only issue in last week's episode, I would let it slide. Unfortunately, there was one more glaring mistake. Apparently the writers are already running out of ideas because this past week all they did was bring Rocky Dennis back from dead and try to fix his face. Besides, isn't there already a cast member who really has cranial dysplasia? That isn't nice, writers.
The writers need to do a better job of remembering that the people who star on the show are real people. They were nerds in high school. They know awesome dances. They have debilitating illnesses.
10 February 2006
Broken Arm Birthday
First things first. Happy Birthday, Liz! Today the missus is 20-something (I'm not sure if it's cool to say how old she is). I got her some pretty awesome things for her birthday: A couple of CDs I stole from my "friends" who use itunes on the school's wireless network; some skittles; a three-pack of auto detailing towels; some replacement shoulder pads for her favorite blouse; a 15-pound bag of taters; and a fly rod.
Those are some pretty sweet gifts, but I'm afraid even those gifts pale in comparison to the gift she received on Wednesday from the Sacred Heart Medical Center Urgent Care in beautiful downtown Eugene, Oregon. Earlier in the week Lizzy slipped on the kitchen floor and broke her arm. I didn't think there was any way a healthy, young gal like her could break a bone from a little fall, so we waited a day and some change before we went to the doctor. She was able to move her arm and there wasn't much swelling or anything, so I figured it wasn't a big deal. As most of my readers know, I am CPR certified which means I can accurately diagnose and treat almost any ailment. In fact, since I accurately diagnosed Jon Matthews with a concussion in fourth grade, I've had a pretty good track record with these things. My streak ended with this one. So again, sorry honey.
Here are some highlights from our visit to Urgent Care:
Happy Birthday, sweetie!
Those are some pretty sweet gifts, but I'm afraid even those gifts pale in comparison to the gift she received on Wednesday from the Sacred Heart Medical Center Urgent Care in beautiful downtown Eugene, Oregon. Earlier in the week Lizzy slipped on the kitchen floor and broke her arm. I didn't think there was any way a healthy, young gal like her could break a bone from a little fall, so we waited a day and some change before we went to the doctor. She was able to move her arm and there wasn't much swelling or anything, so I figured it wasn't a big deal. As most of my readers know, I am CPR certified which means I can accurately diagnose and treat almost any ailment. In fact, since I accurately diagnosed Jon Matthews with a concussion in fourth grade, I've had a pretty good track record with these things. My streak ended with this one. So again, sorry honey.
Here are some highlights from our visit to Urgent Care:
- When we first arrived we were greeted with the pungent aroma of filthy hippie and aimless drifter. It is a distinct scent, but one every Eugene resident is familiar with.
- I have met some sassy office ladies in my day, but none like the admitting gal at Urgent Care. This gal was a walking anachronism. She had a very modern wireless headset but offset the new technology with her Aqua Net-rich feathered hairdo. At one point I had to give her my social security number. When I walked up to her I felt her look into my soul. I didn't have to say a word because she already knew. I just said it out loud anyway just to keep from freaking out. I can't get those piercing eyes out of my head. I wonder what else she stole from my soul?
- This is Lizzy's doctor
- When Lizzy first told the doctor what happened, he looked at me like I had beaten her. After I told him to mind his own business or he would "fall on the kitchen floor" too, he was a lot nicer.
- After x-rays the doctor explained that Lizzy has a "kinda broken arm." This is apparently a very technical medical term and we weren't given any further explanation. Lots of ins and outs and what-have-yous.
- Two nurses, Betsy and Ruth, helped put a cast on Lizzy. It took them a few tries to figure out how to do it. Once they had it figured it out, they moved quickly. They also gave us an extra ace bandage. I think that was because of my charming wit and striking features.
- When we got back to the car Lizzy was literally beaming with excitement. Her entire life she has wanted a broken arm. Now she has one. That lasted about four hours. The cast is heavy and itchy. She is pretty miserable. Talk about going from one extreme to the other. At least now she has some narcotics.
Happy Birthday, sweetie!
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