Utah 31, Alabama 17

My brother drove 27 hours in an RV to New Orleans to watch the Utes destroy Alabama. He is a dedicated fan. I am showing my dedication by staying up way past my bedtime (it is currently 12:17a.m.) to do a quick post on my blog that I never update and no one ever reads.

Congratulations to the Utes! The Utes played well and showed that they deserve all the accolades and praise they are receiving.

As great as the victory was, my favorite part of the game was Nick Saban's reaction once the Utes scored their first touchdown and he suddenly realized he was screwed. It reminded me of why I identify with Cartman from South Park.


I don't have a problem picking on Saban. He will take solace in his $4 million per year salary and his dang sweet blow dryer.

Why Do I Feel Like I Need Some Quaker Oats and Diabetes Supplies?

Thursday was a big night for TV watching at my house. The Utes played a horrible game, but had a great final two minutes. The Cubs lost another heart-breaker to the Dodgers. My Name is Earl had a episode featuring my favorite character from the show. And to top it all off, the most important debate ever in the history of the world was broadcast to an eager country desperate for leadership and a reassuring voice.

I enjoyed the debate, but really the thoughts that kept coming to my mind as I tried to digest what each candidate said were Quaker Oats and diabetes supplies.

I don't know if it is the insane amount of coaching or if it is really just her style, but Sarah Palin has that certain combination of down-home style combined with "straight talk" that only one other person in this world possesses.

Compare the following videos:



with



and



with (just the first minute)



Both Wilford Brimley and Sarah Palin have mastered the sublime skill of delivering folksy wisdom with a no nonsense, practical approach. People have questioned whether Sarah Palin was the right person for John McCain to choose as his running mate. I don't know the answer to that one, but if Sarah Palin can sell America on the Republican platform as well as Mr. Brimley has sold oats and insulin, the Republicans could be hard to beat.

Can You Hear Me Now?

Convenience. Let's talk about it. Technological advances have done nothing if not increase convenience. This is most readily seen in advances with cell phone technology. I remember well folks carrying around these old timers:


Of course I'm talking about the phone, not the dude. Just to clarify, old dudes are still cool and on the forefront of modern technology. Back to phones. In the past few years cell phone technology advanced extremely fast. Smaller phones. Snake, Snake II, Breakout. MP3 technology. But for all the hype about how convenient cell phones are, in my opinion they have been rather inconvenient.

See, despite all the advances in cell phone technology, the fundamental problem remains: moving the phone from your pocket (or perhaps your cell phone clip) to your ear.
Luckily all that changed with bluetooth technology. Bluetooth solves the problem of having to move the phone all the way to your ear to use your cell phone. In all honesty, I have never used bluetooth because I don't have the education or the sufficient number of ill-fitting polo shirts, although I do have a few.

Gentlemen (and I suppose ladies) who own bluetooth headsets for cell phones love convenience more than the average person. A bluetooth headset says a lot about a person. First, they likely spend a lot of time commuting. In Utah I'm pretty sure the majority of bluetooth users live in Bluffdale and Herriman, but they could venture as far east as Sandy or as far north as Fruit Heights. They truly believe listing to talk radio will help Hannitize this November's election. They probably do not regularly use iPods (since their ear(s) are already in use). Unless of course an iPhone works with bluetooth. Holy crap, I think I just blew my mind. An iPhone and TWO bluetooth headsets? That would be redonkulous. I also imagine the typical bluetooth user loves Carl's Jr. and comically large fountain drinks (both very convenient). In reality a bluetooth headset quickly becomes less of an accessory and more of an extension of one's ear. Science is the best!

Bluetooth is just the latest in a long line of convenience-enhancing devices for these folks. Let me highlight just one of the most essential advances in convenience from the last ten years or so.

Shoes without laces. Although velcro was the first, these babies are essentially a quantum leap (here or here, you choose) in laceless footwear: Suede slip-ons are casual enough for hangin' at the beach and classy enough to wear with a suit. They work with socks and work even better without socks. Really, they are just an extension of one's feet. Sort of like how a tattoo becomes a part of you. Gone are the days of bending over to put on a shoe. People with slip-ons laugh in the face of suckers who have to tie their shoes at least once per day. And let's not forget about safety. Chances of someone wearing traditional shoes tripping on an untied lace: 1 in 1,000. Chances of someone wearing slip-ons tripping on an untied lace: zero! Also, that reduction in bending saves your back. But I should point out that most dudes with suede slip-ons also own, and routinely wear, superbelts, so back strain, especially in the lumbar region, isn't too much of a concern anyway. Superbelts may not be super convenient, but they are super awesome.

For the convenience loving population there really is nothing better than bluetooth headsets. No wasted arm movement. No need to take the hands off of 10 and 2. No need to stop talking on the phone while eating a Six Dollar Burger. And don't even get me started on the back-wrenching ordeal those of you who don't use bluetooth endure every time you reach into your pocket to grab your phone.

If you made it to the end of this monster, here is Larry David's take on bluetooth dudes.

Will You Stay and Rock My World?

I bet you thought you'd heard the last of me. Well, loyal reader, you were dead wrong. I'm back!

FYI, I finished taking the bar exam today (see you in February, bar examiners). I'm glad to have that out of the way, but, as of today at 4:30 I am no longer a law school graduate studying for the bar exam, I am just an unemployed law school graduate. Sort of sucks.

Needless to say, today was a little bitter sweet. I was looking for something awesome to brighten my day, but I wasn't too hopeful. Lizzy did great on the crockpot lasagna, but stupid tenants at the apartments (save that one for another blog) kept bugging me so I couldn't enjoy my dinner.

And then it happened. Like he has done so many times in the past, Bret Michaels comes along to light a candle to illuminate the darkness that surrounds me.

Bret is the star of a new reality show on VH1 called Rock of Love. You already know the premise of the show, a guy is put into a big house with a bunch of girls who are tying to woo him and become, in this case, a rock star's (or is that a former rock star's) girlfriend. In many ways it is like every other show: tons of editing to make something watchable out of pure crap, obvious coaching by producers, and completely ridiculous "dates." But this shows adds a certain something extra. It took me a long time to figure out exactly what makes this show the best ever, but after literally several seconds of thinking it finally made sense.

First, I'm a HUGE Poison fan. I had the privilege of going to their 1999 show at Rocky Mountain Speedway. It was Poison's first tour in years and they were touring with L.A. Guns, Warrant, and RATT. (Sidenote: That was the first and only time that a sweaty, shirtless, drunken Native American tried grinding me). It was a great show.

Second, my wife married me basically because Poison is the ultimate aphrodisiac. Add Poison and a classy Bronco (yes, that's me) and you've got a deadly combination that a girl from West Jordan can't resist.

Third, I basically wrote the end of Something to Believe In "You take the high road, I'll take the low road." If you ask me, that made the song a hit.

Fourth, the only thing better than a stripper twenty years past her prime is a dozen strippers twenty years past their prime. Since the missus is sitting next to me, I won't run a Google search for strippers. Anyway, they are some classy chicks.

Fifth, and finally, Bret's phrase for the rose ceremony (in this case, a backstage pass) is, "Will you stay and rock my world?"

I don't know about Rodeo, Chastity, Faith, Dusty, Roxxy, or the other girls, but I will, Bret. I will.

iPod Changed My Life

There are very few positive aspects of being a law student. The following comment from Tyler Durden seems appropriate: "If the applicant waits at the door for three days without food, shelter or encouragement, then he can enter and begin training." For the record, Project Mayhem is way more interesting than law school. Given the choice between the two, you should choose the former.

Despite the difficulties presented by law school, there are some perquisites that are pretty nice. One of the best one is free access to online databases that contain tons of interesting information like mortgage records, arrest records, and average income in your ZIP code. If you are creative enough to come up with the right search terms, you can find pretty much anything you want. There are two major companies who operate the databases and for the most part they are almost identical in terms of material available. The database proprietors stand to make a lot of money by getting law students hooked on their particular service, so they give us free access to a lot of their content. Not only that, but they give us reward points for answering questions that demonstrate your understanding of their services. Moreover, a few times each semester the respective companies send sales reps who provide free lunch and even more reward points just for attending training sessions.

I have attended every training session since my first year of school (often choosing to go to training sessions instead of less practical meetings about job hunts and networking). Needless to say, I have had a lot of free meals and earned a lot of rewards points.

In December I cashed in some of my points and "bought" the family an iPod. Although we haven't used it as much as I thought we would, it is slowing becoming a necessity for any trip outside of the house. I take it with me when I check the mail, and it saved my life on a flight from Portland to Las Vegas.

The best place I have found to use the iPod is the grocery store. We shop at WinCo, the greatest store in world. Actually, it is a pretty bare-boned store. The kind of place where you bag your own groceries, try to stay out of the way of the employees, and make sure you sanitize your hands when you leave.

The first time I took the iPod, I was a little nervous. I didn't want to look like a wiener. Most of the folks to the WinCo are somewhere south of affluent, so walking around with an iPod can look a little out of place. I quickly got over my initial fears and now I only go grocery shopping if I have the iPod with me.

I keep the iPod on shuffle so that I can listen to a bunch of different songs. On Saturday my setlist was especailly appropriate for a trip to the store.

First song, Harvester of Sorrow by Metallica.

When you walk into WinCo you walk through a chute that spits you out at the produce section. If you're not pumped up when you get to the end of the chute there is a good chance that you will be trampled by these guys getting great deals on bananas.

Second song, 1979 by The Smashing Pumpkins.

It is a good song.

Next up, A New Hope by blink 182.

I don't really like blink 182. They are on the iPod to make the missus happy. But I listened to the song at the store and it was fun. I don't think this the actual video, but since my loyal reader is also a Star Wars fan, re will love it.

There were a bunch of other songs in here, but I don't really remember what they were. Probably some Poison and Tesla. I was busy pricing meat.

I closed the set with A Plea from a Cat Named Virtue by The Weakerthans.

If you don't like this band, you suck. Best band to come out of Canada with the exception of The Guess Who, Alanis Morresette, and Rush.
It was a good song to wind down and get ready to bag my groceries.

I put the iPod away before I get to the checkstand because I'm an excellent bull sh*tter and I like to chat up the checker.

Lots of people use iPods when the exercise. Those people are idiots. If you haven't used yours at the grocery store, you need to start. I would say I'd be interested in hearing your experiences with songs, but I would be lying.

A New Profile Picture

Similarities?

Everyone who has seen Nathan Jr. and me together says that we look a like. The only similarity I see is that we are both generally bored out of our minds.

 

 

 

 

Synergy!

So, like most Tuesday afternoons, I was spending some time looking at the websites for some of my favorite LDS performers and stumbled upon this gem:



As you know, Orin Hatch is the reason I decided to become a lawyer and Barry Manilow is the reason my wife and I are married. This picture for me is like a picture of Cindy Crawford and Michael Jordan together to a 14 year old boy in 1992: it explains my entire existence.

Links to some of my other favorites:
www.jannicekappperry.com, www.kurtbestor.com, www.jonschmidt.com

Nathan Jr.

A Disgusting Display

Occasionally, news from the NBA makes it into network news broadcasts. It used to be that the story was about the celebration of an NBA season finally ending (some people say it is because of the championship, but I know it is a celebration of not having to watch any more basketball games for a few months). In recent years the biggest stories from the NBA have been about the off-court antics of the league's biggest stars. It is disheartening to know that young men who have such promise are willing to risk everything on stupid mistakes.

Besides all of the off-court crap, in the past few years NBA stars have started bringing their reckless behavior onto the court and into the crowds with fist fights.

The most recent episode was last week during the New York Knicks versus Denver Nuggets game. The details of the fight aren't really important; it is sufficient to know that a hard foul at the end of the game turned into a bench-clearing brawl between the two teams. Here is a video of it:

The NBA currently has a reputation problem and when players fight it only exacerbates that problem. This morning, David Stern, the NBA's commissioner, announced fines and suspensions for players that were involved in the latest fight. In a press release Mr. Stern said, "The NBA and its players represent a game of extraordinary skill, athleticism and grace, and, for good or bad, set an example for the entire basketball world, on and off the court, [when our player are seen fighting like girls, it reflects poorly not only on the NBA but on all basketball players and fan throughout the world. Until these guys can learn to fight like men, we will continue to fine and suspend players. I have seen better fights between pre-school girls. I don't really want to get into the complete lack of technique exhibited by our players, but I think Carmelo had his thumb tucked into his fist when he threw that punch. Then, he turns and runs like a baby. Unbelievable.]"

The NBA tries really hard to appeal to inner-city youth. There really isn't much natural appeal for kids who lead fairly rough lives to be interested in a game played by privileged, millionaire whiners. To relate to the kids, the NBA encourages its athletes to lead a "thug life." So the players go to strip clubs, release crappy rap albums, and star in movies. Then a few players lose it on the court, get in a fight, punch like girls, run away from each other, and set the League's "street cred" back a few years (not to mention a few million dollars in merchandise).

During their suspensions, players are sent to fight training schools to practice throwing punches and learn that even if you are going to lose a fight, it is better to stand there and get your butt kicked than it is to run away. Unfortunately, it isn't working. This latest fight taught us that the players have not learned the lessons they were supposed to learn after the Pisons versus Pacers fight two years ago.

Some argue that the disgusting display isn't that the players can't fight, but that they lose control to the point that they resort to fighting. That is a misguided assumption. There is plenty of fighting in other professional sports and it is totally acceptable. So the problem can't be that the fights are happening in the NBA, but that when the fights do happen, the players embarrass themselves with their limp-wristed fighting style.

In real sports, the players know how to fight and fighting is just part of the game. Sure there are suspensions, fines, and penalties, but those are only enforced to appease casual viewers who don't know how integral fighting is to those sports. In fact, in baseball, players who are suspended for charging the mound or beaning batters serve their "suspension" in the Bahamas.

Basketball sucks for a lot of reasons. In fact, there are too many reasons to list in this blog. Although parts of it will always suck (the length of the season, boring games, chest-bumping), the NBA could do themselves a huge favor by teaching the players how to fight like grown men. That's all.

Here are some videos of real athletes in real fights.





Oh, and here is a VMI cheerleader teaching a Citadel cadet a lesson.

Baby Basics - Debra Style

Occasionally the thought crosses my mind that I could live in Eugene after school is over. I mean, the summers are pretty nice (if you have A/C), and the winters aren't all that bad. Sure, it rains a lot, but it isn't like I'm going to go outside and exercise or anything. I might walk to the car, but that's about it. And I say "might" because as soon as I can afford a Rascal, I won't be walking anywhere. That translates to even less time spent out in the elements.

Lizzy isn't too keen on the idea of sticking around here a day longer than we have to. And to be honest, even though I sometimes think Eugene doesn't suck that bad, as soon as I catch a whiff of nature's smelling salts, I quickly snap out of my delusions.

If all goes to plan, Nathan Jr. will be here in six weeks or so. In an effort to not cause any unnecessary damage to him, we thought it would be a good idea to take some classes about childbirth and baby care. We started on Monday and it was great. Our teacher, Heidi, did a great job and we're looking forward to going back to more classes taught by her. Last night we went to a class taught by Debra. Debra has bought into the whole "nature's way is better" and all that bull sh*t. Needless to say, Debra was the smelling salts I needed to awake from the fog of thinking Eugene isn't that bad.

Here is a taste of Baby Basics - Debra Style:

1. Circumcision is only for Jews.

You may not know this, but circumcision is for people who live in deserts and don't shower very often. In fact, very few cultures circumcise their male babies. Debra tried hard to conceal her contempt for those who choose to circumcise, but it was pretty clear that she is not a fan. Apparently, the trend nowadays is to not circumcise babies, especially in the Pacific Northwest.

Despite her best efforts, Deb didn't convince me to allow Nathan Jr. to be a Snuffleupagus or an anteater, choose your euphemism. Circumcision is a cosmetic procedure, but it is not an elective cosmetic procedure; it is pretty much necessary. Also, Mormons love to compare themselves to Jews (Sidenote: if you think I should be saying Jewish people, I disagree. Please see BA's insightful comments on Jews/Jewish People). If Orrin Hatch can hang a Mezzuzah on his door post, I can have my kid circumcised.

2. Olive oil cures everything.

What's that? You think Johnson and Johnson is trying to control the universe one baby bath at a time? You're right! All you need is a little olive oil. It is probably pretty hard to hold a soapy baby, but I bet a greased up baby is a lot harder to hold. I think the idea was just dump some olive oil on the baby and let the flies clean it. Look, it doesn't make sense to me either, but that is the best I can come up with.

3. When possible, take your shirt off to hold the baby.

Apparently you can only bond with a baby if it can see your nipples. This is true for both mom and dad. Babies need to feel loved and nothing says love like a pasty, white, bare chest. Also, if possible, grow some more chest hair. Maybe I will be a bad parent, but I don't think Nathan Jr. will ever see me with my shirt off. Not only is it gross, but it is also confusing for babies. Some nipples produce milk, some don't; and as far as a baby can tell, they probably look very similar. Sometimes I can barely tell the difference.

Deb did a great job pushing her agenda. I'm sure families following her suggestions will do just fine. Maybe she is right. Maybe babies will only bond with you if they can eat whatever is caught in your chest hair. Maybe olive oil really does replace every man-made product (although olive oil isn't entirely completely natural, I mean, someone had to press the olives, right?). Maybe Nathan Jr. will be the only kid who is circumcised because "the trend is towards not circumcising." If that turns out to be the case, I'm OK with it. He'll appreciate being the only kid whose parents loved him enough that they decided that he could learn enough about smegma from Wikipedia.

Oh, and we're not staying in Eugene a day longer than we have to.

NPR Asks for Your Donations

NPR is currently doing its annual (or is it monthly?) donation drive.

This is the worst time to listen to NPR for several reasons. First, all the regularly-scheduled programs are interrupted by NPR lackies to ask for money. Second, suggested contributions are always compared to the current price of a latte. Third, the DJs (or whatever they are called) use guilt totally ineffectively.

I have never contributed to NPR and I probably never will. If NPR weren't on the radio, I could find something else to listen to. And another thing, what is so bad about having NPR run commercials? I mean the donation drive takes up as much time as commercials do anyway.

When you get right down to it, NPR won't get any money from me because the stories they run aren't that great and I can get the news from a million other sources. If NPR starts running some good stories, I'll start donating.

Here's an example:

Time with the Missus

Lizzy loves the Gilmore Girls. I hate it. Because she is always watching the show, I decided that to save our marriage I need to do something drastic. Here is the solution:

Das Gemüse. The Vegetables. Das Gemüse.

If you're going to run against the Cannon machine in the third congressional district in Utah, you'd better be pretty creative. Or rich. Or insanely conservative. Or all of the above. Christian Burridge is this year's Democratic challenger to Chris Cannon and, although he seems like a really, really nice guy, Mr. Burridge doesn't seem to have any of the attributes mentioned above.

What Burridge does have is a camcorder, some sweet Michael McClean music, and the love and adoration of his family and close friends. Burridge ripped off Called To Serve and made an awesome video highlighting some of the qualities that prove he can do well in Congress.

Here it is:

Burridge for Congress

I was hoping for a scene or two with Mr. Burridge riding his bike in a suit or perhaps ogling the one hot sister missionary in the MTC (I guess that is a complaint with Mr. Burridge's version and the original Church-produced version of Called to Serve as well).

I did like that his former missionary companion implies that he "came out" to Mr. Burridge on the mission. Also of note is Mrs. Burridge's intimation that her husband has to dumb things down for her to understand what he is talking about.

I wish this guy all the success in the world. Chris Cannon sucks. Vote Burridge!

Worst Day Ever

I missed My Name is Earl and The Office, but I made it home to watch Grey's Anatomy. Once during baseball practice I took a one-hopper in the goods that hit hard enough to crack my cup. That hurt, but the dull, throbbing, lingering pain I'm feeling in my gut right now is much worse than the pain of that day.

A regular episode of Grey's Anatomy is bad, but an episode of Grey's Anatomy that rips off Lost is much, much worse.

So Grey's Anatomy sucks. Why can't Ronald Miller just be Ronald Miller? Why can't Robin just be Robin? Why can't the black guy from the The Practice just be the black guy from The Practice? Why can't Rocky Dennis just be Rocky Dennis? Why is there only one asian doctor and no asian patients in a Seattle hospital? Maybe I shouldn't ponder the imponderable?

Anyway, since I'm just re-hashing old garbage (like the producers of Grey's Anatomy) here are some pics I have previously posted of Rosie.

Ladies, Can We Be Honest?

For most law students, the fall of their second year is the first time they learn first-hand just how awful interviewing can be. Right now, the second years are doing mock interviews with lawyers from Eugene to perfect their interviewing skills before they have real interviews. I guess it is a good idea, but I'm a little troubled by the lack of feedback the participants receive. Usually, you interview with the person and then they take a few minutes to say things like, "Don't say 'um' so much." or, "Consider washing off a little of the patchouli before you do a real interview." (Maybe that is just at the U of O?)

Now, I know I am not the font of all successful interviewing knowledge, but I do have a tip - STOP! Hammer Time! - for my female counterparts as they start the stressful process of finding a summer job: Please, do not wear a pant suit.

I'm all for women having careers and blah, blah, blah. But a pant suit is sending the wrong message. Somewhere, sometime, some career services advisor told you that a pant suit would convey to a potential employer that you are assertive, strong-willed, and professional. That career services advisor was wrong. A pant suit conveys one message: You're dating Rosie.

But more than that, there are some real problems with pant suits. First, well, first is the whole lesbian thing. Second, no one looks good in a pant suit. Here are some professional models wearing pant suits. Trust me; this is as good as pant suits can possibly look. Here is a gal sitting in a pant suit. This one is giving a "thumbs up." Thumbs ups are for suckers. Peek-a-boo! OK, maybe she doesn't have a pant suit on, but I couldn't pass up that one. This one is trying to sleep her way up to the top. See, they just don't look right. Finally, why are you wearing pants if you don't have to? I don't know any guy who wouldn't prefer to wear a skirt if he could. I mean the ventilation alone is worth it. And poor ventilation can lead to very, very bad things.

So, do yourselves a favor. Wear a skirt whenever you can. Employers will appreciate it. You'll feel better. Trust me, I'm a dude, I know these things.

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Learning a foreign language is very valuable. I was lucky enough to learn German as a missionary in Austria. When I returned I majored in German at the University of Utah (otherwise known as the Harvard of the west). Unfortunately, since I have been out of the German program at the U., there really hasn't been a lot of opportunities to speak the language and without practice, things go downhill very quickly.

Every once in a while I will hear a German interview on TV. It is usually on the History Channel and more often than not it an old German guy talking about how Hitler duped his countrymen into pursing the Final Solution. Even though most of what is said is just regurgitated excuses, it is nice to hear German and pretend, even for just a minute, that I am a better translator than the one the History Channel hired.

One thing that has become a huge pet peeve of mine is the current use of "uber" in English. If you read cool magazines like Rolling Stone and GQ or if you watch MTV at all, you have come across this word. Typically, an English-speaker uses the word as a superlative to replace "super." Those people are idiots.

In German "ueber" (I don't know how to use umlauts on blogger) means many different things. Most German words are just combinations of other words. For example, "backen" mean "to bake", "Stein" mean "rock", so "Backstein" means "brick." See, you just build words out of other words. "Ueber" is a preposition when used alone (it can mean about, above, across, at, beyond, by, etc.), it can also be an adverb (again, tons of different meanings depending on context), and it can be a prefix to a noun.

I think the prefix to a noun part is where cool guys distort the meaning of the word. The concept of an "Uebermensch" comes from Friedrich Nietzsche. You can read about it all on Wikipedia if you want, but for the purposes of this blog it is sufficient to say that "Uebermensch" translates to "super-human" or, as it is commonly mistranslated, "super-man."

I think the current misuse of the word started with Dana Carvey in Wayne's World when he referred to Claudia Schiffer as an "uber-babe." It appears that the same guy that helped popularize the "not joke" is responsible for the "uber" phenomenon as well. The difference is that "not jokes" are comedy gold, but "uber" is retarded. Not even Carvey, who hasn't made a dime since Wayne's World 2, is cautious about using words from that era.

Now other tools (here , and here) are using the word and convincing impressionable youths that using the word to mean "super" is perfectly acceptable and even sometimes the coolest superlative ever conceived. By the by, at BYU a tool is called a silky boner. I understand these guys don't know any better, but I really wish that we could stop this madness.

If you routinely use the word "uber," you need to stop immediately. I promise that you will feel better about yourself. You didn't believe me when I told you to take off the stupid pucca shell necklace, but now that you are employable, you know that I was right. If you know someone who has used the word, tell them that there is hope for them too. With all of the madness in the world, we need to find some common ground to build upon. I suggest that the common ground we can all agree on is that "uber" should not be used to mean "super."

Thanks for your time. NOT!

Morgan Spurlock Sucks

I love documentaries. When I was in 7th grade Ken Burns' Civil War was on PBS and I loved every second it. The same goes for Burns' Baseball series. During my glorious seven month stay in the Austria Vienna Mission Home I watch Trail of Hope: The Story of the Mormon Trail at least once per week. A few months ago Netflix mistakenly sent us a documentary (I don't remember the name) in the sleeve of another movie. The documentary was about a kiddie fiddler (is that Dave Coulier?), a subject I generally try to avoid, but the story was still interesting.

My brother just finished making a documentary about Helper, Utah. That doesn't have much to do with what I want to talk about, but I figured this is the most advertising he is going to get, so I might as well throw it out there. Look for it on KUED sometime soon!

Back to the business at hand.

Documentaries have become mainstream in the last few years. I guess we can thank Michael Moore for most of the current buzz about documentaries. Michael Moore isn't a typical documentarian because he usually tries to make himself central to whatever story he is trying to tell. It worked for him for a long time. Roger & Me is a great film and Bowling for Columbine was pretty good too. I admit I haven't seen Fahrenheit 9/11 mostly because I think Moore went too far with it (not the story, because I haven't seen it, but the promotion). In fact, I don't know that anyone remembers much about that movie except that Michael Moore hates President Bush. You don't really need to make a documentary about that.

I think Moore has lost some relevence and will continue to do so as long as he makes his films about how liberal his views are and how messed up the current administration is. The only thing that is saving Moore from being the joke of the documentary world is Morgan Spurlock.

Spurlock is an idiot.

Supersize Me was a load of crap. Spurlock didn't really tell a story, he came up with a conclusion and then create an "experiment" to guarantee a result. If there is one thing I know, it is how to order at McDonald's. Spurlock went over the top with his menu choices to guarantee that he would get fat. No one ever orders an apple pie AND a sundae. Come on, Morgan. Because he went so over the top he really hurt his credibility. And it was probably unnecessarily over the top because he likely would have had similar results (although perhaps not as extreme) if he had just ordered like a regular person. I'm a fat man and the Number 2 supersized was all it took for me to get that way. Morgan also had other "side effects" from eating exclusively at McDonald's. He was lethargic, battled headaches and depression, and had a hard time "performing" for his girlfriend. Maybe "hard" is the wrong word? Morgan, who likely has not completed a lot of courses in scientific research, made a fundamental mistake with his conclusions in Supersize Me. He contributed most of the adverse health effects to McDonald's less-than-healthy food when I would argue, in my scientific opinion, that 75-80% of Morgan's problems stem from being a pussy, not from eating fatty foods.

Now Spurlock has a show on F/X called 30 Days. The idea is that someone lives a life other than the one they are used to. Morgan decided to live the life of a person on minimum wage. Then he went on Oprah to talk about it. During Morgan's 30 days as a minimum wage earner he got sick and had to go to a hospital. Since people who make minimum wage don't have insurance, he decided to not have insurance. Morgan makes some conclusions about why minimum wage laws are so bad, but I'm not exactly sure what he is arguing. On Oprah he said Americans need to write their representatives in Congress to ask them to address the issue. It isn't clear if he is talking about minimum wage laws, universal healthcare, poor people in general, or something else. I don't think he really thought that far ahead, and he probably doesn't care. I guess the conclusion is that capitalism sucks.

The worst part about Spurlock is that some people who might agree with some of his arguments (if they can figure out exactly what he is arguing) are turned off by him because he goes to extremes. But, then again, I guess a documentary that concludes with a rational discussion of pros and cons of fundamental social change is sort of boring.

The reason for this blog is to warn my loyal reader to watch out for Morgan Spurlock because he sucks.

Here is a list of documentaries you should check out if you want to be as smart as I am:

The Merchants of Cool (you can find it on Frontline's website on pbs.org along with a lot of other interesting stories)
Spellbound
Roger & Me
Murderball
Anything by Ken Burns
New York Doll
Murder on a Sunday Morning

Any I'm missing?

NPR. National Public Radio.

Hello, loyal reader!

I'm working in Salem, Oregon this summer for the Oregon Supreme Court. I write memos about interesting things like rape, sodomy, and murder. So far it has been a great experience. It is 65.6 miles from HQ to the court. I have a carpool buddy who has made the hour-and-change drive fairly enjoyable. We have been listening to a lot of NPR on our trips. I'd like to tell you about some of the thoughts I've had while listening to NPR this past week. Why? Because it will be awesome. Fine, agree to disagree.

On All Things Considered, listeners can submit sound recordings that they make of "cool," "interesting" (their words, not mine) or "retarded" (my word, not theirs) things. On Wednesday's show, listener Glenn Weyant from Tucson submitted a sound recording that he thought would add to the current immigration debate. Glenn took a contact microphone and a cello bow down to the border (the US-Mexico border, not Taco Bell) to "play" the fence separating the US and Mexico. Mr. Weyant wants to get a bunch of Americans and a bunch of Mexicans to meet on either side of the fence on a certain day (surprisingly, he hasn't really planned this out completely) and use the fence as a musical instrument. I don't know what his plan is after that. Probably just smoke a joint. I don't know Glenn very well but I am sure that almost all of his ideas start and end with smoking a joint. Here is the sound clip. You should probably download it because you'll want to put this on the ipod. I promise that the 196 seconds you spend listening to Glenn's art will be the best 196 seconds of your life. Oh yeah, Glenn says he is a professional sound sculptor. I think that is what David St. Hubbins meant when he said if he couldn't be a rock star he would be a full-time dreamer.

Glenn's is only one in a series of SoundClips from NPR. Check out all the great things people waste their time recording. You can hear what a log trimming machine sounds like or what a crane moving from one end of a warehouse to other end sounds like.

I get on NPR kicks every once in a while. Usually I'll listen fairly regularly for three months or so and then not listen for a while. NPR loves to have stories about two things: (1) current political/social issues and (2) stories about Elliott Smith. I guess Elliott's music is pretty good. Plus, he did kill himself, (although I think there is some debate about whether he stabbed himself in the heart or if he had "help" from his girlfriend), and he had one song on the Good Will Hunting soundtrack, but does there really need to be a story about him every three weeks? Why not just one story about someone else? How about Falco? FACT: Falco's music changed the world. FACT: He was featured on at least one movie soundtrack. FACT: He is dead. FACT: He is the greatest recording artist of all time. I rest my case.

I think I'm going to submit a sound clip. But what? Any ideas? Maybe the sound of the effect GOB's chicken dance has on immigration? Here is a good one too.

Here Comes the Hotstepper

The missus and I had the pleasure of chaperoning a stake dance on Saturday. I don't feel like I'm a lot older than these kids, but I guess I am. I don't remember ever having stake dances at all. We had stomps, but I think that is just a Utah thing. It should be a worldwide thing because stomps are awesome and stake dances suck.

Anyway, in order for kids to get into the dance, they had to wear church clothes (dress shirts and ties for the boys, skirts and blouses for the girls). They also had to present a "dance card" at the door, sort of like an admission ticket from the bishop. Because prom was going on for most of the high schools in our area, most of the kids there were between 14 and 16. Lizzy and I were stationed at a door in the gym to keep the kids from sneaking out and destroying the church. It was a pretty slow night. We only had one incident and I was able to defuse the situation pretty quickly thanks to my new taser.

Being at the dance gave me some time to reflect on my high school days. The ten year reunion is coming up in a few months and I'm getting pretty jazzed about it. I was in Germany for the five year, so that makes the ten year even more important. It sort of sucks that I haven't received any phone calls or emails from organizers, but I'm pretty sure they are just having a hard time finding me and not avoiding me on purpose. But that is for a later blog.

Some of my readers know that I am a professionally trained dancer. I have been schooled in both tap and ballet and have learned hip hop, break dancing, and jazz on my own. I'm an excellent dancer (like Raymond Babbitt is an excellent driver).

Even though I am an excellent dancer, I have never been a fan of dances. I never learned the Electric Slide (nice pantsuit), which is a huge bummer. I' not sure how everyone learned that dance. I always figured it was taught during gym or something and I was absent that day. Maybe people spend time working on it at home? I guess that happens, but that sure is gay. The best part about the Electric Slide is that no one is really interested in doing it. People are involved, but they aren't happy. There are no smiles, no spontaneous high fives, nothing. It is just a bunch of otherwise self-conscious people hoping that the next hop-quarter-turn-clap-combo doesn't put them in the front row where everyone can see them.

I went to Youth Conference once and I almost stopped going to church. I don't know what it had to do with learning about church, but we had to learn a country dance. Everyone was given a partner, mine was a softball player. Not this kind of softball player, but this kind of softball player. It left a bad taste in my mouth. I still have nightmares about it.

I was surprised that not that much has changed at dances in the last ten years. The same songs are popular. The kids went nuts for "I'm Just a Girl" from No Doubt; "Cotton-Eyed Joe " from Rednex; and the ubiquitous "Electric Slide" from Grandmaster Slice. Besides an unexplainable, newfound love for A Simple Plan, all of the hits were at least ten or twelve years old.

Another constant is that swing dancing sucks. I'll never understand what motivates people to learn how to swing dance. And once they learn it, where do they get the balls big enough to think they are awesome?

Finally, Kokomo is still an awful song and the Beach Boys still suck. I know Stamos was in the video and all, but that still doesn't save the song or the band.

That's about all I have to say about it. The kids had a fun time, I got to use the taser, no one got knocked up, and everyone was home by 11:30. It was a successful evening.